The Trump Acceptance Speech I'd Like to Hear

The Trump Acceptance Speech I'd Like to Hear
AP Photo/Evan Vucci

(Real applause from real people really present)

Trump:  Thank you.  Thank you, all.  I am here to accept the nomination of the Republican Party to be your candidate for President of the United States.  (Applause, claps, hooting and hollering).

Before I begin, did anyone stay awake through the DNC convention?  (Boos and hooting and hollering)  Well, like their candidate, you didn’t miss too much.  Their message seems to be that anyone who votes for me is bad… you’re a racist or bigot or something… and that Sleepy Joe is sentient.  (Laughs)  Let’s see…who did they trot out there?  Oh yes, Bill Clinton who lectured me on Oval Office decorum.  I like Bill… I really do.  Met him many times.  But he knows I do not smoke cigars and even if I did, I would actually smoke the cigar.

Then there was this year’s John Kerry- Kamala Harris who believed Tara Reade before she didn’t believe Tara Reade.  Boy…what a piece of work Harris is.  I can’t wait for her to debate our great Vice President, Mike Pence (applause).  I know what some of you are thinking.  Who am I to say something about Joe Biden and Tara Reade… Stormy Daniels and all that.  Right?  This guy knows what I’m talking about (points to someone in the real audience).  Wait…wait… there’s a big difference.  Stormy Daniels got $130,000 out of the deal.  Tara Reade got the finger!  (applause and laughter)

There was Colin Powell there too.  He said that Joe Biden would make the world safer with Biden as President, that our prestige in the world would be higher with Biden (boos).  Let’s see… how many ambassadors were killed on my watch?  How many embassies were attacked?  How many videos of beheadings from ISIS have occurred since 2017?  Unlike Sleepy Joe who couldn’t bring himself to kill bin-Laden, how many terrorists have I taken out?  And I didn’t have to use 50 drone strikes a month to do it (fact checkers spring into action).

And who can forget Cindy McCain, the wife of a loser like John McCain.  You know how I know John McCain was a loser?  He lost to a bigger loser in 2008 (applause, standing ovation). That makes him a loooooooser!  Who else?  (leans on podium)  Who else?  Speaking of losers, how about that John Kasich presentation from the middle of…what was it?  A corn field in Ohio?  He got it half right- we are at a crossroads.  Do you want an America that is economically vibrant where people of all colors can make more money, send kids to the schools of their choice, rest assured that when their daughters go to a public bathroom there are other girls-not boys- in that restroom, and where the sanctity of human life is respected not in words, but actions?

Or do you want the America of Portland…and Seattle…and Chicago… and New York City?  Do you want a world where we listen to pimple-faced kids like David Hogg and Greta Thunberg?  Do you want to destroy our energy infrastructure while surrendering your guns?   (Chants of “NO!”)  Yes, John Kasich, we are at a crossroads… you got that right.

Who else?  That’s right…that loser Sally Yates.  This bozo fears for the Justice Department.  I know it’s not the Justice Department… and I doubt Joe Biden remembers, but I got two words for Sally Yates: Lois Lerner  (boos).  I’ve got three more words for Sally Yates… Fast And Furious.  I got two more words for Sally Yates (long pause)…. no, I won’t go there.

Then they had the wicked witch of the East (laughter)… Hildebeast as a speaker.  Honey… you got Chardonnay brain freeze or something.  For her, I’ve got two words (long pause and laughter),,, no…no…it’s not what you’re thinking.  The two words are: YOU…LOST!  (Applause and standing ovation to chants of “lock her up”).  No…no… we’re not going to lock her up.  We need to keep her around for comic relief (giggles and applause).

A thought just occurred to me (uh-oh!  he’s going off script).  I wonder what Willie Brown is thinking right now….  never mind  (laughter and applause).  And who can’t forget Barack Obama’s speech?  They love this guy.  Between him and his wife… I don’t know who the fake news likes more.  I mean… I don’t understand it.  Michelle Obama, in the infamous words of Lloyd Bentsen, “you aren’t no Stormy Daniels.”  In so many minutes, she managed to accuse my administration of every crime and transgression of her husband’s administration.  Honey, you need counseling.  Actually, I kinda thought Sleepy Joe might consider her as a running mate (Chants of “NO!”).  But then I realized, she might actually eat at Joes’s… I mean, actually eat Joe (fact checkers determine Michelle Obama never actually ate a human).

America: you have a choice in November.  Do you want that clown show known as the Democrat Party running things?  Do you want to be shuttered indefinitely in your homes unable to see a movie, work out at a gym, eat at a restaurant indoors, and have it mandatory you wear a mask for the rest of your lives?  Do you want to see your grandmother or mother confined to a nursing home amidst a pandemic knowing you are sentencing her to her death?  Do you want faceless thugs deciding how much money your police department gets?  Do you want people like Nancy Pelosi, Crying Chuck Schumer, and Sleepy Joe Biden or Kamala Harris (mumbles “whore”) (deliberately mispronounces her name.  Fact checkers determine Trump is a racist) running the country?

I would like to say that I humbly accept the nomination of the Republican Party for President of the great United States of America, but I won’t because, you know me… I’m not humble.  BUT… I do accept the nomination and with your help- real Americans who love this country… not the lemmings of the Left- we will keep America great.  It’s in your hands, feet and minds of America.  Come on, man… you gotta admit these last four years have been kinda fun.  And that, my fellow Americans, is no malarkey!  (Applause, standing ovation, chants of “four more years” as balloons drop to the strains of “Happy Days Are Here Again”).

Special ending note:  the estates of Milton Ager (music) and Jack Yellen (lyrics) entered court to seek an injunction against Trump using “Happy Days Are Here Again” at future political rallies.

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