The Banana Hammock Bomber


First it was the Abdullah Asieri, the ass-assin who had American security experts, “pooping in their pants,” because the suicide butt bomber stuffed a pound of explosives and a handy detonator in his rectum.  Now Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab, better known as the ‘Banana Hammock Bomber’ carefully sewing explosive powder into his underwear has brought security awareness to a whole new level.  New, innovative terrorist tactics deserve to be designated worldwide as, the Butt-Balls Bomber Brigade.

Just sitting around with a pound of explosives up your ‘Ass-ieri’ is an impressive feat regardless of the motivation.  But blowing up your manhood, by detonating a bomb in such close proximity to the family jewels is equally extraordinary. Apparently, radical extremist Umar Farouk was firmly committed to making jihad, so much so,  Abdulmutallab willingly subjected his rocks to being rocked, while ‘striving in the way of Allah’.”

Interviewed immediately after being arrested, Umar said that holy warriors in Yemen believe putting ballocks first in line in a militant war is the ultimate testes for any serious terrorist.   Umar promised America to be warned that legions of  scrotal sacrificing soldiers are on the way “…carrying bombs to hit the enemies of God,”  tucked behind, inside and underneath various and sundry body parts.

After being detained Umar kept saying what many thought was “Ohmah Akbags,” but closer attention to what was being said revealed the bomber muttering “Allah Akbar.”

In addition, the young Nigerian kept insisting that, “Americans are ‘nuts’.”  The youthful terrorist told authorities that al-Qaida is determined to teach America what having real cullions really means, even if a martyr’s 72 virgin welcome into paradise has you arriving sans scrotum.

Carrying nothing more than his ‘bags’ on-board, Umar spent a long time locked in the bathroom readjusting his basket.  Upon returning to his seat, lunch was being served when Umar Farouk gave new meaning to the word “fire of my loins” by detonating and igniting his gonads, under a blanket, to the surprise of 278 passengers aboard the airline.

Disregarding private parts etiquette, Dutch video producer Jasper Schuringa scrambled over rows of seats to subdue Abdulmutallab as he tried to detonate a phial of powder strapped to his testicles.  Jasper sprung into action after hearing someone shouting: “Fire, fire.” He said: “I pulled the object from him and tried to extinguish the fire with my hands and threw it away.”


Talk about giving all for the cause!  Subdued and overcome by passengers on Northwest flight 253, Umar Farouk’s drawers were, “… slightly charred and singed…the bomb packet still in place,” the Nigerian banana flambé, though burnt to a crisp, was found to miraculously still be intact.

Special thanks to Eric Daniel Brown