The seven best tidbits from the past week found after lifting every rock and searching every nook and cranny of the Internet cesspool.
I’M PICKING UP GOOD VIBRATIONS…
No, this is not an ode to the Beach Boys, but to “Teen Vogue,” a magazine dedicated to, as the title suggests, teens. In their latest back to school best buy of supplies edition right there among notebook and backpack deals is a suggestion for a vibrator…er, personal massager. Lest anyone suggest otherwise, the magazine suggests it is the best way to “let off steam with zero risk of STIs.” They also suggest the best lubricants and condoms.
Then again, this was the same rag that suggested the do’s and don’ts of proper anal sex… for teens. That article had this memorable line:
“I want to personally assure you that you will not poop on anyone during anal sex. Sure, there are horror stories, but aren’t there always?”
As that famous Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young song says, “Teach your children well…”
THE SON OF A PREACHER MAN
A new series, called “Preacher,” debuted on AMC. After some supernatural event occurs at a church, a priest enlists the aid of a vampire. But that isn’t even where the train went off the rails. In one scene, Jesus is depicted having sex with a married woman on the night he is betrayed. After various positions, the callous Christ tells her he has to “do something for my father.”
Jesus’ modern day progeny is later depicted as an inbred person with a mental handicap. Who happens to get his jollies by urinating on people. So in one episode, Jesus is depicted as a sexual stud on the night he is betrayed and his modern counterpart is an inbred retard with a bladder control problem.
Yet, the world is still waiting for that epic motion picture- “The Life and Times of Mohammed.”
THE NIGHT THEY DROVE OLE DIXIE DOWN, OR DRIVING DOWN A BRITISH ICON…BECAUSE
Taking down statues is all the rage these days as apparently bronze, copper and mortar depictions of dead people somehow trigger horrible recollections in the minds of people long removed from the alleged evils these people were associated with. But take heart America; you are not alone.
There is a movement afoot in England where SJW there appear emboldened by actions here. To wit, there is now an effort to remove the iconic statue of Horatio Nelson from Trafalgar Square because of, you know… colonialism and the Atlantic slave trade and all those other 17th-19th century historical facts. Last year, some woke people at Oxford University demanded the removal of a statue of Cecil Rhodes.
One has to question why there has been no movement to remove statues of Mohammed? Oh yeah…that’s right.
CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS DISCOVERED WHAT?, OR YET ANOTHER UNFORTUNATE SARAH SILVERMAN SIGHTING
Speaking of history and statues, the increasingly unfunny Sarah Silverman lent her intellectual voice to the controversy by suggesting that we should further do away with Columbus Day. In fact, she called it a “sham holiday” because of indigenous people and all that. This proves once again that stupidity reigns supreme in the minds of your average SJW.
But, this is really old news as statues of Columbus have come under attack recently also. In related news, all statues of Robert E. Lee have reportedly walked off the job.
Trey Parker and Matt Stone announced last month that in the upcoming season of “South Park,” they were going to lay off the Trump stories because they were too easy. My guess is they did not want to be confused with CNN or MSNBC. This is totally unacceptable to some liberals (the same ones who criticized them for their Mohammed episode) saying they MUST do Trump stories because they must educate their audience on the dangers of Trump.
Given reports of a new cartoon series featuring the crime-fighting duo of Barry and Joe, one would think they rather than Stan, Kyle, Eric Cartman, Butters, and the immortal Kenny would do a better job of educating people about the dangers of Trump.
IS IT WORTH IT, LET ME WORK IT…, OR DOWN WITH THE DEAD AND UP WITH THE SKANK
The city of Portsmouth, Virginia is trying to have a Confederate statue- built somewhere between 1876 and 1881- removed to a cemetery because… well, it’s the in thing to do. At least it isn’t being hammered by jobless college student activists. And some are suggesting that a new statue go up in its place- one to black female rapper Missy Elliot. In case you didn’t know who is behind some of this nonsense, change.org has obtained 35,000 petition signatures for the project.
According to “Billboard,” she is the highest selling female rapper of all time. Not to minimize her er, influence in music, but the original racist statue was dedicate to remember the war dead from Portsmouth (oops…that’s right; they were on the wrong side, but no less dead).
Suggestion for the accompanying plaque on the proposed Elliot statue featuring one of her lyrics:
“If you got a big [scratch], let me search it, And find out how hard I gotta work ya. Put the pussy on ya like I told ya, Go downtown and eat it like a vulture.
You gotta love the new culture…
WE SHALL OVERCOME, OR THE CONTINUING SAGA OF AN OUT OF WORK NFL QUARTERBACK
You gotta feel for former San Francisco quarterback Colin Kaepernick. First, he has to endure that very white last name. Second, he grew all that extra padding on his head hoping he would find a job with a new team. And third, it seems no team is really interested in signing him and wishing all that publicity upon themselves.
I mean, the guy has a right to express himself by not standing for the National Anthem. This is still America that guarantees that right- an America he insults every time he expresses himself. And fans have a right to disagree or even dislike him. And teams have a right to sign whoever they want to play quarterback.
But not so say some activists who took to the streets of New York and marched on NFL headquarters. To some, Kaepernick is being whitelisted (this writer wouldn’t want to be accused of racism for using the term blacklisted). Among the marchers was none other than actress Susan Sarandon who obviously checked her white privilege at the door in an attempt to prove to the world she’s still alive. And like any woke celebrity, she showed her support through Twitter and a selfie marching with other marchers. In other words, another sad example of self-promotion.