The Democratic Convention Abridged

Monday Night: Before our very eyes, Michelle Obama morphs from being Eldridge Cleaver into being June Cleaver. In the past, she viewed the United States as hell on Earth…only worse. Now she loves America more than George Washington ever did. Holy expedient transformation, Batman!

Tuesday Night: Hillary Clinton puts on her red shoes, desperately hoping that come November she will be dancing on Barack Obama’s political grave. Hillary technically endorses The One, but with all the enthusiasm of Kim Goldman endorsing O.J. Simpson. One gets the impression that John McCain already has a couple of Chappaqua votes in the bag.

Wednesday Night: Dennis Kucinich declares that the United States is an imperial bandit that kills Iraqi babies to steal their oil. The liberal crowd erupts with approving cheers. Bill Clinton gives a stemwinder in which he does not mention Islamic terrorism…in fact, the subject of Islamic terrorism is never mentioned at the convention, seeing as how Islamic terrorism is a right wing myth. Joe Biden castigates McCain for believing in a strong national defense and free enterprise – only socialism and appeasement can possibly return America to peace and prosperity. As he speaks, Biden frantically gesticulates as though he is a ground crew member guiding a wayward 747 down the runway.

Thursday Night: Zeus descends from the clouds and enters the temple. Men gasp. Woman swoon (but not as much as Keith Olbermann swoons). The media declares Barack Obama’s acceptance speech to be the greatest oratory ever, barely edging out the previous greatest speeches in human history: the Obama Philadelphia Race Speech and the Obama Berlin World Citizen Speech.

Friday Morning: As delegates leave Denver, the more realistic amongst them drop to their knees and pray that McCain alienates his base by choosing Joe Lieberman because they realize that is the only way Barack Hussein Obama will ever enter the Oval Office except by crawling in through an open window.