Monster Slayers

Our tale begins in an era surrounded by myth and legend where figures greater than life itself roamed the world. The world was also filled with dark and terrible creatures that longed to wreck havoc on the unsuspecting townspeople as they went about their merry lives. It was the townspeople of York who first noticed something amiss. All around their village things began to disappear or turn up damaged. Word of the trouble filtered out into the rest of the kingdom and the ruler of the land, the Great One himself, sent forth his Wisest Sage Greenspan and his Apprentice Bernanke to investigate the cause of the unrest.

The townspeople greeted the Great Wizard with cheers when he arrived in their village and did everything he asked as he set about to investigate the problem. For a lengthy time he consulted the spirits of the past, the Mighty and August Director Keynes, until at long last his evocations revealed a most Pernicious Imp known to all as the dreaded Recession. The Great Wizard told the townspeople to fear not, for he possessed the Wisdom of the Ages needed to banish the Pernicious Imp back to the ether from which it had sprung. It was at that time that an Old Man, bent with age, hobbled forth from the cheering crowd to cry out.

“Halt,” the Old Man said through beard most thick and grey, “Take care for what you do, Wizard. The Imp most Foul can nay be defeated except with the Golden Relic.”

“Silence, Old Fool,” Apprentice Bernanke said reproachfully. “Ye dare speak to the Sage in such a manner? Know ye not that he is the Greatest of all the Wizards from the domain of Reserve? Your relic is nothing more than rubbish from a bygone age that shall not come again!”

“Be not so harsh, my eager apprentice,” Sage Greenspan said. He turned and smiled kindly to the Old Man. “Perhaps there is some power in your Golden Relic, but my apprentice is right; that Age has ended forever.”

The Old Man turned away as the Great Sage reached into his flowing robes and pulled forth a Balance, which he held aloft. As the sun reflected off of the Scale there was a clamor from the crowd. Before their very eyes a tiny Creature appeared. It was hideous in appearance, with a single eye focused on destruction, tiny claws bent on mischief, and a harsh skin of grief and sorrow.

“By the power vested in me, I banish you,” Sage Greenspan said in a loud voice. He waved his scale and the balance tipped under the weight of his command. A rift was opened up in the great universal Interest Rate Continuum and the Imp of Malaise was sucked into it. The Old Man shook his head sadly as a mighty roar went forth from the crowd. People rejoiced for many days and prosperity did reign.

Many years passed and the Great Sage relinquished his Authority to his apprentice. From his Great White Tower at the Center of the World the Wizard Bernanke ruled all under the authority of his Master, the Great One. With a Mighty Hand he did select those who should win and those who should lose. A troubling Rumor swept the land once more, again from the village of York, and so did the Arbiter of Standards and Practices, the Wizard Bernanke himself, travel once more to the very spot where his Teacher had vanquished the Imp.

The People cried out with relief when they saw the Wizard approach. All around them the village of York was crumbling. The Bear’s Head tavern had collapsed. Leeman’s Mines had filled with water. Even one of the village’s finest bulls had been eaten whole by an unknown Predator.

“Fear not,” Wizard Bernanke said, his voice unsteady, his brow perspiring heavily. The people, however, were not sated by his words.

For many days did Bernanke scour the village, as his master had once done, consulting again with the spirits of the past. Under the direction of the Honored One, the Benefactor Keynes, Wizard Bernanke opened his Mouth and Issued forth a Great Flood of Liquidity. The Liquidity washed over the town of York and there was much rejoicing, however, the village continued to crumble and fear returned.

“It has returned,” a voice rang out. Bernanke looked at the sound of the shout to see the Old Man pointing at him accusingly. “The Day of Reckoning has arrived!”

“You are senile Old Fool,” Bernanke said. He reached into his robe and pulled forth the Balance. “Behold my true power!”

As the sun gleamed off of the Balance a Creature appeared, the same Creature that everyone had believed long vanquished. To the horror of all, the Creature, that Imp most Foul, was no longer small, but now a Monstrous Giant, full of Slavering, as it Devoured all that it came across. The People cried out desperately for a savior.

“The Golden Relic,” The Old Man yelled. “We must use the Relic!”

“Silence him,” Wizard Bernanke roared as the people stopped up their ears. “Behold, I will save you.”

Wizard Bernanke lifted up his scale and summoned up all the power it possessed. A great rift was opened up in the Interest Rate Continuum, but to the dismay of all, the tiny hole in the fabric of reality could no longer accommodate the vast size of the Creature. Wizard Bernanke opened his Mouth again, and again Issued forth a Flood of Liquidity greater than any that had gone before. The Liquidity burned as if acid against the Creature, but the Creature merely grew larger in size. The Battle did Rage for what seemed like Months. Wizard Bernanke assaulted the Creature again and again, his weapons crashing down on the Creature like an Ocean of Green Ink.

“All is lost,” the People cried. “Our Champion has fallen.”

“Wait, look there,” Another cried out. “It is the Great One himself!”

Out of the dark stormy sky a shining figure descended over the village of York. The Countenance of this Man was like one of Great Honor. He was Robed in the Prestige of History and in his Right Hand held a Sword and a Balance, in his Left Hand a large leather bound Book. On his Left Shoulder was a Golden Donkey, on his Right a Burnished Silver Elephant.

The Great One wasted no time in granting Succor to his Stricken Agent Bernanke. He pointed his Sword at the Raging Imp and spoke a word of command. The Iron Bands of the Law descended from the sky and fell as if chains upon the Beast and the Beast was constrained. A cry of Victory went up from the People, but the sound died on their lips as a Calamity unfolded. The acid of the Liquidity ate away at the Law as surely as it had seared the hide of the Beast and with a mighty burst of resolve the Creature shattered the Command of the Great One. With a roar of indignation the Creature swatted the Great One from the sky so that he Fell next to his Agent, the Wizard Bernanke. The People recoiled in horror, all was lost.

It was at that moment that the Old Man stepped forth, the Golden Relic in his hand. It had the appearance of a comically large coin. On one side of its gleaming yellow surface it said $20 and on the other it was inscribed with the words In God We Trust. He selected a small Child out of the Crowd and told him what to do.

“Take this relic, this Thing of an Age now gone, and cast it into the Creature,” The Old Man said.

“Sir, surely not, for I know nothing of Wizardry,” the Child said.

“Wizardry cannot Banish the recompense of its own Err,” The Old Man said. The Child nodded and taking the relic cast it toward the Creature. The Creature recognized its peril, but was powerless in the face of the relic. The yellow metal, which Shined as if the Sun itself, sank into the Hide of the Creature, melting the Creature away until nothing remained. The People did rejoice and Petitioned the Old Man to Rule them once more. As the bygone Era did return prosperity reigned in the land and the Golden Relic was set up to ward away that Pernicious Imp lest it ever return.