The big news from day 2 of the DNC virtual convention is some sad news. Michelle Obama met up with John Kasich whereupon she ate the former Ohio governor whose father was a postal worker and where, gee…gosh golly…in Ohio…Democrats really have no need for self-described “Republicans at heart.” R.I.P, John Kasich, in the belly of the beast. The big takeaways from day 2?
Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, the horse-toothed socialist from the Bronx got get her 15 minutes…er, 10 minutes…er, 5 minutes of fame? Nope- not even. A 60-second, as in one minute, recorded message where she nominated Bernie Sanders while harping on her pet peeves- namely, America.
There were technical difficulties when Georgia governor Stacey Abrams could not fit her entire girth in the camera lens. Reliable sources informed me we did not miss anything.
Bill Clinton addressed the convention as only Bill Clinton could: from a tropical island with several bikini-clad underage girls frolicking topless in the background. His performance last night gave a whole new meaning to the phrase “Democrat lovefest.” Conspicuously absent was his wife, Hillary, who was back in Chappaqua downing a box container of cheap Chardonnay as she prepares for her speech tomorrow night.
Jill Biden gave a rambling endorsement to her husband by noting that Joe is learning to clean up the oatmeal that dribbles from his mouth without much aid now. Although the former Second Lady still cannot understand a word he says, she insists he will be fine when he reads his two word acceptance speech on Thursday. Said Dr. Jill:
There are times when I couldn’t imagine how he did it—how he put one foot in front of the other and kept going. But I’ve always understood why he did it…He does it for you…How do you make a broken family whole? The same way you make a nation whole. With love and understanding—and with small acts of compassion. With bravery. With unwavering faith. And with Joe as President, I promise he will suck the fingers of every female in America and smell the hair of every little white girl and let every little black boy rub the hairs on his legs. Some people think that is creepy. I say it is just Joe! (virtual applause)
The keynote address was given by 17 young Democrats on split screen including David Hogg, Greta Thunberg, Shaun King, and the titular head of antifa, known only as “V.”
The ghost of John McCain made a surprise video touting his 30-year friendship with Joe Biden while assuring the candidate that Hell is not as bad as it is thought to be and hopes Joe will be joining him soon.
Well, that’s it for the highlights from the boring Infomercial known as the DNC Convention held in virtual Milwaukee. DNC operatives said viewership was up to 1,068 people from Monday night’s total of 1,042, including journalists forced to watch it.
Day 3 will feature such Democrat luminaries as Barack Obama whose presidency was the most scandal-free in history, Elizabeth Warren who will appear from an Indian reservation casino, Nancy Pelosi who we were assured the robotics factory worked out all the bugs (they hid the alcohol from her and secured her dentures), Hillary Clinton who will cite reason #267 why she lost in 2016, and Kamala Harris who will appear alongside (or, under/on top of) Willie Brown.