Tucson Sheriff Dupnik to Request Palin, Limbaugh Extradition

“For two generations we have been trying to make the point that people are not responsible for their own actions,” said Tucson Sheriff Clarence Dupnik in an interview after the recent shooting incident in Tucson, Arizona.  “We need to extradite the people who were really responsible for this tragic crime.”

Asserting that the writings and rantings of former vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin and radio talk show host Rush Limbaugh were really responsible for the shootings that also injured US Congresswoman Gabrielle Giffords, the Tucson Sheriff continued, “There is no reason to blame an innocent actor who had no stature or authority with the US public.   Best practices in our Brave New World suggest that no crisis or tragedy should ever go to waste, and wasting this tragedy on indictment of a previously unknown actor would be a travesty of justice.  Someone with stature and authority must be made to answer for this crime.  Nobody is willing to accept that a ‘nobody’ type of person is actually culpable in such a heinous act.  It’s simply not credible that a previously anonymous, even if troubled, citizen would have the agency to think for himself, make a personal decision, and commit such a violent act.”

People’s Media Prosecutor Paul Krugman agreed with Dupnik.  “We can’t allow these dangerous thoughts to have traction in the media.  If we attribute to a private actor the concept that people can have their own ideas – even crazy ones – of their own, and if we allow the concept that the killer was uninfluenced by outside thoughts of others, then we give traction to the concept of personal responsibility and that’s simply not an option for our society.  Accordingly, I’m asking the AG to request extradition of Sarah Palin from the State of Alaska and Rush Limbaugh from the State of Florida.  Whenever Loughner put on his tinfoil hat in the mistaken impression that it was a form of protection, his thoughts were actually being controlled by a secret technology deployed by the Palin/Limbaugh cabal.”

“It’s all about ratings and web page hits,” noted Krugman.  “Nobody ever got 400 comments on a story by attacking a notorious criminal – anybody can do that.  Our society is not served unless we can place the finger of blame on a more prominent public figure seemingly unrelated to the actual event.”

Dupnik continued, “If we consent to the idea that such a horrific crime can be attributed to someone who lacks an Ivy League education, or has not held previous public office or conservative media influence, then other people will get big ideas too.  People could feel empowered to think for themselves and that’s unconscionable in our society.  People might decide to take personal responsibility for their thoughts and actions, and then where would we be?  People might even try to hold others accountable for their actions.  Then people would run for political office and start businesses and the die would then be cast.  We just can’t allow that sort of thought.  We need to act in a manner that holds everyday people blameless, in fact powerless, over their own thoughts and actions.”

Dupnik also used the press conference as an occasion to announce a new task force to address risks of such crimes in the future.  “We checked with our major vendors and are satisfied that prevention technology as seen in the movie ‘Minority Report’ is just not ready to use in small urban departments.  Accordingly, we have organized the Ouija Task Force to help secure our public officials and prevent such acts in the future.  This task force will make use of proven and well-understood technology to ensure the safety of our public officials.  The miracle of this technology is that neither the surveillants nor investigators need tinfoil headgear – thoughts can be both overheard and implanted with no metallic referent whatsoever and with full information security.”

“We are serving notice on people like Palin and Limbaugh: your crimes will not go undetected and unpunished.”