In the News, or How I Think It Should Go- Episode 1

In the News, or How I Think It Should Go- Episode 1
AP Photo/Evan Vucci

A lot has happened in the news recently, so here it is:

In response to recent protests in major cities across the country over the death of George Floyd, there have been sweeping police reforms instituted.  In places like New York, Los Angeles, Chicago, San Francisco, Seattle and Portland, police will no longer respond to 911 calls and the dispatcher will send out a social worker instead.  When asked about possibly encountering a dangerous situation, the mayors responded they would be well-armed with a clipboard, five pieces of paper and three paper clips.  Joe Biden endorsed the program and promised to institute it on a national level saying that former attorney general Janet Reno would be placed in charge of it.

Speaking of Biden, he has agreed to three debates with President Trump.  One of the proposed sites- the University of Michigan- pulled out of the running to host one of the debates.  Instead, it was announced that the debate will be held on the wildly popular Phoenix University online campus sometime in the fall.

Speaking of Trump, although his recent rally in Tulsa failed to produce the huge in-person attendance he is used to, Brad Parscale, a Trump campaign official announced that an estimated 1.8 billion people tuned in either online or on television to watch the rally.  During the rally, Trump unveiled his new nickname for Biden, dropping the “Sleepy Joe” moniker.  Henceforth, Biden will be known as the Senile Stalin.

It was revealed this week that protesters in Seattle had to change the name of their new country from CHOP (which would really be CHOOOP) to CHAZ.  But several people with the name “Charles” went to district court claiming nickname infringement in a case now pending.  Likewise, an attempt to establish a CHOP (or CHOOOP) in the City of Brotherly Love, protesters had to change their name after causing confusion with the world-renowned Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia (CHOP).  Henceforth, the Philadelphia “autonomous zone” will be known as Sity [sic] To Undo Progress In Democracy (or STUPID).

Meanwhile, protesters across America have targeted statues of figures from the past.  Not mentioned is their coordinated attack on defacing statues of the iconic Ronald McDonald character at several fast food chain restaurants.  Shaun King, who suffers from Rachel Dolezal syndrome, said it is long past due to take down these monuments to “white, patriarchal, capitalist heroes”… right after every stained glass depiction of Jesus in a church is broken.  In a Milwaukee McDonald’s, several pasty, milky white clowns with red afros prevented antifa protesters from destroying a statue.

In related news, several online activists have taken to highlighting the obvious racism of clowns.  Said Missy Walsh, the leader of the campaign: “It is long past due that clowns stop appearing in white face.”  The National Association of Clowns immediately responded by noting on their website that they support Black Lives Matter backed by somber piano music normally reserved for coronavirus commercials.

Microsoft was forced to take down a commercial about online medicine where the screen is split into four with doctors talking to the listener through a Microsoft product.  Of particular interest was the doctor in the upper righthand corner wearing a mask to talk to the computer screen.  Dr. Anthony Fauci announced that after an extensive study by the NIH and CDC, they definitely determined that computers do not spread of the disease, and in either case, the computer was wearing a mask.

The coronavirus is back in the news as President Trump has ordered a cessation of all testing in the United States stating, “We gotta allow Spain time to catch up to us.”  He went further when he ordered that two-thirds of all death certificates ascribing the cause of death as “the coronavirus” to be changed to “terminal halitosis.”

The FDA announced that using too much hand sanitizer in response to the coronavirus could cause side effects like the skin on your fingers falling off.  Instead, they suggest kneading dough or ground beef with bare hands for at least 30 seconds, and then cooking the dough or ground beef at a minimum temperature of 145 degrees.

The Supreme Court, in a surprise 5-4 decision with Chief Justice John Roberts siding with the liberal wing, announced that a California law mandating that at least one child of a married couple of two or more children must be transgender was constitutional.  Citing the Supreme Court justice’s wearing dresses, Roberts, who wrote the majority opinion, said the law “simply reflected the little bit of the opposite sex in all of us.”  This followed on another blockbuster case where Roberts ruled that President Trump must not only turn over his financial records going back ten years to Congressional and other investigators, but must also submit to a rectal examination by both Congress and the Southern District of New York.  Trump, reacting to the news, summoned forth his best Andrew Jackson and said, “They made their decision…now let them probe anally.”

Check it out next week…same time, same channel.

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