Trigger warning: The content of this article is intended to be satirical with whiffs of truth.
Well, it was too good to last. At a campaign stop in Ansonville, North Carolina (pop. 631) Robert F. O’Rourke was greeted by a crowd of 12 people at the town’s small library. Jumping on a table, the antique’s legs gave way causing injuries to four people sitting nearby. Mabel Grandy, one of the injured most seriously, was rushed to a hospital while three others were treated at the scene. O’Rourke denied the accident ever happened.
Barron Trump’s confirmation to the Supreme Court hit another snag when TMZ obtained footage of Trump throwing what appears to be a snowball at a classmate when he was in second grade. Kamala Harris and Corey Booker held a joint news conference to denounce the young Trump’s actions declaring it “bullying.” Said Harris: “Right there in the Constitution, it says ‘no bully’ can be appointed to the Supreme Court.”
Meanwhile, Barron’s pigtail accuser has stepped forward. The young girl- identified as Monica Paula Ford- held back tears as she recounted how Barron, then age 5, pulled her pigtail while they built a block castle. Flanked by her lawyer, Gloria Allred, Allysa Milano, Corey Booker and Kamala Harris, she read a brief statement and refused to take any questions. Allred, asked why this was not reported at the time, responded: “There are too many young girls traumatized every day by pigtail pulling. Ms. Ford epitomizes the fear these girls have to live with which is why I support the #NotMyPigtails movement sweeping this nation…”
We have another candidate in the mix as Massachusetts representative Seth Moulton was seen filming a campaign commercial. Moulton, who may be the first “Seth” to ever announce a candidacy was overheard reciting his campaign slogan: “The Revenge of Seth” As he officially entered the race, it brings the number of candidates to a whopping 289.
Bernie Sanders made an appearance before a meeting of the Young Socialists Club (the entire student body of Columbia University). During the audience Q&A session, he was asked why he sported a Band-aid on his forehead. He explained that he was working out at Harry Reid’s home and that the arm stretching device detached from a glass shower door and opened a 6-stitch gash on his forehead. The evening was not without its scarier moments also. During an impassioned call for his Medicare for all proposal, his dentures came out of his mouth and remained chattering on the dais for several minutes before he had to excuse himself so aids could provide him an extra set of dentures.
Eric Swalwell decried the recent roll-out of the Mueller report and called for the resignation of Attorney General William Barr. Claiming Barr has lost all credibility with the American public, the American public responded, “Eric who?”
Meanwhile, Tim Ryan who recently entered the race, declared that “third trimester abortions are not an issue.” He later clarified the statement saying: “I meant to say, third trimester abortions should not be an issue only for black babies in Ohio.”