Nancy Pelosi: Good afternoon! I would like to introduce to the House our newest Health and Human Services Secretary, Ms. Bessie Puke. She will be outlining for us today her newest plan to help improve our Health Care system. Thanks for coming, Ms. Puke. We appreciate how busy you must be.
Ms. Puke: Thanks so much for that wonderful introduction, Ms. Pelosi. Also, thank you for remembering how to pronounce my name. For those of you who missed it, it rhymes with puck, as in hockey. I would appreciate it if all of you would remember that.
As you know, we have been trying since 2014 to implement our Health Care Plan, which in the past has been referred to as Obamacare. One of our biggest struggles is ensuring that all our citizens eat properly and maintain a proper weight. This has been a very difficult task. Too many Americans are lax when it comes to their diets. We have been able to prove time and time again that when an individual fails to follow our dietary guidelines, the rest of us pay a heavy price. Now, I know there are some who complain about the heavy cost of their health insurance, and that it can be difficult to pay those monthly premiums. I understand that the majority of Americans are paying as much as half of their income for their insurance, and in an effort to help defray the costs I have decided it is now necessary to further monitor what our citizens are ingesting.
To begin with, I must remind you of the outrage some of you expressed when we decided to provide free computers and free internet access to all our citizens. If you remember, that created quite an uproar! There were constant complaints about how it added to the deficit, which I think we can all agree has now grown to such an extent that we shouldn’t even bother worrying about it. Our political opponents had a field day and tried to use that expense to claim we had simply lost our minds. Well, as I will show today, there was a method to our madness, so to speak!
As Health and Human Services Secretary, I will be implementing a new system to help us monitor the dietary needs of all our citizens. This exciting new plan will ensure that everyone in America will be getting the required 5 servings of fruit and vegetables at least three days a week. Even though this plan will cost us trillions, we all must keep in mind the trillions it will save us in the long run by having a healthier citizenry.
The problem is this: even though we have taken over the food services in all schools, retirement communities and hospitals, there is still a group of people who insist on eating as they please. This group, adults from age 25 to 65, are creating a real crisis by raising the health care costs of everyone else. This must stop, or we will continue to pay the price for their stubborn negligence.
Starting next year, we will begin a monitoring system using those computers we handed out last year. Every family will be required to log in at 7 pm while they consume their evening meal – for some, it will be on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. For others, it will be on Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday. We will have staff members log exactly what is consumed by each individual. In this way, we can be sure that our people are getting the proper nutrition. Now, I know, some of you will have objections to this new program. I can help answer some of those objections right now.
For one, we must remember the true savings we will enjoy. We will have far fewer obesity-related diseases, such as diabetes. More of our citizens will be able to participate in the free gym memberships we already provide. It will also help with other long term problems our nation is facing, like our high unemployment rate. Our monitors will all be unionized, ensuring they make an excellent wage and will never, ever have to worry about losing their jobs. Others who might lose their jobs because of our monitoring system, like restaurant employees, will be first in line for these openings. Never again will they have to worry about pleasing the masses. And, of course, our subsidized farmers will be overjoyed with this program.
It will be noted that some people will try to game our system. Some folks just won’t listen and will refuse our attempts to do what is best for them. For anyone who is caught cheating, we have a solution. As we all know, what goes in must come out. Stool samples will be required of those folks who persistently disobey. And, as an extra measure, those who think they can substitute stool samples will have a personal monitor to ensure their samples are accurate.
In closing, let me just say that I am grateful for this opportunity to serve my fellow citizens, and I look forward to implementing many, many more programs to keep us all healthy and happy. Thank you!