Diary

Hillary Wades Into the Pumpkin Spice Wars

Hillary’s lackluster record and reed-like tendencies aside, a headline from The Hill piqued my curiosity. “Hillary comes out against pumpkin spice lattes” it read.

“Shut.up. I actually agree with Hillary!” I thought to myself.

Could this be? Has the Anti-Pumpkin Spicer FINALLY arrived?!

The Over Pumpkinization of America has been well documented. A long-standing advocate to restrict the use of pumpkin to seasonal baked goods and porcupine consumption, I’ve found myself the target of the Pro-Pumpkin ALL THE THINGS! crowd on more than one occasion.

Around this same time last year, the Washington Free Beacon’s, Sonny Bunch chronicled the Pumpkin Wars:

I am not a Pumpkin Spice Latte person. I like pumpkin pie okay, but it’s maybe my fourth favorite pie. I drink pumpkin beer, but I don’t really look forward to it all year or anything. Eating pumpkin seeds strikes me as weird, but it’s a free country, brother.

I lay all this out so you have some sense of where I’m coming from when I say that I find the anti-pumpkin animus in this country wholly bizarre and entirely out of proportion to the influx of pumpkin-related products on the market. Consider, for instance, this tweet from Kemberlee Kaye, one of my favorite tweeters:

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There’s a lot of anger there! You get the sense that if, say, [mc_name name=’Sen. Ted Cruz (R-TX)’ chamber=’senate’ mcid=’C001098′ ] were giving a speech about alcohol and mentioned pumpkin beer she’d start booing and try to shout him down. Her fury of rage strikes me as remarkably irrational. I don’t quite get it. It’s not as though breweries stop making regular beer and only stock pumpkin-flavored brews. One of the great things about America is the wide variety of alcoholic beverages we can enjoy for relatively low amounts of money. Why get upset about what others are consuming?

Part of the problem, of course, is that it has become very popular to pronounce how profound and passionate your pumpkin pain truly is.

It’s a slippery cucurbitad slope we’re on when pumpkin spice has infiltrated everything in existence and monopolizes the entire autumnal season.

Pumpkin spiced bagels, M&Ms, Twinkies, pasta sauce, yogurt, Peeps, sausage, English muffins, butter, and even vodka. Each fall brings with it a hoard of pumpkin atrocities absent the season prior. And there seems to be no end in sight.

This was Hillary’s moment to shine, to stop the tyrannical reign of pumpkin spice! But Hillary’s gonna Hillary.

You see, Hillary isn’t anti-pumpkin spice latte because its proliferation is a scourge on the republic, no. Her disdain for PSLs comes from their caloric value.

Hillary Clinton may have just lost the pumpkin spice latte lovers’ vote.

The Democratic presidential candidate revealed in a Facebook Q&A on Monday that she used to be a fan of Starbucks’ popular autumn-timed drink. That is, she says, until she eyed the nutrition facts.

When a Facebook user asked if Clinton is a “pumpkin spice latte kind of gal,” the former secretary of State replied, “Ha! The true answer is I used to be until I saw how many calories are in them. –H”

A grande pumpkin spice latte (with whipped cream on top) has 380 calories, according to Starbucks’ website.

She’s certainly lost my vote. As Political Math pointed out, “that is, in fact, the worst possible opinion to have.”

Worst possible opinion, indeed.

Follow Kemberlee on Twitter @kemberleekaye