Diary

900% Of All Polls Are Skewed By The Poll Takers -- New Poll Says

In a new poll taken in the popcorn line at a showing of the documentary “W,” more than 250% of the persons polls said they had no intention of voting for George W Bush for president in 2008. The margin of error was +/- 0.0005%, the most accurate poll ever taken in the history of polling (according to a poll of poll takers taken shortly after last call at O’Grady’s Pub in Boston on April 15th.)

In another poll announced today, the International Association of Polling Associations (IAPA) revealed that at no time in history have opinion polls been as accurate as they are at this exact moment in time. The statistical sample of 1,352,558 pollsters (0.3% of all pollsters nationwide) has a margin of error of +/- 125%. According to a spokesperson for IAPI, the only time statistical polling has been close to this accuracy rate was the Presidential election of 1948.

Meanwhile, the economy continues to be the number one issue on the minds of 130% of the people polled. Figures from the Federal Government demonstrate that jobs in all sectors of business declined by 345%, with the sole exception of political polling, where more than 2,045,000 jobs were added in the last week alone. According to these jobless figures, pollsters now believe that if the presidential campaign could only be extended for another seventeen weeks, full national employment could be achieved. According to the figures released by the polling association, 0.043% believe the fundamentals of the US economy are strong. That poll has a margin of error of +/- 645%.

In a survey of Indian English-speaking call center employees, 233% say they have confidence in the American economy. No data was available as to the internals of that poll, calling into question the methodology used.