Mandates from the Department of Truth

This interruption to your regular programming is a Change Announcement from the Department of Truth. Please repeat the slogans of the reality based community after me.

We Will Always Have Hope and Change.
Happiness is Mandatory.
Yes We Can.

The Department of Truth would like to take this opportunity to kindly inform all members of the reality based community that down is a prohibited word. The correct phrase is “differently up.” The middle between up and differently up is “somewhat differently up.”

This may be a good time to remind all kind citizens that un has been determined to be overly hostile. No more shall words like un-good and un-happy be used to discriminate against some. Un should be replaced with differently. So the word un-good, archaically known as bad, is correctly termed “differently good.” And un-happy, archaically known as sad, is correctly termed “differently happy.”

Congress, in its infinite wisdom, has implemented the President’s desired revisions and improvements to the regulations concerning the Department of Sharing. The Department of Sharing, which replaced the former Internal Revenue Service, has been included in the new Department of Charity. Your mandatory Charitable contributions will be used to help those differently employed who have nothing. They can enjoy benefits such as citizens’ health care, vegetarian Chinese and Mexican cuisine, medical marijuana, and generous sleeping berths in the unisex workers’ quarters while they wait for their next job. Charitable contributions are also used to support Peace Operations, citizens’ reality orientation camps, and reality reorientation of differently truthful people such as the notorious scofflaws against hatecrime and broadcasting law once known as Rush Limbaugh and Ann Coulter (now differently free citizens 2684-62262-1 and 2684-62262-2).

The words “Christian” and “Hindu” and “Jew” are prohibited as being hateful to Muslims. The correct term is “differently Muslim” or “different Muslim.” All people of the reality based community have already been doing this. Others should join the reality based community, or they might be endangered by pitchfork waving malcontents.

In other changes, terrorist and jihadist are for use by Muslims only. “Different Muslims” are allowed to use the phrase “contra Muslim agitator.”

War is a hateful, hurtful word. Henceforth War shall be called a Peace Operation. Enemy Combatants in war are a Peace Community. And our soldiers are Peace Community Organizers.

For informal usage, President has been determined to be too hostile a word. President reeks of class differences, and of “preside” which indicates someone who stands above or before others. Our leader is so kind, so friendly, so close to everyone’s heart, he is more like a brother than someone who presides, or who tells us what to do. President Obama is our big brother: Big Brother Barack Obama; or BBBO as an acceptable abbreviation.

Until tomorrow’s Change Announcement, you may go back to enjoying the LBKO (little brother Keith Olbermann) program, now in its fifth hour. There is a special treat in this hour, a break from studying the speeches of BBBO to watch a short program from the differently happy times. This program was called “Bob the Builder.” You have the mandatory freedom to sing along with the program whenever the words “Yes We Can” are repeated.

Remember, citizens, change is the only constant and happiness is mandatory!