A Second Stimulus Conservatives Could Get Behind

I’ve been thinking about this for awhile. I believe there’s a way to do this, for both parties to meet in the middle to get this country back on track economically. Probably with less than 2000 pages of bill too, not to brag or anything. The Democrats have been making some noise for quite some time about a “Second Stimulus”, which of course has no chance whatsoever of being passed, now that they’ve blown whatever leeway was given them before the first Porkulus Stimulus, the banking and auto company takeovers, the attempted Cap-n-Tax, and the attempted theft of 1/6 of the economy under the pretext of “covering the uninsured”.

The Democrats have a big fat donut (“zero”) in the bank of political capital, the economy is sucking Greyhound bus fumes, the Republicans have all the political capital in the world but only 40% in both houses, and yet this Chicago thug sits in the White House looking to stomp into splinters even the shards of a broken economy. I think we all have something to gain, and something to lose.

So I propose a deal.

What the Democrats Want

  • Pay off their union cronies, ACORN, their trial lawyer masters, Big Hollywood: it seems the first Stimulus was advertised as a “jump-start” for the economy, but was in reality a great big fungible wet kiss to various Democrat constituencies. Clearly it was not enough, judging by poll numbers. They’ll be wanting more money.
  • More spending, more programs, more bureaucracy: after all, they’re Democrats. What would you think of a leopard without spots, anyway?
  • More investigations of Bush era misdeeds: nothing helps your poll numbers like sending a bunch of Republicans to jail.
  • A ghost of a shot at re-election: it ain’t looking so good for 2010. Every “blue dog” Nancy forces to vote for government takeovers is going to die ugly on election day. As a matter of fact, a whole bunch of left-wingers are going to go down as well. Living large in Northern Virginia, having talk shows and network anchors lavish attention on you, sending pork home, and getting wined and dined by future employers (K Street), that life can be addicting.
  • Permanent Democrat dominance in national politics: Nothing says “I love me” like a lifetime appointment to the House or Senate.
  • The 2010 elections rigged: that’s spelled “A-C-O-R-N”. It’s been a rather bumpy road for ACORN the last 11 months, and it looks like defunding, prison sentences, and dismantling are on the horizon. And without ACORN, Democrats simply cannot steal any close elections.

What Republicans Want

  • Lower taxes, lower deficits, lower spending: Who wouldn’t want these things? Except for Democrats, and the leftist partisan media, I mean.
  • More personal freedom, less government intrusion, for all Americans: Once again, is there any serious, patriotic American who does not want this?
  • The economy back on track, thriving, and unemployment back down under 5%: the above two items would go a long way toward securing this item.
  • A strong and respected America on the world stage: we’re tired of being made to look guilty for leading the world in technology, in human rights, in economic growth, in agriculture, in military prowess, and on and on. We are America, we are exceptional, and we don’t bow.
  • Freedom and self-determination for Iraq and Afghanistan: for Honduras as well.
  • The troops to be supported or pulled out: the life of every soldier is precious (except for that murdering jihadist pig), and being over there in harm’s way with no discernable mission is getting American men killed. I know every president can’t lead like George W Bush, but this Obama character is dangerously incompetent to lead anybody anywhere.

What Bambi the Chicago Showgirl Wants

Ah, who bloody cares what he wants. He wants to be Hugo Chavez. President for life of a crumbling, broken banana republic. And it ain’t gonna happen. This punk is 4-and-out, and the job of all of us is to contain the damage he does until he’s gone.

The Middle Ground – a Second Stimulus

So I propose a compromise between Democrats and Republicans on a second stimulus, to get this economy in the recovery mode. So 4 of these are from the Dem list, 4 from the Repub list. I have taken the liberty of co-opting the Democrat definition of “bipartisanship” : get everything I want, promise a few bennies to enough suckers on the other side to get their votes, then change the rules and mock them behind their backs while they reap all sorts of unintended consequences.

I hope you like it, and we SO should propose this as the Second Stimulus:

From the Democrat side:

  • Pay off their union cronies, ACORN, their trial lawyer masters, Big Hollywood: well, not ALL their cronies, just Big Pharma. Obviously Big Pharma is their friend, since they backed this BambiCare thing. Right? Right? So, I was thinking: if we were to enact nation-wide tort reform, Texas-style, I’m pretty sure Big Pharma would be tickled pink. Not that we care about such things, but a whole lot of things happen as a result: medical costs go down, insurance rates go down, more doctors are willing to work in more areas and more states, and (curiously) with insurance rates going down, more people can afford coverage. Isn’t that interesting? I know it’s a long shot, but we might get Vioxx back on the market, the best arthritis medicine ever invented (long story).
  • More spending, more programs, more bureaucracy: First, spending program: re-fund the F-22 Raptor. Now that we know China has its own competitor, soon to hit the scene, the F-22 is no longer “over-kill”. One more spending program: give General McChrystal his 40,000 additional troops. Both of these spending programs would actually stimulate the economy by bringing jobs directly to defense contractors, as well as all the smaller businesses that feed huge companies like that.
  • More investigations of Bush era misdeeds: Start by ordering the reinstatement of Inspector General Gerald Walpin, who was doing great work digging into Bush-era misdeeds by Obama crony Kevin Johnson, Mayor of Sacramento who was fleecing AmeriCorp for personal goods and “services”. These misdeeds were going on during the Bush Administration, and I think they should be investigated carefully. Obama had Walpin canned, for obvious reasons. But in the interest of investigating Bush-era misdeeds, we should go for it. William Jefferson and his 2001-2008 misdeeds are no longer as amusing as they used to be.
  • A ghost of a shot at re-election: there’s not alot of hope here. But if the red-district moderates tell Obama and the far-left agenda people to go jump in the lake, they have a better shot at keeping their seats in 2010. Better shot. Not a good shot.

From the Republican side:

  • Lower taxes, lower deficits, lower spending: cancel what’s left of TARP, what’s left of Porkulus, cancel all funding of anything that even smells related to unions, ACORN, and any number of bureaucracies. Make the Bush tax cuts permanent, and wipe out capital gains taxes (and watch how fast companies start hiring).
  • More personal freedom, less government intrusion, for all Americans: start deregulating the heck out of everything. Start by dissolving the Departments of Education, Labor, HHS, HUD, Energy, and most of all, Homeland Security. Remove from any consideration Net Neutrality, the so-called Fairness Doctrine, and any similar proposals.
  • A strong and respected America on the world stage:see above, under “give General McChrystal his 40,000 troops”. See also “re-fund the F-22”. While we’re at it, see if we can get Great Britain to ship that bust of Winston Churchill to Senate Minority Leader McConnell’s office for safe-keeping until January 21, 2013. Instruct various heads of state throughout the world that while our president may bow, our people and our Congress do not.
  • Freedom and self-determination for Iraq and Afghanistan:Win the war. Let the terrorists know that what President George W Bush said is still true of America: “We will not tire, we will not falter and we will not fail.” We will, in fact, own you, and end you.

Pretty good proposal? Fair? A few things for both sides?

Yeah, that was what I thought. I think I could live with it.

PS – on a personal note, your lovable, redoubtable EPU now has his own online conservative t-shirt store, called EPUGear (what else). And Christmas season is coming up…..