Meet the New Shrimp Czar

Hoping to assure Americans that he has taken a leadership role on the BP oil spill, the president donned a bib tonight and ate a big plate of gulf coast seafood in the Oval Office complete with tartar sauce, gumbo made from veggies in Michelle’s garden, and jalapeno cornbread. He punctuated his cadence during the speech with a creole accent and also appointed a new czar.

“Let me be clear. Jumbo shrimp is an oxymoron, Joe Biden is a complete moron, and I am not responsible for this crisis. That’s why I’ve asked BP to open an escrow account for seafood lovers everywhere. I will also be creating a new position in my White House, a seafood czar to oversee the safety of fish and shrimp from the gulf. Bobby Thibodeaux is the former manager of a Red Lobster and a staunch environmentalist who once built explosives for the Weather Underground and believes in cap-and-trade. I am confident he will fit right in with my administration.”

Later in the speech, in a rare moment of honesty, the president questioned the need for the televised address in the first place:

“I honestly have no idea what you people want me to do. I’ve acted concerned since day one. I appointed fourteen commissions. I threatened criminal charges against BP, deflating the value of their stock by 50%. I’ve walked along the beach, picked up tar balls, and put off the endless stream of solutions from that Huckleberry Hound Louisiana governor. I went down there and stood in the rain. I even got seagull crap on my jacket. Now whose ass do I have to kick to get some credit?”

In all seriousness, I expected President Obama to step up the rhetoric for clean energy and increase the attacks on oil companies he would just as soon force into bankruptcy so he can bail out and run like GM. There was some of that, but the speech was underwhelming. It was back to campaign mottos, platitudes, and yes, more czars.