Good afternoon ladies, gentlemen, ladies who were once men, former ladies who are now men and everyone else who’s still in transition…it’s a great day for football! I’m Herb Chandler, here along with Frank Potter and we’re excited to bring you another fantastic matchup between two great teams; the Dallas Cowpersons face the Washington Native Americans here in the nation’s capital. It should be a good one.

FRANK: That’s right Herb. 2039 was a disappointing season for both of these teams. But they made some roster changes in the offseason which should make a real difference.

HERB: Yes indeed, Frank. But of course, not all of those roster changes were voluntary. Can you tell us a little more about that?

FRANK: Quite right, Herb. The Dallas Cowpersons were heavily fined by the league when it was discovered that 37 players on their 53-player roster were heterosexual…and that’s a big no-no. NFL rules clearly state that no more than 30 players on a team can be straight. At least 23 players must be either gay or bi-curious. I’m not sure how Dallas thought they’d get away with this.

HERB: Totally unacceptable. It just shows you how slow some of these teams are to change with the times. It reminds me of the situation back in 2027 when the Raiders refused to change their name. For years, they ignored the public outcry of those who felt the name “Raiders” was too violent and menacing. And finally, management came around, changed the name and we’ve been calling them the Oakland Rainbows ever since.

FRANK: Yeah I’m not sure what took them so long. Why not just make the change quickly like New England did? When the word “patriot” was outlawed in 2021, New England acted quickly and changed their name to the New England Immigrants. And just look at how successful they’ve been over the years.

HERB: Very successful. As everyone already knows, the New England Immigrants just celebrated their 27th Superbowl victory. It was a closely-fought battle against the San Francisco Justice Warriors, who put up a valiant effort, but it just wasn’t enough. I’m sure the Justice Warriors are kicking themselves for that costly penalty in the 4th quarter.

FRANK: Oh I’m sure they are, Herb. San Francisco had the lead and a golden opportunity to win the Superbowl in their home city, right there in Colin Kaepernick Stadium. I know they needed help at quarterback, but in hindsight, it was probably a mistake to bring Brett Favre out of retirement. They never would’ve made it to the Superbowl without him, but his 4th quarter penalty in that game was careless and it cost them the game.

HERB: I’d have to agree, Frank. But that’s the risk you take when you play an old guy like Favre. His prime years were 40 years ago when it was still common to show aggression and toughness on the football field. The game has changed too much for him. And there’s no doubt it was a penalty…the replay clearly shows Favre with a mean look on his face and that’s just unacceptable. There’s no room for meanness in this game.

FRANK: Well Herb, I hate to call you out like this, but you just referred to someone as being “old.” And as you well know, that’s grounds for termination by this network. Neither ESPN nor I will stand by and tolerate such blatant ageism.

HERB: Oh my! I’m terribly sorry. Thank you Frank for calling me out and exposing my ageism. I apologize to those who are youth-challenged. Well folks, I guess that blunder brings my 37-year broadcasting career to an end. It was a pleasure to share Sunday afternoons with you all. I bid you a hearty farewell as I shamefully resign in disgrace.

FRANK: That’ll be enough Herb…let’s not drag this along any further. I’d now like to introduce Herb’s replacement, Gabe Lewis. Gabe’s been with ESPN for the last 8 years, first as a witty anchor on SportsCenter and more recently as an activist reporter for Outside the Lines. Welcome to the broadcast, Gabe.

GABE: Thank you Frank for that kind introduction. It’s always been a dream of mine to broadcast games on Sundays. I’m sorry the opportunity comes as a result of Herb’s harsh insensitivity to the elderly, but I am nonetheless grateful to be here. Let’s get into the details of today’s matchup. What are some things to look for in today’s game?

FRANK: I’d have to say it all boils down to whether or not the offensive line of the Cowpersons can protect the quarterback. As you know, Washington is highly skilled at going after the quarterback and grabbing his flag before he has a chance to throw the ball. Their leader is veteran lineman Harambe Norris who led the league last season with 64 collected flags.

GABE: He’s quite a player. Norris is one of those gifted athletes who came into the league at just the right time. As you know, tackling and physical contact were banned from the sport in 2028 and the NFL officially declared itself a flag-football league. Norris started the following season and he’s been dominant ever since with 550 flag grabs in his career.

FRANK: Very impressive, indeed. And we can only wonder how many more flags grabs he’d have if he hadn’t missed all of the 2035 season.

GABE: Oh good point, Frank. Yes 2035 was a devastating year for Norris. In the first game of the season against the Denver Bunnies, Norris’ feelings were hurt when a Denver player spoke some offensive words at the end of a play. You could hear a pin drop in the quiet stadium as Norris sat motionless on the field for several minutes. I can only imagine the anguish he suffered in those moments. The Feelings Coaches of both teams rushed onto the field and attended to Norris. They spoke words of affirmation over him as he drank from a juice box. He eventually gathered enough strength to stand up, but they went ahead and carried him off the field on a stretcher as a precaution.

FRANK: Yes I vividly remember the incident, very scary. At the time, several of us wondered if Norris would ever be able to play again. Given the severity of the words spoken by the offending Denver Bunny, it’s amazing how Norris slowly pulled it together and recovered. He missed the entirety of that season and four games of the following season. But he fully rehabilitated his feelings and returned to the field. Needless to say, he won the ESPY award that year for Outstanding Bravery.

GABE: He’s truly a hero. Let’s go down to the field for the singing of our national anthem: Oh Amazon.

LADY GAGA:

(the tune of America the Beautiful begins to play)

Your Prime accounts deliver with
a two-day guarantee.
You never charge for shipping stuff
Cuz shipping’s always free!

Oh Amazon! Oh Amazon!
We pledge allegiance to thee!
We’ll buy our goods for our neighborhoods
from your vast inventory!

AFTER THE GAME

GABE: Well, we were hoping for a close game but it was a lopsided contest from the very beginning. Dallas was prepared today and Washington was not.

FRANK: Yes, a very surprising outcome, Gabe. In years past, a game like this would’ve resulted in a win for Dallas and a loss for Washington. But after some changes to the rules in the offseason, wins and losses are no longer part of the game. All that really matters is that everyone had fun and no one got hurt. Also, each player got an equal amount of playing time, so everyone feels included and special.

GABE: That’s right, Frank. These changes to the rules were long overdue. The whole idea of “winning” and “defeating the opponent” are simply outdated concepts from a barbaric era of sports. It’s a relief to see the NFL has finally rejected the meanness of competition and fully embraced equality and fairness. Both teams are still on the field, collecting their participation trophies and eating orange slices together. Everyone is getting along and that’s what football is all about.