Election 2014: the twilight-zone-mega-tsunami-crazy-pill-pinch-me WAVE

What light is to the eyes, what air is to the lungs, what love is to the heart, liberty is to the soul of man.”

~Robert Ingersoll


I couldn’t take my eyes off it. It was like some glorious comet, shimmering across heaven, spraying the planet with [mc_name name=’Sen. Ted Cruz (R-TX)’ chamber=’senate’ mcid=’C001098′ ] soundbites. Race after race pulled tears from Rachel Maddow…. Chris Matthews, on MSNBC, resembled Jack-the-Ripper whacking midgets with rubber hoses.


What a sight. And what a change…. A natural cynic, I’d earlier gloom-and-doomed, peeing in the Cheerios of every optimist in the land.


How, in this environment, were Dems linked to Bambi tied with – or in many cases AHEAD – of Republicans? Sensing disaster – that the Stupid Party would snag defeat from the Jaws of Victory – I prayed. All week, I’d grown my nails; gnawing was foreseen. And when the polls closed, it looked bad.… In North Carolina, [mc_name name=’Sen. Kay Hagan (D-NC)’ chamber=’senate’ mcid=’H001049′ ] took off. In Florida, Charlie Crist opened a big lead…. No “wave.” Heck, Dems might drop balloons…. Gloat hard and early.

But, then it happened.… With low numbers in Broward County, between Miami and Palm Beach, Charlie Crist filed to extend voting hours. Fatalists were abuzz—in an epic shift with presidential implications, Rick Scott was losing Florida. Had lost it.

But Crist knew something. And it concerned him so that he sought “judicial remedy.”

No surprise. If you’ve ever shaken hands with a Dem politician, you’ve shaken hands with a scoundrel. Keeping the polls open (in blue precincts) wasn’t aberrant—save for the fact that he was ahead by 20 POINTS. Drapes were being measured. A Republican-turned-Dem was near Victory despite being phonier than a Times Square Rolex.

Enter Fate…. Who knows what would’ve happened had a crooked judge played ball. Likely, instead of licking wounds, he’d be long for Tallahassee. But instead, Fate arrived in the form of a Straight-Shooter—there would be no extension. Broward County would close. No extra time to cram refugees into vans.

And, suddenly, momentum changed—Scott surged. Crist fell. And Matthews mutated into a sleep-deprived toddler. He’s never been stable. On most days, it seems as if salary incentives, pegged to saliva volume, oblige him to rant; clowns are less crazy. But that said, he melted down, went berserk, and when the smoke cleared – “Scott wins Florida!” – he resembled a Parisian watching Nazis mount Panzers and roll triumphantly beneath the Arc de Triomphe.

Does it get better? No.

But inexplicably, it got better. Within forty minutes, a race for the nation’s soul – fascism vs. freedom; tyranny vs. sanity – went Republican. For the third time in four years, Scott Walker CRUSHED unions, spiking tension in studio. Joined by Ed Schultz, Rachel urged hipsters to “bag the bong,” as her sidekick grew paranoid, and when Schultz blamed “deer hunters” for Walker’s lead, he was cut-off by a bladder incontinence ad. I hesitate to say it was the finest moment of my life, but, well—it was the finest moment of my life.


It’s 96 hours later. The airwaves, free of political ads, exude calm. Relaxing, I turn, see where I fell and convulsed with joyous laughter. Did Republicans REALLY gain 9 Senate seats, jamming suicide hot-lines from coast-to-coast? In Texas, did Abortion Barbie – aka Wendy Davis – REALLY lose white women by 35 points, all women by 9 points, and vacate her senate seat to a gun-toting “tea-billy”? In California, Sandra Fluke lost by 22 points. In South Carolina, “white racists” elected [mc_name name=’Sen. Tim Scott (R-SC)’ chamber=’senate’ mcid=’S001184′ ] by 24 points…. Is this what you’re telling me?

Or is it fantasy? A dream full of Lucys urging Hope to kick the football?

I don’t dance. Break-dancing, particularly, rubs me wrong. No one not out of their head over something so absurd as the citizens of Illinois electing a GOP governor turns his hat sideways, unlaces his tennies, and flops like a terrified bat on a Bunsen-burner.

That said, I distinctly remember bolting across the kitchen, pushing off the refrigerator, back-flipping, and doing this. ILLINOIS? The only thing nuttier would be Massachusetts—


“Republican Charlie Baker, in an attempt to make Greg Halvorson break-dance, has defeated Martha Coakley….”

My knees buckled. It was like watching a second-grade hockey team comprised of Special Olympians slam puck after puck past a Russian goaltender.


No. The Donkeys DROWNED. FEMA director Bill Fugate should replace Deb Downer as cadaver emeritus at the Party of Lies. When news broke that MARYLAND had joined Illinois, Maine, Michigan, and Massachusetts – that the Blue Wall had collapsed – that Republicans in Leftville were coat-tailing down-ballot, I reprised every move from “Singing in the Rain” – rapido allegro – sans irony.

Brutal. For the narcissist who lives on Pennsylvania Ave, a LAMBASTING. Poor guy—couldn’t have happened to a nicer embarrassment. But, unfortunately, he won’t change. No chance he’ll embrace truth and do what’s right; but thanks to his rancid hubris, here’s the Map. What it shows is Republican majorities in 69 chambers (versus 30 for Dems), control of BOTH the governors’ mansion and legislature in 24 states (versus 7), and the largest number of House reps – pushing 250 – of any party since the 1920s.

Republicans – that shrinking REGIONAL PARTY – hold 31 governorships (a modern high) and 70% of legislative bodies coast-to-coast. A nation comprised of patriots who cherish freedom, who love liberty, who reject “fundamental transformation,” doused “Hope and Change” with kerosene and lit a match.

So, perhaps, it’s in Americans’ blood. Yes, the Gipper once said, “Freedom is never more than one generation from extinction. We didn’t pass it to our children in the bloodstream. It must be fought for, protected, and preserved for them to do likewise.”

But maybe it’s inherent. In order to pass it on, we must teach and inform. We must advance truthful narratives. But if liberty is to “the soul of man what love is to the heart,” it’s in our veins. Freedom courses through walls. It begins in the heart, the heart pumps blood, and blood streams through time. Freedom existed before anyone taught it.

That’s how we came to be. How America was born. And last Tuesday, we saw a population AROUSED. A People whose ancestors yearned for something greater and came to these shores for Freedom went out, voted, and sacked progressive tyranny.

In Proverbs it’s written: Foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child.; the rod of correction will drive it from him.

And on November 4, 2014, the American people delivered the “rod of correction” to a child. Egomaniac, Marxist, demagogue—unfortunately, he’s also these. But for just a few hours, we spanked him and his party, took them over our collective knee.

And, as a man, it made me smile. It made me howl and laugh. And somewhere, I sensed, in the Great Beyond, high above, it made an Old Friend share happily in that mirth.

~Greg Halvorson