Diary

Hey Hollywood, I’ve Got Your “Pledge” Right Here!

By now just about everyone has seen the nauseating “Pledge to Obama” video made by the walking [censored] with eyes Ashton Kutcher and his mostly organic wife Demi Moore.

In case you haven’t, I’ll summarize it for you. The usual gaggle of celebutards (Diddy, the no-name chick from “Lost”, the Chinese girl from Charlie’s Angels, that Mexican-stereotype comedian guy…and the great, learned scholar Anthony Kiedes) made a video pledging to be nicer, recycle, get to know their neighbors, cure diseases, smile and bombard the rest of the human race with their smugness like never before in the name of…Barack Obama, who appears depicted in a Che Guevara-style picture right before I puke and the video ends.

Towards the end though, is an impassioned plea for all of us peons to make our own pledge. “What’s your pledge?” “You have a pledge don’t you?” “What is it…c’mon?”

So after all of the time that you Hollywood jerks have spent trashing unsophisticated, uncultured, right-wing Christian rubes from the south…like me…we’re supposed to hop on board and follow you just because you A-O’s have found your very own Jesus!?

Well since you asked, It seems that I do have a pledge…now. You really want to know what it is? Alright, here it goes;

I pledge to buy another gun this year.

I pledge to throw cheeseburger wrappers out the window of my car whenever I think I can get away with it…to “offset” all of the “green” BS you phonies claim to be doing.

I’m also going to turn lights on, burn gas, put regular garbage in the recycling bin and flush my toilet for no reason…just because I can.

I pledge to treat all people equally, without regard for their race…which means I’m going to point out what a zero Obama is every chance I get no matter how “historic” his presidency is.

I pledge to blame the next hurricane on Democrats…and especially Obama.

I pledge to make fun of Obama every time he makes an error in his pronunciation or articulation…just to see how much you jerks like it.

I pledge to come up with my own ideas for bumper stickers in order to “offset” all of the crap I have to read whenever I drive past a Starbucks parking lot.

Most of all, I pledge to point out every time one of you smug, sanctimonious, self-righteous, celebrity “pledgelings” fails to live up to your little ‘pledge’… starting with you Ashton Kutcher! I guess your pledge to be nicer to your neighbors didn’t extend to your actual neighbor…who you just called a [censored] on the video that everyone should get on Youtube and watch! What were you so upset about again? That’s right, your neighbor was doing construction on his house at seven o’clock in the morning and the noise was bothering you. Maybe he wasn’t aware that you had to put in extra hours at the factory the night before. Maybe he wasn’t aware of how demanding it is to be the husband of Bruce Willis’ ex-wife.

See, that’s what those of us who don’t videotape pranks for a living do…Asshton! Most of us get up and work while you’re loafing around your house waiting for your publicist to call. So you sir…are a phony!

One last thing…Asshton. If you’re so concerned about saving the planet, recycle your wife! There’s enough plastic there to clog-up two landfills.