Normally, I would publish this feature of absurdity on Tuesdays, but being that tomorrow is Independence Day, I’m taking the day off to barbecue (weather permitting) and catch some fireworks (weather permitting).  So here we go…

MAKING A HAIRY STATEMENT

According to one marketing research firm, about 25% of all American females are growing armpit hair.  But, that alone is not enough to make you the most woke among the statement makers in the SJW crowd.

According to Cosmopolitan- that great magazine of sex and grooming advice (although most of the advice seems targeted at sexual deviants)- if you really, really, really want to make a statement, dye your armpit hair the colors of the rainbow.

They even suggest that if you are in the 75% of normal women who still think armpit hairy is nasty, gross, and smelly that you can paint the colors in your armpit.

What this is supposed to represent or further is never really noted other than women with too much time on their hands dying underarm hair.

SPEAKING OF PEOPLE WITH TOO MUCH TIME ON THEIR HANDS AND IN NEED OF A REAL JOB…

I present the case of Jade Greear, social justice blogger for the Huffington Post.  She has retired the oh-so-2016 phrase “mansplaining” in favor of the the more 2017 “whitesplaining.”  Explains, Ms. Greear, all of 19 years old:

Have you ever had an experience where someone is explaining to you, in a patronizing way, something you actually already know quite a lot about? Possibly about your own life experiences as an African American or Latino? That is whitesplaining—to explain or comment on something in a condescending, overconfident, and often inaccurate or oversimplified manner, from the perspective of the group one identifies with, thereby clearly exhibiting their own bias… Whitesplaining perpetuates white privilege, which fuels racism and only serves to erode the progress we have made in the fight for racial equality in America.

So… if you sympathize with some minority or support them and you are the wrong color (i.e., white), you are wrong.  And if you disagree with the minority, you are wrong.

Geez… white folk can’t get any breaks these days.

GET (THE HELL) OUT (OF HERE)…

Remember that box office hit “Get Out?”  It is about how a white family, through hypnotherapy and brain surgery, transplant the brains of old white people into black people.  The movie grossed over $175 million and was a sleeper hit.  So much so that it has now entered the culture wars!

Zadie Smith is a novelist known for her debut novel, “White Teeth.”  She even had lunch with Obama!  Seems that Ms. Smith has some deep analysis of “Get Out!”  Said the budding literary force:

Jordan Peele’s horror-fantasy—in which we are inside one another’s skin and intimately involved in one another’s suffering—is neither a horror nor a fantasy. It is a fact of our experience.

The real fantasy is that we can get out of one another’s way, make a clean cut between black and white, a final cathartic separation between us and them.

In this moment of resurgent black consciousness, God knows it feels good—therapeutic!—to mark a clear separation from white America, the better to speak in a collective voice. We will not be moved. We can’t breathe. We will not be executed for traffic violations or for the wearing of hoodies. We will no longer tolerate substandard schools, housing, health care.

So we jump from some horror/fantasy/comedy/blockbuster movie to hoodies and traffic stops.  And education!  And housing!!  And health care!!!

It’s time for Ms. Smith to hunker down in some remote town like Cabot Cove, Maine and write a new novel instead of pontificating.  Having spent the $11.50 to see the movie, this writer thought it was a comedy.  Unfortunately, there are too many people out there who see more than is necessary in a bad movie.

DEMOCRATIC PARTY CREATES POSITION ON HOW TO AVOID DOUCHEBAGGERY

The Democratic Party knows that people basically don’t like them.   So in an effort not to appear too smug and appeal to voters their party is shedding like flies- namely, white, working class, rural voters- they have created a new position:  Chairman of heartland engagement.

And who is the chairman…er, chairperson?  Cheri Bustos of the Illinois 17th District which happens to be 73% urban according to the Census Department.  Incidentally, Trump was the first Republican to win the 17th district since 2000.  According to an April Gallup poll, 67% of Americans said the Democratic Party was out of touch with everyday people- you know: the schlubs who cling to their guns and Bibles.  That number for the Democrats is actually worse than the numbers for Trump by nine points!  Way to go, Democrats.

THE BIZARRE TRUTH REVEALED: KAREN HANDEL IS NOT REALLY A WOMAN (SO SAY THE FEMINISTS)

According to the Internet feminist warriors, Karen Handel did not strike a blow against the dreaded patriarchy in her special election win in Georgia.  Instead, according to many voices, she is a traitor to her vagina.

Said the ever classy Neera Tanden: “One important lesson is that when they go low, going high doesn’t f$#!ing work.”  Victoria Aveyard chimed in: “friendly reminder Karen Handel is a homophobic bigot and would deny a child a loving home if the adopting parents were gay.”  The increasingly insignificant “comedienne” Sarah Silverman said: “Georgia can show Karen Handel where she can stuff her bigotry.”

And in a screed that would sort of negate the newly anointed chairwoman of heartland outreach, Jill Filipovic suggested: “Maybe instead of trying to convince hateful white people, Dems should convince our base- people of color, women- to turn out.  Cater to them.”

It’s not about women’s rights and shattering glass ceilings and all that.  The fact a woman who happens to have an “R” after her name is what has these harpies salivating with hate.  She is a traitor to the “cause,” but they are proving more and more each day that there really is no “cause” other than to spew hateful rhetoric.

  Incidentally, PP donated $500,000 to the John Ossoff- a/k/a LOSER- campaign.  But they cry about losing federal funding?  That could have been a cool half-million saved right there.

THE ODD SAGA OF BILL “CALL ME JAMES MADISON” DE BLASIO

It seems that New York City mayor Bill deBlasio has stopped killing groundhogs and picked up a copy of “The Federalist Papers” and read it.  Ever since Trump was elected, he’s been lecturing the public on the evils of overreach by the federal government.  Whether it is education, immigration, or climate change, he’s declared that New York City will do what they damn well please despite what the federal government says or does.

Education is particularly near and dear to him as he intends to tax an overtaxed city even more so that he can fund universal Pre-K for three and four-year-old kids.  Under New York law, he has been pushing for a Mayoral Initiative to take education out of the control of the state and federal government, which should make Andrew Cuomo and Betsy De Vos strange bedfellows.

In fact, they’ve revamped their civics education curriculum after realizing, in light of Trump’s election, that voters and future voters are ill-informed and well… stupid.  Except in the case of New York City, that happened way before Trump.  Exhibit A?  The election of deBlasio as mayor.

Isn’t it strange that a socialist like he would be advocating for local control of the school system, education, and curriculum?  Maybe there’s something to this Trump election thing after all…

A CASE OF MISTAKEN IDENTITY?

The very unfunny Leslie Jones- who laughs at her own jokes to let YOU know it was a joke- accused the Ritz-Carlton in LA of being racist.  Although she would not back up her statements with any specifics, this writer has a theory.

Perhaps she registered under the name Leslie Jones and they were expecting a woman to show up.  Then Jones shows up and they take a look and think otherwise.  It wasn’t racism; it was confusion- and justifiable confusion at that.

That’s it for this week.  Have a safe, happy and patriotic Independence Day!