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Obama volunteers canvas local man
LAS VEGAS, NV — Barack Obama stepped up his attacks on Republican rival John McCain today during a campaign stop in Nevada, telling supporters to “get in the faces” of wavering voters with his message of hope, change, and “brass fisties.”
“Righty right, me malenky droogs,” said Obama, nonchalantly spinning a steel baton while pacing the stage before a packed audience at a Las Vegas baseball stadium. “Come with uncle and hear all proper! Hear angel trumpets and devil trombones. You are all invited. I want you to talk to them whether they are independent or whether they are Republican. I want you to argue with them and get in their faces, with bootsie-woots if thou it suits.”Obama said his new gloves-off campaign strategy was prompted by what he described as a coordinated effort by McCain and talk radio to distract from his message of national unity.
“One thing I could never stand was to hear a filthy, dirty old partisan bushie, howling away his filthy songs and going blurpy blurp,” said Obama. “Naughty, naughty, naughty! You filthy old soomkas!”
“So great bolshy yarblockos to you, Johnny brother,” he added in a stern warning to the McCain camp, “We’ll meet you with chain or britva or Dailykos anytime, not having you aiming factchecks at us reasonless. Well, it stands to reason we won’t have it.”
Obama urged rally attendees to “organize the community” and “sharpen up with Moloko Vellocet” and respond to McCain’s anti-unity message through direct dialog and beatings.
“Me fine droogies, what we are after now is the old surprise visit,” explained Obama. “A real kick and good for laughs and lashings of the old ultracampaigning. Stomp some hope and change into their filthy little rassoodocks for a nice, warm vibraty feeling all through your guttiwuts.”
“But enough of words, actions speak louder than,” said Obama, pulling a bowler-clad campaign volunteer to the stage by his suspenders for a demonstration. “Action now. Observe all.”
After swinging a hobnailed boot into the aide’s yarbles, the stadium crowd erupted in cheers.
“I’m siii-inging in the rain, just siii-inging in the rain,” noted Obama, cheerfully dancing around the hunched-over aide. “Welly welly well what have we here? A naughty neighborman what has him a McCain yard sign?”
“Looks like a job for me old woodly comrades Hope and Change,” he added, gleefully drubbing the man with his trademark twin baseball bats to the crowd’s rhythmic chants of “Yes We Can, Yes We Can.”
“We are the Droogs we’ve been waiting for,” he concluded as the P.A. system struck up Beethoven’s 9th Symphony, the new official campaign song. “Lets get ’em boys!”
Obama’s new message of national unity through community stompings appeared to resonate with the crowd. Josh Gilbertson, a volunteer with Nevada Nadsats for Obama, said the speech and free Drencrom-laced ‘Hope Milk’ had inspired him to travel to Alaska to canvas the family of Sarah Palin.
“The first thing that flashed into my gulliver was that I’d like to have them right down there on the floor,” said Gilbertson, 20. “The old hacky-hack, real savage.”
“Palipubs! I would like… to smash them!” agreed Alex Martin, 21.
Rebecca McCloskey, 23, president of UNLV Devotchkas for Obama, enthusiastically endorsed the new strategy, and said she and her campus.club was already putting it into action.
“Oh bliss! Bliss and heaven! Oh, it was gorgeousness and gorgeousity made flesh, like a bird of rarest-spun heaven metal or like silvery wine flowing in a spaceship, gravity all nonsense now,” said McCloskey, describing their tire-iron beating of an elderly man in a Ralph’s parking lot.
While the new strategy seems to have re-energized Obama volunteers, some observers said it may carry some risk.
“Certainly, violence and nihilism is to be expected during a campaign, but when the election is over these young people will ultimately have to go back to classes and work, or staff jobs in the Obama Administration,” said Dr. Nigel Brodsky, president of the Brodsky Institute for Behavioral Modification.
To reintegrate Obama supporters back into society, he suggested the ‘Brodsky Treament,’ his controversial operant conditioning method where subjects are induced to vomit while strapped down and forced to view progressive websites and MSNBC.
Brodsky defended his techniques as “humane.”
“I’m not sure why it’s so cruel to have these people puke at the sight of their own behavior,” he said. “Everybody else has.”
Madness is something rare in individuals – but in groups, parties, nations, and ages it is the rule.Nietzsche, Beyond Good and Evil