After living a long and remarkable life, Journalism has passed away following a prolonged battle with illness. Doctors attribute the cause of death to abuse. No one really knows the precise age of Journalism, but it is believed to have descended from oral traditions that existed in the ages prior to the written word. The coroner has not been able to determine the time of its death, remarking that “Journalism’s passing has been such a long and gradual ordeal that I cannot pinpoint the percise moment that it expired.”

One attending physician who requested anonymity, said, “Journalism died shortly after the passing of its close friend Tim Russert. After Tim’s death, its heart and spirit were broken, and it just couldn’t go on in the world of isolation and despair it was left to languish in.”

Journalism was praised by close friends and its few remaining practioners as a selfless devotion to a life of accurately describing events of interest to the general public. Friends of Journalism say that it will be remembered for its dedication to providing answers to the questions of who, what, where, when, why and how. That dedication led to Journalism’s once highly-regarded reputation for fairness, accuracy and reliability.

An American immigrant, Journalism attracted such famous practicioners as Benjamin Franklin, Peter Zenger and Benjamin Day around the time of the American Revolution. Journalism managed to survive years of slavery to media giants Joseph Pulitzer and William Randolph Hearst. After Journalism’s emancipation, it was invigorated by such developments as the telegraph and radio. Indeed, Journalism seemed poised for immortality by the middle of the 20th Century. But along came the dominance of television, and Journalism entered a new age which would change it for all time. It took to the new medium like a Spaniel to water, strengthened by the professionalism of such devotees as Edward R. Murrow, David Brinkley and Frank Reynolds. But, as the lines of demarcation between news and commentary were blurred by television, Journalism began a long slide into irrelevance from which it never recovered.

As the end neared, doctors say Journalism drifted in and out of consciouness but became increasingly depressed over the things that were said and done in its name by self-described “Journalists” who claimed to be fair and balanced. After hearing the results of a number of public opinion polls in which a majority said they they felt Journalism, as it was being practiced today, was biased and untrustworthy, it lapsed into a coma from which it never awakened.

Services will be held at the Arlington National Cemetary. Journalism was preceded in death by its wife, Integrity; a daughter, Objectivity; and a son, Responsibility. Journalism is survived by four stepbrothers, Advocacy Jounalism, Gonzo Journalism, Gotcha Journalism and Celebrity Journalism.

Memorial Contributions may be sent to the Phillips Foundation.

Farewell, old friend. You will be missed. May you rest in peace.

– JP