Diary

How to Get Progressives Fired Up about Defeating ISIS

Since Progressives have been so reluctant to fight to win the war on terror, perhaps it’s time to frame the threats posed by ISIS in terms that relate to issues for which Progressives are truly passionate (seeing as how the survival of Western Civilization apparently isn’t one of them).

  1. ISIS is against gay marriage. Actually, ISIS kills all homosexuals, making it particularly problematic for them to marry.
  2. ISIS is actively engaged in a War on Women. ISIS does not offer free access to birth control, which is especially worrisome since they are constantly raping women and potentially exposing them to unwanted pregnancies (they don’t offer abortion on demand either, unless you count stoning a woman and her unborn child to death as a means of terminating a pregnancy).
  3. ISIS is pro-gun. They can be seen repeatedly brandishing assault rifles and other menacing firearms. Perhaps if we convince Progressives that ISIS is a Middle Eastern branch of the NRA they might finally get truly passionate about defeating this enemy.
  4. ISIS does not support legalizing marijuana. Though we must all respect Islam as a wise and peaceful religion, it does contain some troublesome rules forbidding the use of drugs (I think the verses referring to this can be found in the Koran somewhere between killing all the infidels and turning women into sex slaves).
  5. ISIS is causing climate change. Okay, so there really isn’t any true scientific evidence proving that ISIS is causing climate change, but I’m sure if we throw enough grant money around we’ll quickly be able to find a climatologist or two that will say ISIS is responsible for the record snowfall in Boston.

If all else fails we can start a rumor that ISIS is part of the Tea Party movement.  That will have the Progressives calling for the complete destruction of ISIS by any means necessary.