Obama’s “Shovel-Ready” Speech to Congress

So I’m a glutton for punishment, which is why I decided to watch CBS’s coverage of Barack’s speech to congress. I couldn’t resist the chance to observe Katie Couric in full-dress idolatry. As always, Katie didn’t disappoint with the type of hard-hitting journalistic skills that Larry Flynt gives scholarships for.

As His Excellency made his way to the podium, Katie apparently reached over, punched the primer a few times and yanked the cord…and Jeff Greenfield coughed, hissed and eventually sputtered out something about how Conservative politicians seem to be rather receptive these days to criticism from talk radio hosts like Rush Limbaugh and Sean Hannity who have taken to calling Obama a “Stalinist”.

Which, you see, is why they must be silenced by the state and sent to the salt mines if possible. Calling the President a “Stalinist”…honestly.

The President began with a shout-out to his wife, the First Lady, poor, disadvantaged Michelle Obama who, because of America’s meanness, could only go to Princeton and earned a meager $300,000 salary. It just goes to show that even though we’ve made some progress, we still have a long way to go.

On to the substance of the speech, if we can call it that. Actually, first I’d like to say a word about Nancy Pelosi, who was in the background during the entire speech so she was tough to turn away from…sort of like a train wreck.

Does this woman realize that she isn’t hot anymore? Seriously…what’s with all the plastic, tucks and lifts? Her face looks like a balloon stretched over a pinecone…with a wig on it. Have you ever seen anyone trying harder to find the “fountain of middle-age”?

OK, now it’s time for the “substance”. Barack started off with blaming the financial crisis on regulations having been “gutted” in recent years for a quick profit.

I wish!

Try financial institutions being overregulated in recent years to ensure no profit and you’ll be in the ballpark. If you don’t believe me, loan money to the Treasury Secretary sometime…for his delinquent tax bill…and see if he pays you back. Keep doing that for all the irresponsible tax cheats in the Administration (and Charlie Rangel) until every cent you have is gone and you’ll have an idea of what caused this mess.

Obama went on to recite his “save or create” line for the four, five, six, three or however many million jobs it is this week.

By the way, “save or create” means nothing…just so you know. If jobs are created, Obama can say “See, I created those jobs!” If no jobs are created, he can say “See, I saved a few million jobs!”. If jobs are lost, he can say “See, five million jobs have been lost but it would have been ten million if not for me, so I actually saved five million jobs!”

And, of course, the media will make sure the story gets told the right way…Katie.

In case you were doubting that the Administration knows what it is doing…Joe Biden will be overseeing the Stimulus!

What do you have to say about that atheists! No God huh? Joe Biden overseeing the Stimulus…explain that one!

And Barack has pronounced that there will be accountability for every dollar of Stimulus money that is spent. Which I guess means that Acorn will be commissioned to conduct the audits. They certainly have the budget for it now…don’t they.

Obama also went on to the subject of energy. He cited China, where they are crazy about pollution, as an example we should follow.

Obama will be building power lines to everywhere…and “power lines to nowhere”. These power lines will carry “energy” all over the [expletive]ing place! Where will the power come from? Who the hell knows! But there will be plenty of power lines!

My advice is, buy one of those energy experiment hobby kits from Radio Shack. As long as you never figure out the instructions or produce any energy, you will probably be eligible for millions in “renewable energy grants” under some program in the Stimulus.

See, with government subsidies…anything is profitable!

Obama also had tough words for the Auto Makers. He chastised them soundly for “bad decision-making” in the past…which I foolishly thought was a reference to ridiculous Union contracts, but he actually meant the outdated practice of trying to build cars that people want to buy in order to generate a profit. Well, there will be no more of that…especially that part about “profit”.

Obama assured us that ‘gone are the days’ when CEO’s would line their pockets at the taxpayers’ expense. And the throngs of multi-millionaire Democrats in the audience cheered wildly!

Which brings us to Healthcare. In short, Obama is going to cure cancer.

OK, now it’s time for Education. Obama will make sure everyone graduates from college and is prepared to Unionize, nationalize and re-prioritize until the standards for graduation are driven so low that any drooling imbecile who can piss his name in the snow will be awarded a degree for it.

That ought to boost our international prestige!

Don’t worry though, “The One” will also make sure we won’t pass on to our children, the ones who are lucky enough to be born, a debt they can’t repay…’cuz…he said so. And he means it too…really.

I noticed that John Kerry was quick to stop applauding and sit down after that line. I guess he’s just a few rich widows away from being able to pay off the national debt himself so it really doesn’t matter to him.

And, of course, no Obama “shovel-ready” speech would be complete without the obligatory references to “hope” and stuff. The soaring references to a “crossroads of history” which I’ve come to believe means ‘anytime Obama is in front of a camera’. A promise to uphold the values our troops are defending except free speech. And, finally, an assurance that Obama will not allow terrorists to plot against us from halfway around the world, especially after his party has worked so hard to make it damn comfortable for them to do it right here in the United States.