Broadening The Big Tent To Include Everybody

by Ima Tuele
of the New York Times

In what is being hailed as a piece of political brilliance, the Republican National Senatorial Committee has set forth a proposal that is guaranteed to return the Republican Party to commanding majorities in both houses of congress in 2010, and the election of a Republican president in 2012. RNSC Chairman John Cornyn laid out the new strategy in a press conference today, sharing the plan that he said has been decades in the making.

The Republican Party has been bitterly divided since the 2008 presidential election, with moderates fighting with Conservatives over the cause of the devastating losses suffered in November. The dispute has threatened the “heart and soul” of the party, Sen Cornyn told the press, with finger-pointing from both sides.

Moderates have claimed that the Republican Party has become too dominated by conservatives and their principles, and must move further left to attract more voters, while conservatives have blamed the leftward shift of the party for the electoral losses.

The dispute has reached new heights in recent days with the announcement by Sen Arlen Specter that he was leaving the GOP to join the Democratic Party. “I will not allow my reelection to be put into the hands of the Republican Party primary,” he said.

With the new plan outlined by Sen Cornyn, that will not be necessary. “The plan is so brilliant in its simplicity,” the senator explained, “I don’t know why nobody has ever thought of it before.”

“The blueprint to achieving an overwhelming congressional majority,” he explained, “lies in being all things to all people.” What the RNSC plan entails is that in all districts now held by Democrats, the Republican Party will not oppose those candidates, but will, in fact, nominate that Democrat as the Republican candidate as well.

“Those candidates cannot lose,” Sen Cornyn shouted enthusiastically. “We simply claim them as our own. When they win, essentially unopposed, we simply put an R after their name, along with, of course the D.”

So Senator Specter will be reelected, and will become Arlen Specter, (D-R-PA). “Now, some of our Republicans will win their seats, and so we will have our own people, as well as all of the Democrats who get elected. We will obtain an overwhelming majority in a single election,” he explained.

An added benefit to the new plan is that it will become unnecessary for the GOP to do fund raising for candidates. “What would be the point?” Cornyn asked. “Besides, with all the Wall Street money going to Democrats, along with all of the union cash and money from the legal profession, its become just too hard to find anyone willing to donate to the GOP anyhow.”

The plan calls for the GOP to nominate President Barack Obama as their candidate in 2012, thereby guaranteeing control of the Executive Branch as well.

When shown the proposal, former Secretary of State Colin Powell could only exclaim, “Brilliant, simply brilliant.” The proposal won the immediate support of Sen John McCain, as well as his more politically astute daughter Meghan.

The Republican Main Street Project issued a statement that they opposed the new proposal, as it would relegate their two decades of undermining the Republican Party as useless. “We refuse to be relegated to the ash heap of history,” a spokesman explained.

When asked what is to prevent the Democrats from doing the same thing and claiming Republican candidates as their own, Cornyn explained that that could never happen. “Our Republican officeholders stand for principles…the Democrats would never accept that in a candidate.”

Originally posted at The Minority Report