I *Could* Quit You Vagabonds, If I Wanted To, But I Won't

To do so would relegate me to dropping the 501’s and exposing the paisley boxers and the knee-high black nylons complete with the garters…and sucking down twinkies and Big Reds in the dead of night. THIS…I will not do.

I could justify donning the “downtrodden-internets-loser” apparel whilst living in my Mom’s cellar by reminding you all of the comers and goers here over the years and the numbers of times they made my head explode.

I could name names,you see, but then I’d have to send this post into the 3.0 admin panel abyss taking you all down with me.

I could dredge up the “hazmat team to aisle 7” memories, but then I’d need to sign on with the local monastery or curl up into a rocking fetal position…sucking my thumb and tugging on my ear and rocking back and forth looking for my happy place. No…I won’t go there-it’s not pretty.

Why won’t I quit you, let me count the ways:

I won’t quit you because that would mean you all were the big dogs and I was a little wussy-dog that had to scamper up on to the porch and hide like a little girl.

I won’t quit you because no matter HOW many times flyerhawk quits us, or jonlester or any one ELSE for that matter, they’d come back JUST to say they “lived” longer than I did. THIS, I can NOT allow.

I won’t quit you because Sister C would mock and embarrass me for not even lasting as long as a “girl” in this “man-cave” and this…ESPECIALLY…we can not have.

I won’t quit you because no matter how hard I might try otherwise, I would STILL lurk every morning-first through the diaries, THEN the Pejmalanche, and THEN the RedHots…and I would be fooling myself to pretend I would do otherwise…in ANY order.

Crack, you see, is a buzz one cannot do without.

Besides, who the hell else would even LISTEN, except you crazy sob’s I’ve spent the last 4 precious years of my life with, were I to try and explain the Hinz rule…or just what the hell a “Kowalski” was? Nope-you ain’t getting rid of me, I can tell you that much. I ain’t goin’ down without a fight…Uber Moby ain’t got NUTHIN on me.

I won’t quit you because there ain’t a force on this earth strong enough, no matter HOW good looking DeVine might be, to get me in a sleeping bag with him in the mountains…under ANY circumstance…not even a Republican landslide on Capitol Hill in 2008. [Not that I have to worry about THAT, thank God]

I won’t quit you because I can not live without spewing coffee number 2 on the laptop as I read yet another installment of Mr. Lane’s taunts and tormentations of the leftroots and the humiliation he makes me feel FOR them as I wonder how they go home at night and explain to their families and loved ones that…no matter WHAT Moe says, they really ARE decent and sane human beings…no, REALLY. [blink] No REALLY…

I won’t quit you because without blackhedd and Soren and Adam and Kevin and streiff and Leon and Neil and the two Marks and Jeff and CY and Crank and Feddie and Krempasky and Hunter and absentee and Ben and that Cella fella and (last but certainly not least) the inimitable Academic Elephant – why – I wouldn’t even be able to SPELL “political pragmatism”…let alone grasp its intergalactic meaning.

Oh, and did I mention my idol Thomas? Oh, nevermind-if you’re younger than two you have NO FREAKING IDEA how many limbs you might otherwise have already had to learn to function without…

Now, as for that Erickson character…well, there’s always at least ONE thorn on every rose bush. But even HE can’t break my crack habit that is known as…