AUTHOR’S NOTE: The purpose of this fictional, satirical post is to entertain. Thanks for sharing and commenting 🙂
SEATTLE, WASHINGTON – In a stunning development that took many in D.C. by surprise, Amazon announced its purchase of the nation’s capital for $20 trillion. The sale is reported to include every department and all three branches of the US federal government.
Not only is Amazon now the rightful owner of Congress, the Pentagon, the White House and every department they oversee, but the mega-company has also taken over all the legal and governing powers of these institutions.
Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos is rumored to have become bored with his company’s dominance of various industries. Setting his sights on a bigger challenge, Bezos plans to introduce efficiency and lean budgets in the federal government, which up til now have only been theoretical concepts in Washington D.C.
Bezos elaborated on the decision;
“We’ve always looked for inefficient markets where we could come in, do a better job and make everyone happier. All this time, the biggest, most obvious target was right there in front of us. Nothing’s more inefficient than the federal government. Its output of unhappiness is second to none. So we decided to take it over. We’ll have it all turned around within 12-18 months.”
After purchasing Whole Foods on June 16th, analysts doubted Amazon could come up with $20 trillion to buy the entire US government. However, Bezos keeps several large warehouses full of cash in case he ever wants to buy something impulsively. Amazon CFO Brian Olsavsky restated what is commonly known about Mr. Bezos;
“When Jeff sets his mind on buying or doing something, nothing stops him until he’s done it.”
Amazon executives laid out a bold new strategy for their government takeover. It’s called “Citizen Satisfaction.” In this new, revolutionary approach to governing, every decision will be made with the American citizen in mind. If any proposed law or policy goes against the interests of Americans, it is immediately struck down.
Senator Mitch McConnell (R) of Kentucky:
“I doubt this will work. We’ve heard all this before. ‘Listen to the citizen,’ they say. ‘Be accountable to constituents,’ they say. Yeah right…no lobbyist will ever pay me for that approach. Wait, is this on the record? I gotta go.”
Rep. Nancy Pelosi (D) of California:
“The obvious error in this approach is relying on the wishes of our subjects to make decisions. I’m sorry, did I say ‘subjects?’ I meant to say voters. As I was saying, we simply cannot rely on the wishes of voters because they don’t know what’s in their best interest. That’s why we must make decisions for the peasants. Excuse me, I meant to say ‘people.'”
Amazon has no plans to replace or change the US Constitution.
“There isn’t much difference between Amazon’s mission statement and the Constitution,” said Bezos. “Our mission has always been to be ‘customer centric.’ So it’s not much of a stretch for us to become ‘citizen centric.’ We work to serve the people. They don’t work to serve us.”
“Of course, some of these tasks are new to us. We’ve never been in charge of national security before. However, we’re very confident in our newest venture, Amazon Defense. Within six months, ISIS will no longer exist. “
Instead of dissolving all the agencies and bureaucracies which have bloated the size of the federal government, most of them will be converted to Amazon Fulfillment Centers. IRS employees will now sort and package Amazon products all day long instead of meddling in the financial affairs of US citizens. On a side note, the IRS acronym was retained. However, it no longer stands for “Internal Revenue Service,” but rather, “Incredible, Remarkable Service.”
Beth Galetti, VP of Human Resources at Amazon;
“There’s no need to lay off any government workers. We’re simply going to adjust their salaries to the real value of the work they’re performing. So the average bureaucrat who was making $100k to $160k per year will be making $10 to $15 per hour from now on. It should be a seamless transition.”
To calm the nerves and fears of those who liked Washington the way it was, Bezos assured reporters that some things will remain the same:
“We respect all the rich traditions of drama and showmanship in Congress. We have no intention of ending these entertaining charades. We assured each Congressman and Senator they can continue their routine of meeting on Capitol Hill, arguing with one another and pretending to get things done. It’s just that…nothing they do or say will affect American citizens anymore.”
Also, the 9 justices of the US Supreme Court may continue meeting to discuss laws. But according to Bezos, “their opinions and decisions won’t be more relevant or important than the opinions of 9 people wearing robes at the local retirement home.”
THE OTHER WASHINGTON
All important decisions for the country will henceforth be made at Amazon’s headquarters in Seattle, Washington. Those who are currently responsible for making sure Amazon’s departments remain profitable and efficient will be in charge of all government departments from now on.
“Here at Amazon, those who fail to effectively lead and manage their departments are fired. We don’t tolerate excuses, blame-shifting, wasteful spending or any other common D.C. practice,” Bezos added.
Senator Chuck Schumer (D) of New York made his opinions known on the Senate floor;
“The changes proposed by Mr. Bezos are fundamentally foreign to our way of life here in Washington D.C. We wholeheartedly support the practice of *saying* we’ll work on behalf of the American people. But let’s not be so foolish as to actually try and do it.
Although Bezos & Co. said they plan to announce the specifics of their plans in upcoming weeks, they made a point to mention that Obamacare, Medicare and Medicaid would all be terminated immediately and replaced by “Prime Care,” an optional program in which insurance companies are allowed and encouraged to compete for customers. At the time this post was published, insurance companies were falling over themselves to offer reasonable premiums and low deductibles.
Those who have paid large amounts of money into Social Security over the years will be fully reimbursed by the large piles of cash Mr. Bezos has stacked around his desk.
WHAT ABOUT TRUMP?
As for President Trump, a few private meetings took place between he and Amazon’s Board of Directors. They agreed to allow Trump to publicly take credit for any positive changes in the country. He also insisted there be no restrictions in his tweeting.
I asked one Amazon official why they’re allowing Trump to continue giving the impression that he’s in charge. His reply; “He clearly needs the praise and the affirmation. We don’t. Let him have it.”
President Trump later tweeted: “I think the boys at Amazon have some great ideas …tremendous ideas. Hopefully they don’t get on my way as I Make America Great Again. WIN!”