For the next four weeks, I am a Lakers fan

I hate the Lakers. I hate Phil Jackson, and before him, I hated Pat Riley. I hate Andrew Bynum and that schulb Pao Gasol. I hate former Lakers like the Shaq, Kareem, Magic, Kurt Rambis, Byron Scott, and James Worthy. I don’t actually hate AC Green though, long story. I even hate Jack Nicholson and the rest of those smarmy, spoiled fans. And by at least a mile, I hate Kobe the most. I hate Kobe with passion as deep and rich as chocolate cheesecake made with rum.

You see, I am a Dallas Mavericks man, and my deep and abiding malice for the Lakers is matched only by my loathing of the Philadelphia Eagles, the Boston Redsox, and the Zero-University Sooners.

But today, in this month of May, 2010, I stand with Jack Nicholson. It’s Laker Purple, baby.

Why is this, EPU?

Why this blasphemy?

Because I want them to beat the pants off those America-hating, left-wing apologist, busy-body, scum-sucking commie Suns or Spurs.

I am done tolerating stupid athletes (and coaches) selling out America with their rich guilt. I am done with smug, smarmy idiots spitting on America, spitting on the rule of law, and urinating on the Constitution. For you non-sports-enabled cretins who do not speak ESPN, the Suns owner popped off, then that submoronic fruitcake Steve Nash opened his piehole, and the final insult was delivered by the othewise redoubtable Spurs coach Greg Popovich. All slamming the citizens and legislature of Arizona, and in support of illegal immigration.

Really, you idiots? Really, Steve Nash? You support coyotes and drug runners? You support evil men who behead local citizens, and shoot cops, judges, and journalists who won’t be bought off? You support the murder of rancher Robert Krentz? You support the taxes of Arizona citizens being confiscated and spent on illegal aliens filling up the schools and hospitals? You support semi vans stuffed full of people who were promised a better life, but instead suffocated or died of thirst in 140 degree heat?

You give the back of your hand to the good citizens of America who are finally fed up with the federal government not taking care of urgent business? You wipe your feet on the 70% of Arizonans who support this bill? A bill which was, after all, nothing more than the state version of current federal law. Bet you didn’t know that, because you would have had to read and think.

Here’s one for you, Steve Nash. Eff-You with a dead porcupine, you arrogant, stupid SOB. Dittos to you, Popovich and Sarver.

I have no more toleration for these people. It’s bloody war between the left on one hand, and America on the other, and it’s about stinking time. You do what you want. But for me, no more. They are vermin. I snuff them out when and where I find them. They are the enemies of freedom, the enemies of the rule of law, and the enemies of America.

The winner between Los Suns and Los Spurs plays the Lakers in the Western Conference Finals. Whoever it is, they will go down ugly under the Purple, and I will teabag and otherwise desecrate their miserable, rotting corpses. [obscure gaming reference for those who know 🙂 ]

Today, I am a Laker