Diary

A Recent News Parody to Take Your Mind Off Riots and Lockdowns

@KatieDaviscourt

It is good to see that at least one country in Europe still has some balls.  Hungary recently passed an actual law that makes it legally impossible to change one’s gender.  What you are born with is what you are, the sane and great people of Hungary have declared!  The bill further states a biological truism: “completely changing one’s biological sex is impossible.”  Seriously…the law actually says that!  Of course, the nay-sayers and science deniers are screaming bloody murder, characterizing the law as “earth-shattering” and “extreme” likely to result in violence against Hungary’s incredibly minuscule transgender population which suddenly just got even smaller.

Although the continent of Africa has been largely spared the dreaded coronavirus, leaders in what passes for a government in South Africa are taking no chances.  Dr. Ungabunga of the South African equivalent of the CDC has announced guidelines in the sale of clothing items.  Determining that the virus enters the body through exposed bicep muscles, the sale of T-shirts has been banned, but not long sleeve shirts.  Also, the doctor explained that Dr. Bonafidewitchdoctor, a noted South African microbiologist, has confirmed that the virus could be spread through toes, so the sale of flip flops has also been banned.  President Booogaboogabooga of the ruling Zulu tribe announced the guidelines by loudly pounding drums through loudspeakers.  The people of the country are complying with the order provided the sale of one-way tickets out of South Africa are not banned.

Joe Biden has stepped in it again.  During one of his informative podcasts, his babbling was momentarily interrupted when a flock of geese in his yard started honking very loudly.  Biden laughed it off as a flock of Canadian geese which set off a firestorm on Twitter.  Sleepy Joe was unaware that referring to the geese as “Canadian” was a racial slur.  The NAACP- National Association for the Advancement of Canadian People- issued a strongly worded condemnation.  Biden issued an apology but noted that if one didn’t vote for him, then they weren’t Canadian.  It was later revealed that his Secret Service detail imported the geese to his property to cover the sound of Biden soiling his diaper.

It was confirmed this week that God has a real passive-aggressive streak in Him.  This was brought to light when the fine citizens of Mentemorelos, Mexico experienced a miracle when spiked hailstones fell from the heavens.  The people interpreted this as a sign from God to remain inside to avoid catching the coronavirus since the spiked hailstones were the spitting image of the virus.  Wouldn’t it be less time-consuming for God to simply part the clouds and yell in that booming voice of His to “Stay home!”  Of course, it would be less time-consuming if He didn’t create the virus in the first place.  Instead, He is left dropping little clues about his displeasure with humanity like a 1980s serial killer.

Well, Nancy Pelosi whose face is stretched beyond belief and likely is punctuated with so many botox needle marks it makes her a human pin cushion had the nerve to refer to President Trump as “morbidly obese.”  Trump responded by calling her a sick woman with lots of mental problems.  Pelosi then shot back that Trump was just being sensitive and mocked the hypocrisy since Trump constantly fat-shames people.  Trump upped the ante by calling Pelosi an “ugly ignorant slut” in a late night Twitter rant and Pelosi responded by drafting articles of impeachment against Trump accusing him of abuse of power.  The articles of impeachment were passed in the House along partisan lines and it was announced that Maxine Waters, Frederica Wilson, and Sheila Jackson Lee, all of whom are considered the most hideous looking creatures in Congress, will be the floor managers in the upcoming Senate trial given their collective IQ of 76.

Love and Hip Hop: Atlanta is a reality television show on the BET network because no real network will carry it.  One of the stars is Maurice Fayne, a/k/a “Arkansas Mo.”  The show follows the trial and tribulations, the struggles and triumphs of being vain, dumb, and sporting really silly names all while being surrounded by white racists.  Recently, Arkansas Mo applied for a $3.7 million SBA loan to keep his trucking business afloat during the coronavirus scaredemic, but the government reduced the amount to $2 million because, as Mo said, the government be racist.  The racist government got the last laugh, however, when they learned he used the loan to purchase a new Rolls Royce and at least $200,000 in gold jewelry and arrested him.  This clearly shows the government is racist since first they put them in chains and now they won’t let them wear gold chains.

PS- all of these stories are based on true events: Hungary did pass a law, South Africa did ban the sale of T-shirts and flip-flops, Biden’s podcast was interrupted by geese, Pelosi and Trump got into a Twitter spat, and Mo was arrested for misusing an SBA loan.  Oh- and spiky looking hail did fall in Mexico.