Diary

Men: #ShoutYourVasectomy!

On the front page this morning, the always erudite Repair_Man_Jack demolishes the vile #ShoutYourAbortion.

(There’s HUGE potential for a tie-in with the NRA)

A few hard core pro-abort fanatics are able to manipulate social media to garner far more attention than they deserve.

Satire has always been an effective means of deflating anything and everything  (BTW, I can’t wait for Saturday Night Live to begin parodying Trump. Will he perhaps sue? Or boycott NBC, CNBC, and MSNBC?)

With that in mind, I propose #ShoutYourVasectomy! (kindly note the exclamation point!)

Given that some 500,000 vasectomies are performed in the US each year, vs. 1,200,000 abortions, and that vasectomies are easily, and almost always reversible,  unlike, say, murdering an innocent baby..which is ALWAYS permanent…it’s obvious that we just need to work harder to get out the message.

So let the #ShoutYourVasectomy! movement begin here.

Men, if you’ve been snipped, share your story here……..all of it, the good, the bad, AND the ugly…

Ladies, if your loved one has done the deed because he loves you…do tell..ALL

And I suppose it’s only right that I go first….

The lady I asked to marry me had recently gone through a fairly bitter divorce ( he was having an affair with the next-door-neighbor) He left her with two very young children.  I adored them all, and was excited at the idea of an “instant family.”  She happily agreed to marry me, on one condition…that we would not have any more children. Given what she’d just been through, that was perfectly understandable, and I was more than fine with it. I never felt the need to perpetuate my own gene pool.

(Ya think Democrats might even like the above?)

Two good friends of mine had recently undergone vasectomies, so when the bride-to-be and I were discussing contraception methods, I up and volunteered for a vasectomy. (She paid for it…said it was my engagement present from her)

See, both  my friends had told me it was no big deal. One, who was a cop with the NYPD (his procedure was fully covered under their medical plan) told me he had his done in the morning, and then worked a 4-12 tour that same day.

Guess what?

HE LIED!!!!!

BIG TIME!!!

It was a fascinating day. I arrive at the doctor’s office 8am..always get the FIRST appointment..doc’s at the top of his game in the morning…..my finance drives me..I’m told I can’t drive afterwards…(or maybe she just wants to make sure I REALLY get it done?)

In the exam room, doctor tells me to stand up, drop trou, then he pulls up a piano stool, spins it around until the height is just right, then sits there and examines my jewels…. eyeball to well…..balls (hey, Rich Lowry can say it)

I’m pronounced ready to go, told to change into a surgical gown (opens from the front, BTW) and then led into the OR.  It’s an out patient procedure, and the OR is more like a dentist’s room. I sit in the chair, it reclines me at a 45 degree angle,  and I’m injected in the groin area.

The natural tendency is to either a) close one eye’s and say a prayer, or b) to look anywhere in the room except about 3 feet due south.

Except, EXCEPT, my guy is a regular comedian.  Who knew? Up on the wall directly in front on me, is one of those big round mirrors, and right next to it is a large sign, with a $100 bill taped to it . (which was a nice sum 35 years ago)

The sign says, in big bold letters:

IF YOU WATCH THIS (arrow pointing to the mirror) then

YOU CAN HAVE THIS!! (arrow pointing to the c-note)

He told me later that in 25 years of practice, he’d had to pay off three times.

FYI..I opted to close my eyes .

So, I feel my groin area getting numb. The comparison to the dentist is for real..it’s like you mouth feels when the novocaine kicks in…before the drilling commences.

As the procedure starts, you feel this hard pulling, tugging sensation in your groin area.  It’s weird, slightly unpleasant, in no way painful.

It’s over really quick..surprisingly so.

I then dress,  walk back to the doctor’s office.  Small steps, but no pain whatsoever (it takes a while for the meds to wear off)

There,  and only AFTER the procedure,  I find out the real story:

1. It’s gonna hurt, like hell, for about 24 hours. Doc says “be a man” (huh? ya think? after this…? now he tells me that? really?)  take aspirin

2. My testicles are going to swell up….a lot..I mean really, REALLY, REALLY BIG. It was scary. (I spent the next two days sitting up in bed, or in a chair, with lots of ice..moving as little as possible

3. I’m told no sex for a week..you don’t  want to risk tearing something. (Darn, my big THANK YOU will have to wait)

4. But it’s the last instruction that is the cruelest of them all. Seems that my swimmers are really tough, hardy little guys..Some can even survive inside your plumbing for quite a while. So, to be 100% safe and secure, we still have to use contraception for a 30 days……….A WHOLE MONTH!!!

It’s as if somebody gave you a brand new sports car..parked it in your driveway, gave you the keys..but  then said..“OOPSIE! One little detail  I forgot to mention..you can’t drive it for a month..”

Post-script. That evening, my good friend, the no good “lying” cop…called to see how I was doing. After I spent a few minutes ranting and cursing, and yes, laughing…he said he couldn’t believe I fell for it. The next day he stopped by the house with TWO gallons of ice cream. I asked why two..he said “the first one was to eat, the other to put on my balls..”