Breaking News: Secret Federal Grand Jury Decides in Trump's Favor

A secret grand jury panel in Arlington, Virginia formed at the insistence of Special Prosecutor Robert Mueller in broad-ranging investigation into alleged collusion between the Trump campaign and Russia has released the first of their findings.  In a statement released at 6:30 PM this evening, a spokesman for the investigation announced the findings:

This afternoon, a grand jury in Arlington, Virginia empaneled by the investigation led by Robert Mueller handed down a decision in the Trump-Russia collusion probe.

A jury of 12 men and 8 women, eight of whom were African-American, have unanimously determined that President Donald J. Trump was in no way responsible for, nor did he lend any support to, the outbreak of the American Civil War.  The grand jury further determined that President Vladimir Putin of Russia, nor any agency associated with his government, was in any way responsible for the American Civil War.

The decision by the grand jury went even further.  Thirty-four anonymous sources of the Washington Post and the New York Times state that the decision, still under seal, also notes that neither Trump nor Putin were involved in the construction or erection of statues of Confederate generals and leaders.

A spokesman for the Southern Poverty Law Center also weighed in shortly after the announcement:

Although we have not seen this grand jury decision, we are confident that this is yet another example of the hatred and bigotry in the South.  Arlington, after all, is in Virginia.  Need we say more?

CNN and MSNBC interrupted their regular programming to announce the findings.  Don Lemon at CNN called it “simply disgusting.”  Joy Reid at MSNBC said: “This simply proves that institutional racism is still a thing in the South.  Maybe those Johnson and Grant guys should have left them out of the Union.”

Maxine Waters has announced a candlelight vigil to be attended by the Congressional Black Caucus outside the courthouse in Arlington later tonight.


NOTE: Meant to be satirical, but I am surprised no one has drawn a Russian connection to the events in Charlottesville, Virginia… yet.

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