Diary

Obama wins final presidential debate before it happens!

By circumstance, we ran into our favorite tipster whose official cloak is ‘Deep Tote’ and our informant has delivered some amazing news—Sen. Barack Obama has already won the Oct. 15 Presidential Debate to be held at Hofstra University in Hempstead, N.Y. Considering we learned this immediately after the 2nd Presidential Debate in Nashville, well before the final debate occurs, and in light of conservative accusations of media bias, we coerced Deep Tote into answering a few questions. Promising to ply our source with almond biscotti and authentic Jamaican Blue Mountain coffee, we got together at a tony coffee shop in Miami. I promised to reveal nothing about Deep Tote’s age, race, sex, gender or alternative religious beliefs and I also agreed to withhold the name of the coffee shop. Just in case we were seen.

*Q: So how can you guarantee Obama has won a debate that hasn’t even occurred yet?A: Oh, it’s as easy to understand as hope and change and community organizing! Obama always wins, whether it’s a debate or a controversy over the lack of information about his past! Just ask The New York Times!

Q: But how can you possibly announce a victory ahead of time?A: Well, partly because every time I hear him speak, I get shivers that run from my Birkenstocks all the way up to my fanny pack. And I totally trust Keith Olbermann. And Google employees love Obama. And all the major networks love him so much they completely ignore his racist pastor and his friendly neighborhood (according to Gov. Sarah Palin) former terrorist. Actually, I prefer calling William Ayers a straight-talking socialist, but that’s another matter. Google loves him, ABC News loves him and Oprah is overcome by him—if you don’t love Obama you are a racist and you are just not American! [Snorts]

Q: So what debate points do you think Obama’s already won?A: That’s easy—his tax plan that won’t raise taxes for 95 percent of Americans (I admit, a lot of Americans don’t pay taxes anyway, so that one’s a no-brainer!) And his foreign policy—it’s to die for, literally, if you’re Osama bin Laden and you’re hanging out in Pakistan. [Giggles]

Q: But we can’t just go into Pakistan and start shooting without good cause. And a report by the Tax Foundation suggests Obama’s not being completely accurate about his tax plan.A: Oh, he’s not going to go barging into Pakistan without a reason! I can’t see Obama shooting anybody! He wouldn’t know one end of a gun from a pack of granola! And on taxes, well, you don’t want him to get too detailed—people don’t want facts, they just want to hear him speak. Just look at videos—women cry when they hear this man, they are so filled with hope. Obama is a hope dispenser! [Sighs]

Q: Frankly, I’m having a hard time with this. I mean, in all of these debates I hear Obama repeating over and over that he blames President Bush for everything. Bush dealt with 9/11, Katrina, the Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac meltdowns. We’ve had a Democratic Congress for two years now. And the Tax Foundation says Obama’s statements about Bush on the deficits aren’t accurate either. So can you elaborate on that?A: What’s wrong with you? ARE YOU A RACIST? [shakes head] Because Rep. Barney Frank says if you find fault with Fannie and Freddie you are, and Frank is frankly [Grins] a genius. Just ask Nancy Pelosi! And everything is Bush’s fault—I mean, I planted sunflowers this year and they didn’t grow and then my car battery went dead and last night I uncorked a 2000 Bordeaux and it sucked—it just tasted absolutely tinny—and I said, ‘That damned George Bush.’ And the Democrats in Congress just haven’t had time to get anything done—I mean it takes years in Washington, you know? [wrinkles forehead] And who exactly is this Tax Foundation, anyway?

Q: They’re experts on taxes. A: Well, we don’t want them looking over our shoulder! They’ll just get everything confused. We already have people like Sen. Schumer and Sen. Kerry—may Mother Nature bless them both—for our experts. [Checks cell phone] Ohmigod. I have to go—I’m behind on my Twitters and then I have to go give a talk to the youth for Obama and then I’m going to a fundraiser for Obama—I have to get to the airport.

Q: You’re going to the airport so you can go to a fundraiser? Where’s it going to be held?A: [Smiles, does the Obam-Uh] Uh-uh. Uh-uh. Uh-uh. It’s a secret. A clue–it’s not in the US! But lots of celebs will be there plus I want to talk to a lawyer and I know there’ll be lots of those there.

Q: Why do you need to talk to a lawyer?A: [Fumes] Because I was shopping yesterday—I am so over the sterling coffee urn I use for my dinner parties—and I went into the department store and suddenly my sinuses started bothering me. I was close to the cosmetics counter when I realized ohmigod! They’re spraying a floral-based perfume, which I am severely allergic to, and they didn’t even offer me a mask! Damages! I have the perfect trial lawyer in mind. [Stands] I really have to go now. [Blows air kisses.] You’re not bad, you know, for a conservative! [Turns briefly] Oh, I forgot my wallet. Can you get the check this time?


Further Reading

Weather Underground files at the FBI

Fact Checking the Tax Talk at The Tax Foundation

Obama and McCain tax proposals raise marginal rates at The Tax Foundation

Obama decries outsourcing but supporters outsource fundraising