Diary

Ifill The Impartial

“Welcome to tonight’s vice presidential debate. I am your moderator, Gwen Ifill. As determined by a coin toss, the first question will be addressed to Senator Biden. Senator, do you agree with all intelligent people that Barack Obama will be a great president?”

Biden: “In all honesty, Gwen, you should direct that question towards Hillary Clinton, who is infinitely more qualified to be vice president than a gasbag like me.”

Ifill: “Mayor Palin…”

Palin: “That would be Governor Palin.”

Ifill: “Mayor Palin, you enjoy shooting guns and killing defenseless beings. Do you have a plausible alibi for November 22, 1963?”

Palin: “I was not yet born.”

Ifill: “Hmmm. Kind of weak. Okay, see if you can give a better answer to this one: Why should Americans want a vice president who is obviously white trash?”Palen: “I am proud to be a patriotic, church-going citizen who believes in the Second Amendment. If that makes me white trash, then I prefer being white trash to being a pathologically dishonest mainstream pseudo journalist.”

Biden: “If I may interject, was that “pathologically dishonest” crack a slap at Senator Obama? Because if it was, I must insist that Barack would not be our first pathologically dishonest president. God knows…remember Bill Clinton?”

Ifill: “Joe, I have book sales riding on this election, so please take the Fifth for the remainder of the debate. Housefrau Palin, how do you justify running for national office as a lycanthrope?”

Palin: “Excuse me?”

Ifill: “Werewolf. When the moon is full, can America afford to have a vice president roaming the countryside craving human flesh?”

Palin: “Could we have a more objective moderator? Like Michelle Obama, maybe?”

Ifill: “I’m sorry. We are out of time. Please watch next week’s presidential debate, which will be moderated by Michael Moore. Until then, this is Gwen Ifill saying ‘Breakthrough: Politics and Race in the Age of Obama’, Random House, $29.95. Or God forbid, if McCain wins, you can have it for thirty-nine cents.”