Promoted from the diaries by streiff. Promotion does not imply endorsement.
In a continuing service to Redstate readers, this writer has compiled a compendium of events in which 2020 Democratic hopefuls have appeared as they begin to stake out their positions in the upcoming primaries.
Julian Castro, the former Obama administration official, was in San Antonio where he addressed the Illegal Latino Forum. Stressing that they were the backbone of America, peaceful and lawful, the confab at the Marriot Hotel was shortened when 200 ICE agents appeared and arrested the entire audience. Castro tried to block the agents and was himself arrested for assisting in resisting arrest. However, he immediately posted bail after calling Beto O’Rourke who called his in-laws who immediately accessed their bank account.
Speaking of O’Rourke, he made appearances in two states- Iowa and South Carolina. Both states are early in the primary calendar. Speaking before an all-white audience at Flo’s Eatery in Coon Rapids, Iowa (pop. 1,305) O’Rourke reiterated that he was against slavery reparations for African-Americans. He then jetted off for an appearance at a laundromat in Greenville, South Carolina where he told an all-black audience that he was, of course, totally behind slavery reparations for African-Americans. He even did his part by giving one elderly black woman two quarters when it was discovered the change machine ran out of quarters. He noted: “This is the inherent racism many white fourth generation Irish-Americans are unaware of that happen in laundromats throughout the country on a daily basis.”
Bernie Sanders prepared for an upcoming Fox News town hall by visiting a Walmart in New York state. At the self-checkout line, he attempted to lecture the scanner that it was entitled to a wage of at least $15 an hour and that even that amount was not a “livable wage.” The scanner stared impassively at Sanders not seeming to understand what he was saying and instead insisting that he swipe his card or insert cash.
Former Congressman John Delaney managed to get some exposure and airtime on Fox News of all places. Upon his exit from the New York studio, he was greeted by an unidentified Latina politician from the Bronx who was holding a baseball bat in a menacing fashion. Security immediately escorted Delaney to his waiting taxi.
With a break in the Senate calendar, Kamala Harris flew off to California where she stayed at the San Francisco Marriot where no event was taking place and appeared with disheveled hair and one high high heel missing as she checked out. One reporter covering her visit noted that former San Francisco mayor Willie Brown had left the same hotel about one hour later.
Former South Bend, Indiana mayor Pete Buttigieg visited several nightclubs and bath houses in Chicago seeking donations for his campaign from wealthy homosexual donors.
John Hicklenhooper… meh…nobody cares about him.
New Jersey Senator and known gladiator Corey Booker officially, officially, really officially kicked off his campaign in Newark, New Jersey appearing with his mother on stage. He was introduced by long-time friend, T-Bone, who looked a lot like Corey Booker! Booker and his mother appeared on stage both regaled in gladiator costumes complete with swords and scabbards. As the temperature reached 70 degrees, Booker was later spotted delivering Pampers to a sheltered mother in a blinding snowstorm.
Joe Biden was ensconced in his home searching for speeches to plagiarize. He has gathered an extensive network of researchers to search out speeches no one has likely ever heard of so that he cannot be accused of plagiarism in the future. Things apparently got kind of weird when an unidentified Latina politician from the Bronx showed up and Biden asked what that good-smelling shampoo was that she used. For the record, it is Pantene rosemary shampoo.
Elizabeth Warren was spotted at the Mohegan Sun casino in Connecticut trying to reach out to Native American donors to support her campaign. She left soon thereafter when she realized most of the patrons were actually Caucasian. She did, however, find one slot player who was 1/256th Algonquin.
Andrew Yang made a splash at the Coachella Festival in California where he unexpectedly showed up and immediately began throwing $100 bills from the stage asking the throngs to vote for him because he “had more where that came from.” Things turned ugly when an unidentified Latina politician from the Bronx appeared and urged the crowd to burn the $100 bills because she could always just print more money. Two local fire companies were dispatched to put out the ensuing bonfires.
Back to Bernie in New York where he was practicing with aids for his upcoming town hall on Fox. Aids became worried when they began to run out of towels to clean the speckles of spit from the corner of his mouth. Thankfully, room service diverted towels from the 18th floor of the Marriot where Sanders was staying. Patrons on the 18th floor later complained to hotel management about the lack of towels.
Amy Klobuchar decided to spend the week in Washington poring over pending legislation which is the job of office aids. She reportedly flung a binder at one aid opening an 8-stitch gash because the the 1-page document was not numbered. Harry Reid called to tell her to just say the aid walked into a glass shower door. She was later spotted at a SaladWorks on K-Street where she demanded to know why there were no combs with the cutlery.
After leaving South Carolina, O’Rourke returned to El Paso where he jumped on a lunch counter in an eatery patronized by the growing illegal immigrant population. He seemed to grow impatient with the crowd and could not understand why they did not understand Gaelic. To make his point, he flung his hand striking an illegal immigrant in the eye, getting a spoon he was holding for emphasis stuck in the poor guy’s left eye. EMTs responded and transported the victim to the hospital. A hospital spokesman reported he is resting and doing fine, but will be blind in his left eye. O’Rourke called his in-laws who accessed their bank account and paid the illegal immigrant’s hospital bill in full.
Meanwhile, Kirsten Gillibrand gave the keynote speech at the New York LGBTQATsRZL(again)XYZ++ annual dinner where she was awarded the prestigious Lily White People Fighting for the Gay Rights of People of Color Award. In attendance were an unidentified Latina politician from the Bronx who served the faithful drinks behind the bar, a Somali-born politician from Minnesota who received an award for Defending the Rights of Muslim Women Through Imposition of Sharia Law Award, and another Palestinian politician from Michigan. The latter caused some scary moments when New York firemen were called to remove her lips that became somehow stuck to the wall. Sporting a band-aid afterwards, Ms. Tlaib thanked Allah for the jaws of life rescuing her lips.
Finally, Democrats everywhere are playing a new game which is a take on the popular children’s show “Where In the World Is Carmen San Diego?” called “Where in the world is Tulsi Gabbard?” There are unsubstantiated rumors she is following her dreams in that elusive search for the perfect wave.
That’s it for now. Join me in the future for more excitement from the campaign trail.