Diary

RedState's Watercooler, 5/23 Open Thread: "Hold My Burrito And Watch This..."

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Welcome back to another installment of the Watercooler, RedState’s daily Open Thread! Today, we’ve got… well, if you have a low tolerance for bathroom humor you might want to find another thread.

CONTENT ADVISORY: Clear all food and drinks from mouth and desktop before proceeding; a head-call might be advisable as well. Neither RedState nor the author accept any responsibility for spewage-damaged keyboards or monitors resulting from the following. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.

No s**t, there I was, a Mason jar in one hand and…

This topic’s been percolating ever since Streiff shared his tale of watching some Sauerkraut get steamed by hot-light on the Berlin Wall–I thought it might be fun to share some of our favorite Animal House/Revenge of the Nerds-type pranks we’d seen or participated in through college or career. (Nothing the statute of limitations hasn’t run out on yet, please!)

I’ll go first, and start my story from my alma mater fifteen years ago by describing the target, a particularly nasty adjunct prof I’ll just call “Stinkerbelle” (for more reasons than one). I had her for one Computer Info Systems class, and one of her favorite tricks was to put in ambiguous questions where an answer could go either way based on whether you were one of her pets or not–not enough to torpedo anyone at either end of the scale, but enough that over the course of the class a student in the middle could be moved from one side of the Pass/Fail line to the other based on it. (That class was so horrible, when I mentioned that at end of the quarter I was going to use the text to study the ballistic protection offered by textbooks, even the non-gun people decided to just have a class party on the range–enough that I was able to get us a group discount.) Another of her more obnoxious traits… adjunct faculty had to share spaces in a portable office building about the size of a doublewide mobile home, and she always had to have these Mason jars she’d filled with various fragrances that gave everybody else in the building sneezing fits. Department heads and even Admin had repeatedly requested she desist, which brings us to the real stinger of this vile creature: her response was “you can’t fire me or I’ll file a Racial Discrimination suit, so you can’t do a damn thing about it and I’ll do as I damn well please,” then doubled-down on the general obnoxiousness.

That’s the background. Our story begins with a pretty young Pre-Med asking me for a sample of flatulence “for a research project,” since I have the reputation for being a prolific source of natural gas. So I switch from showers in the morning to baths at night, harvesting farts into this Mason jar to get her her sample… and then for some for some reason, some kinda word got around because lots of people, including our Chancellor himself, start to drop off Taco Bell (for some reason, they’re particularly reactive) tacos and burritos at my desk, to the point that for a while I was basically getting free meals to keep the “refinery” fueled.

So finally, near the end of the quarter, our Jar of Farts is ready for delivery… and it disappears from my locker in the computer lab, only to turn up in Stinkerbelle’s office, next up in her pungent “playlist”–and my little daVinci of Disgusting left the entire Adjunct/Temp building uninhabitable for three days, with fragrance lingering for a few weeks after even with it airing out. (When I started collecting, the jar was full of water; when sealed for the last time it was bone-dry inside, packed full of concentrated organic methane.) And *that* turned out to be the straw that broke the camel’s back for her career on that campus… one of the hardest things I’ve ever done was keeping a straight face when staff started coming up and thanking me for “I have no idea what”. In retrospect, I wish I’d had a camera set up to catch The Big Stink… getting hit with an entire quarter’s worth of arse-blast straight up the nose all at once must have been a real Kodak Moment. Score one for the good guys!

So, that’s my Greatest Hit… anybody else have any amusing ones to tell?

 

This Week In History

  • Sunday, 5/20: Battle of Barren Hill (Penn.), 1778; Strauss & Davis patent blue jeans, 1873; Lindbergh takes off for Paris, 1927
  • Monday, 5/21: Proslavery teerrorists burn Lawrence (Kans.), 1856; siege of Port Hudson, 1863; Conn. enacts first speed limits,  1901
  • Tuesday, 5/22: Great Emigration to Oregon begins, 1843; Brooks assaults Sumner in halls of Congress, 1856; Anglo-American airstrikes systematically cripple Nazi rail lines, 1944
  • Wednesday, 5/23: SC ratifies Constitution, 1788; Curley, last man to see 7th Cav alive, buried at Little Bighorn, 1923; Bonnie & Clyde put down, 1934 (BONUS for the girlfriend: RCMP forerunner North-West Mounted Police established, 1873)
  • Thursday, 5/24: “Mary Had A Little Lamb” published, 1830; Morse sends first telegram, 1844; Scott Carpenter’s Aurora 7 spaceflight, 1962
  • Friday, 5/25: Constitutional Convention assembles quorum, 1787; “Atomic Annie” nuke cannon’s only test, 1953; Star Wars released, 1977
  • Saturday, 5/26: Dred Scott emancipated, 1857; Dow Jones Industrial Average first published, 1896; Apollo 10 splahdown after moon-mission “full dress rehearsal,” 1969

Today’s Birthdays: Bridgebuilder James B. Eads, 1820; soldier-statesman Ambrose Burnside, 1824; airman-engineer Otto Lilienthal, 1848; Corningware inventor S. Donald Stookey, 1915; actor and game-show host Drew Carey, 1958.

Holidays Around the World: Germany observes Constitution Day, Mexico has Students’ Day and Jamaica celebrates Labour Day. It’s also World Turtle Day.

This Week In History is compiled with assistance from History.com and Wikipedia. Something interesting not listed here? Please share in the Comments section–this is an Audience Participation Encouraged featurette.

 

Gratuitous Gun Giveaways

*Note: FMG Publishing giveaways require you to provide an FFL dealer’s info at entry. Aero Precision and Primary Arms giveaways give me one entry each per person who uses my referral link.

 

Public Service Announcement for “Sanctuary State” Residents
If you would like to report illegal aliens, please call Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) at 1-866-DHS-2ICE (347-2423). They will need to know names, locations (either work place or residence) and any other specific information you can provide. Visit http://www.ice.gov for more information.

 

Quote of the Day

To know what you prefer instead of humbly saying Amen to what the world tells you you ought to prefer, is to have kept your soul alive.–Robert Louis Stevenson

 

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By WarX, edited by Manuel Strehl (Own work) [GFDL (http://www.gnu.org/copyleft/fdl.html) or CC-BY-SA-3.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0/)], via Wikimedia Commons
(Image by WarX, edited by Manuel Strehl at Wikimedia; used under Creative Commons Attribution license)