The Annual Pardon

The crowd gathered before the White House, screaming for the president of the United States to come out. He did so dressed in the traditional toga with a crown of laurels upon his head. Behind him, the Secret Service were holding two turkeys.

“Which one should I release to you,” the president asked his nation. The crowds screamed “Give us Barabbas!”

“Are you sure? He is wanted for insurrection. Likely a member of the Tea Party,” Obama explained.

“Let his white meat be upon on children’s plates!” the crowd responded.

Call me whatever the Thanksgiving equivalent of Scrooge or the Grinch is, but the pardoning of the turkey seems like such a stupid thing. Of course, the White House needed a win this week, since IRAN SEEMS TO BE A PRETTY UNPOPULAR THING SOMEHOW. So, they built a website that works. (I know. I was shocked too.) The website offers biographies of the turkeys, deliciously named “Caramel” and “Popcorn” (they are both male, so barring a new Supreme Court decision, they won’t be having any deliciously-named children), their photos and even clips of their gobbling via SoundCloud.

If you feel so inclined, you can vote for which turkey to pardon by posting #TeamCaramel or #TeamPopcorn on Twitter or Facebook. You’re also doing me a favor by letting me know who I should never, ever follow on Twitter if you do.

The pardoned turkey will also have sanctions eased on him over the protests of Republicans, likely coming via executive order, since the president has historically ignored the will of Congress over pardoning turkeys in the past.

If you’re worried about the pardoned turkey and what becomes of them, don’t worry. There is special, hidden wing of the NSA that monitors their communications, lest they commit their crimes again.


Happy Thanksgiving, friends, and don’t talk about Obamacare over your Thanksgiving dinner unless you absolutely hate yourself and everyone around you, no matter what Organizing For America suggests.