Universal Spiritual Care

I’ve been thinking on this awhile and I believe I have been wrong.   The government isn’t doing too much, it’s not doing enough.   It has occurred to me that there are tens of millions of people in serious danger of going to hell and many more that are simply not getting the spiritual care that they need.   What we need in this country is reform.   Serious spiritual reform.

Many nations have far more serious spiritual care than the US.  In fact, we are well below Iran, Afghanistan, Saudi Arabia, Pakistan, India, Malaysia, Singapore and other advanced religious nations in providing this basic care to its citizens.   In these countries, church attendance is close to 100% and for good reason, their caring government is involved.

Under the modern definition of “general welfare”, the federal government has not only the right, but obligation to solve this terrible problem.    We know from many studies that, aside from having the heaven advantage, religious people are happier, better adjusted, more family oriented.   Spiritual care lowers the crime rate, extends life span, lowers alcoholism/drug use, creates happier kids, keeps families together,  and even causes people to be more charitable with their time and money.   The science is in and there is no doubt we must act to save these people.

Now, some argue that there are many people that do have spiritual care, but many of them do not have enough *preventive* spiritual care as they do not see their minister or priest more than a few times per year.   Others are “pray and dash” attendees that only visit church in emergencies (weddings, funerals, baptisms) and pay little or none of their tithing.   Many are illegal immigrants.  This means that regular church goers are paying the bulk of the spiritual care in the US, causing the burden to be distributed unfairly.   Further, a disproportionate amount of wealthy people skip out on church altogether, causing the spiritual care costs to be unfairly distributed to those least able to afford it.

I propose a bill of not less than 1000 pages, because to create a simple bill would not fully address the complexity of the problem.   The most important thing is make sure that everyone is enrolled in a church.  After all, without church enrollment, there is no spiritual care.   Further, we must make sure that people can afford to go every week.   As we know, not going to church every week condemns you to hell, unless there are mitigating circumstances.   For those that cannot afford church, we will make available taxpayer subsidies to the church of the attendee’s choice to cover part or all of their tithings.   Much of this money will come from the wealthy who don’t attend church now, so there will be little impact on the average churchgoer.

“But will you be able to keep your existing church?”  Yes!   If you like it, keep going [Church availabilit subject to discretion, please see government for details].  Churches will have to become registered and a spiritual care assessment done to make sure they are providing you with the care you deserve.  Basic spiritual care must include weekly mass, confession and communion as a minimum level of care.

“Is there a possibility that there won’t be enough money and churches?”   No, of course not.  We see it as a large probability, not just a possibility.  So, just in case, we will have a heaven panels to make sure that the most needy and most savable make it into church.   If one of your family members has lived long enough to have committed great sins, he or she may have to give way to someone younger with less sin on his or her hands.  But this will be done in an entirely impartial way, based on science.   We will make sure that everyone who can be saved will be saved.

“Some say that people such as Senator Ted Kennedy, with advanced age and sins such as vehicular manslaughter, adultery, sexual assaults, repeated drunken driving, abortion activism, etc, would not qualify for expensive soul redeeming treatments, should my family and I be scared of this?” – No, of course not!   Very few people have sinned as much as Ted Kennedy.  He is a tough case, but he is an exception rather than the norm.   We would certainly pray for his soul, but to be honest, there’s not much that could have been done for him.

“How will we know that people are going to church and giving proper tithing?”   The government will require that churches all change their paperwork to a single government standard.   The government will then have a spiritual care commission that oversees the paperwork.   All enrollees must submit their tax returns to the commission to ensure they are eligible for any subsidies.    At some point, we hope to create a single payer system in which tithing is removed automatically from your check and paid to the church by the government.   A true convenience for every church goer.  This will shorten mass by nearly 2 minutes.

“Will illegal immigrants get spiritual care?”   No.   All churches will be required to card attendees at the door and require proof of citizenship and social security numbers before submitting paperwork for payment.    We will work to ensure that only bona fide American citizens get USC.   The last thing we want to do is spend the church goers money recklessly.

“What about a public option, to keep churches competitive?”   This is under consideration.  If it doesn’t make it into the first bill, we’re pretty sure we can slip it in later.  There is strong evidence that a public church will be less expensive to run, but if not, we have the advantage of being able to divert church goer money to the public church, making sure that many people tithe twice and are doubly insured of going to heaven.

“Wouldn’t a public church be illegal”?   No.   The Constitution says that the government may not establish a state religion.  But the public church would be simply that.  A church, not a religion.   Therefore, it is legal.

“If this is so important, why didn’t the founders create USC at the beginning of the country?”  I don’t know, let me get back to you on that.  Someday.    But I’m sure there was a good reason.  Probably not enough money or something.  Could we move on?  What?  Oh, wait, my lawyer says that “general welfare” of citizens didn’t exist in the Constitution back then.   It’s a relatively new rationalization.

“Isn’t this something best left to the state or local level?”  No.   Otherwise we wouldn’t get to use the word “universal”.   We like the world universal.  It’s a cool word.  Simultaneously spacey and yet inclusive.   Besides, if all Congress did was follow the Constitution and states rights, how would we be able to say we did anything for the voters?  It’s too important to be left to the states anyway, they might not do it well.

“What if someone wants to opt out?”   No, we know what is best for this person.  Not everyone understands the value of spiritual care run by the government, but will ensure they understand by making it mandatory.  They’ll get it eventually, even come to demand it one day.   People will say “Don’t touch my Spiritual Care!”   We want to create a program so all encompassing that one day, no one will be able to conceive of living without it.  Within a generation or two, people will know no other way of life.  They won’t remember the olden days before forced tithing and mandatory salvation.   We must have salvation from cradle to grave. It is a right as guaranteed by the Constitution of the US [as interpreted today, please see government for details, not all promises may be valid at the time of enrollment, your level of salvation may vary]

Please feel free to send this to the ObamaCare advocate of your choice.