Diary

Breaking News: The Minority Report Incorporates As Bank -- Seeks $20 Billion Federal Bailout

In what comes as stunning news, internet giant The Minority Report Network has incorporated itself as a banking institution, and immediately filed with the United States Treasury for $20 billion in federal bailout funds.

TMR Corporate Attorney Mike “Gamecock” DeVine was quick to point out that the federal funds sought by the new The Minority Report Bank (TMRB) was not a bailout, but actually a loan. In a prepared statement, TMRB executives described the $20 billion as “a bridge-loan” to the 21st Century.” While the statement did not detail exactly what bridge TMRB had in mind, attorney DeVine did say that there was one particular bridge in Alaska that had caught the executives’ eyes.DeVine downplayed the fact that TMRB was incorporated in the nation of Nigeria, pointing out that the majority of the bank’s lending would be conducted in the United States. The official name, The Minority Report Bank of Nigeria, was announced in a spam bulk email released to more than 18 million media individuals throughout the United States. That email began with this statement: “Greetings from the honorable Mr Odinga Obzuwani of The Minority Report Bank of Nigeria. It is with great joy that I announce to you an opportunity of business…”

TMR Founder and CEO Steven Foley was unavailable for comment. According to his personal Executive Assistant and butler, who identified himself only as Rick, the satellite GPS telecommunications system on the TMR Corporate B-767 is malfunctioning, making it impossible to reach Foley until he arrives at the Corporate Retreat in Kuala Lumpur. TMR President David Hinz was also incommunicado on his private island near St Kitts.

DeVine invited any media inquiries to be forwarded to his European Office, in Davos, Switzerland.