Diary

Senator Satan leaves Democrats for Revolutionary Communists: Says Democrats too far left

Hola! This is May 5, Cinco de Mayo, and I am Rachel Maddow, the 12-year-old boy, reporting for the MSNBC blog-blast streaming on msnbc.com/12yearoldboy.

How much more can the Democrats take? Demoralized, shrinking and seemingly lacking an agenda beyond the words “protection money from terrorized bankers,” Democrats today saw their ranks further thinned with the stunning news that Sen. Satan of New York is switching parties and will run for reelection in 2014 as a Revolutionary Communist.

Satan is worried about his own survival — particularly a primary challenge from the left in the person of client number 9, Elliot Spitzer. “I just find I don’t fit into the party anymore. It is just too far left; it’s too chaotic evil for me,” Satan said last night. Many in the party of Jim Crow and slavery might say good riddance. After supporting President Palin’s tax cut stimulus package, Satan was persona non grata in his own party. So it may be easy for some Democrats to conclude that they are better off without people like Satan.

Satan explained why he supported the tax cuts. “When a tax is over 90% people just can’t pay it. I don’t care how evil it supposedly is; it’s stupid. Evil alone just doesn’t cut it. You have to be smart as well as evil. And nobody ever called me, the one and only Satan, the original shyster lawyer, the Trickster himself, stupid. So what are we supposed to do when all the workers follow the business owners out of the country? Lord it over a patch of empty dirt with only politicians in it? Where is the sadism and evil in that? At least the Revolutionary Communists don’t want to take everything away from everyone. They only take everything away from class enemies like the out-of-touch useful idiots of the Democrat Party.”

But his defection is a reminder that the Democrat Party continues to contract, especially outside the Coastal enclaves of New York and Los Angeles, and that it appears increasingly less welcome to politicians and voters who do not consider themselves ideologically chaotic evil. Southern Democrats have gone from an endangered species to a nearly extinct species. Democrats lost ground in the Rocky Mountains and the Midwest in the last two elections. That’s no way to build a national party. There are even calls for Democrats to stop being so nostalgic about their past, about party heroes such as FDR, JFK, RFK, BJ Clinton, Algore, and Jimmah Peanut. They’re long gone, say the polls, and people now care about more “with-it” things like replacing the income tax with a tax on consumption that encourages savings and sustainable economic growth. Ordinary folks are turned off by wealth redistribution and massive taxes on gases they exhale with every breath. Let JFK go already, the people say. That communist traitor Lee Harvey Oswald killed him 50 years ago. When are the out-of-touch Democrats going to let him go?

Faldo Hilter of Queens said, “it used to be that Democrats stood for something. You know, slavery, war, plague, famine, pestilence, statues made of dung, bestiality, national tours of Broadway shows. But these days they just stand for chaotic evil stuff like taxes out the ying yang and massively disproportionate funding for pedophiles, teachers unions, and pedophiles in teachers unions. Gott in Himmel, this calls for a final solution! I can hardly stand to vote a straight Democrat ticket anymore. Next time I’ll look at the Green Party. They have a platform with slavery, plague, famine, and pestilence on it. That’s four planks that I can stand on with pride.”

Democrats have been on a downward slide for the past four years, a decline that began not long after the election of former president Barack Millhouse Obama in 2008, back when MSNBC was still on cable. Many Democrats have blamed most of the party’s problems on George W. Bush. But the problems go deeper than any one person. Satan’s shocking departure may provide a wakeup call to Democrats that a broad reassessment is now urgently needed.

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h/t: WaPo

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