Proposal for Pres. Obama: Torture We Can All Believe In

Dear Pres. Obama:

Especially since your man for the CIA has been taking a pounding over which interrogation methods he would support, I thought you would find a definition of torture helpful.

In a word, if journalists volunteer for it, it’s not torture.

A veritable parade of journalists volunteered to be waterboarded just for the experience and to get a good story. They knew, a priori, that it is not the same as being tortured. Would they voluntarily have had electric shocks applied to their genitals, or voluntarily submitted to violent shaking, or burning? Of course not. Those things are torture, and no one volunteers to be tortured, however it is done.  Waterboarding is not torture.

And these are journalists, Pres. Obama – the least respected, least courageous men and women in all of America.  Their favorite words in the English language are “free all-you-can-eat buffet.”  Even you, whom they worship as the Aztecs worshipped Quetzalcoatl, could not bear their company for more than, “like, 8 questions.”  Yet the first journalists to go in for the experience of waterboarding not only survived it, recovering so quickly that they were able to write stories about it for their 5 o’clock deadlines, but sent their colleagues in to try it for themselves. 

So eat your waffle in ease, Pres. Obama, and ignore the pestering of the press.  If they can take waterboarding, our enemies can, too.  (In fact, if reporters can take it, perhaps we should go a bit further with our enemies, eh?)

To emphasize the point in another way, would the Special Forces deliberately debilitate the personnel they are training by applying electric shocks to their genitals, for example, just so they could learn to resist the procedure? Of course not. They wouldn’t torture their own personnel, nor would their personnel go along with it.  

Or would you say that we are torturing our own soldiers in ways that we refuse to torture the enemy?  Are our boot camps worse than Guantanamo?  If you think so, please tell us. 

In the bad old days (still ongoing outside the U.S.), people used to get tortured absolutely gruesomely, and they weren’t worth a darn afterwards–between the maiming and the nightmares.  And that kind of torture tended not to produce the best information; people would make stuff up, just to get the pain to stop.  Now comes an amazing method that leaves no scarring, physical or mental–it should be hailed as the polio vaccine of torture–the game-changing break-through. 

Ah, but no.  Because even if it doesn’t scar, or traumatize psychologically–*if it works* it must be verrrrry unpleasant, probably awful, so better not do it.  The media and the academics and the lawyers are almost saying that any kind of interrogation that produces good intelligence must be so unpleasant that we ought not to do it.  That’s like saying, “OK, Doc, you can operate on my tumor, but at the first sign of blood–you must stop.  I’m against bleeding–it’s violent.”  You can interrogate them, but it’d better not be very successful.  All of this, even just interrogation with no pressure is an expression of hard power, which they abhor.  It could be tickling the soles of their feet with a feather, and they’d oppose it if it worked.  The mentally ill leftists in this country have managed to turn everything into its opposite.  They all need a dose of reality, and I’m afraid they just might get it.  (Well, they might not, but the rest of us will.)

Waterboarding is, in fact, a God-send for those involved in gathering intelligence. It is highly effective–and because it doesn’t scar the subject either physically or mentally and it doesn’t damage the humanity of either the subject or the one applying it.

Waterboarding is torture we can all believe in.

Yours most truly,