Conspiracy Theories Are For Intellectual Dolts (Including Conservatives)

[TRIGGER WARNING:  This article contains language that some may find “ableist,” such as “idiot,” “moron,” “nutcase,” and “crazy.”]

The Left is long on conspiracy theory usually centered around the phrases “voter suppression,” “gerrymandering,” or “the Koch brothers.”  But alas, “conservatives” are not immune to intellectual abrogation.

In April, 2016 six Wal-Mart stores spread over four states- Texas, Florida, California and Oklahoma- closed their doors over an alleged “plumbing problem.”  NO- they were not pulling a Target and making their bathroom facilities compatible for transgender people.  And NO- remnants of Occupy Wall Street were not dropping big loads backing up the plumbing systems.  Some thought it was because Wal-Mart was preventing the stores from unionizing, which seems reasonable.

Instead, we found the real truth- Operation Jade Helm which took place in the exact same states where these stores closed.  Except for Florida and California, that is.  Oh- and the military exercise also took place in Nevada, Utah, Colorado, New Mexico and Arizona where absolutely NO Wal-Marts closed.  The ostensible reason for Operation Jade Helm proffered by the enlightened dolts on the Right was the stealth imposition of martial law on these regions.  This begs some questions such as: (1) Why these regions?, (2) Why on government-owned land?, (3) Why would the imposition of martial law come with a press release and (4) WTF are these idiots thinking?

Most importantly, why the Wal-Marts?  Some of the more imaginative and resourceful idiots on the Right concluded that the stores would be used for mass incarceration sites.  Thus, it appears that Wal-Mart and the Walton family are in cahoots with the military.  Personally, the OWS refugee blocking toilets with a big number two makes greater sense.

Then consider this little bit of Right Wing lunatic imagination:

hillary logo.jpg.CROP.promovar-mediumlarge.jpg (590×561)

Apparently if you stare at the image long enough, it is not some hideous attempt at an “H” with an arrow pointing forward as in “progress” as in “progressivism.”  Nope!  Instead, this is a subliminal nod to those people out there who still believe that 9/11 was an “inside job.”  The blue vertical bars are the Twin Towers and the horizontal red arrow which taken together coincidentally forms the letter “H” as in “Hillary” is really an airplane striking those Twin Towers.  Again, too much time on one’s hands and a vivid imagination are a dangerous thing.

Remember when the CDC released a statement that boys should be circumcised in order to prevent the spread of AIDS/HIV?  This led to some theorizing on the Right that the Obama administration was coming after America’s penises.  One can hear Patrick Henry now: “Give me my foreskin, or give me death!”  To add “legitimacy” to the theory, none other than the windbag known as Rush Limbaugh jumped on the crazy train and spread the theory.  But, if anyone has the stomach to read it, on page 14,363 tucked away in a section of the Affordable Care Act, it does say, “The Department of Health and Human Services shall be directed to determine that the penis of every male citizen is now to be considered federal property for the purposes of this Act…”  That language was added at the insistence of then-Congressman Anthony Weiner.

Here is a strange coincidence too important to overlook.  There an estimated 47 million Americans who believe in television mind control.  The coincidence?  There are also 47 million Americans who believe the medical community is in collusion with the pharmaceutical community to invent new diseases so that they can make money.  I will admit there may be some truth to the latter one.  For example, have you noticed the number of commercials for drugs that treat things you’ve never heard of before like “Non-24?”  And “restless leg syndrome?”   Of course, it is possible that the pollsters are polling the same 47 million people.

And no discussion of kooky right wing conspiracy theories would be complete without a discussion of chemtrails which is kooky right wing speak for those vapor trails one sees behind an airplane in the sky.  Supposedly, the government is seeding the air with chemicals.  The reasons are varied creating some controversy within the ranks of nutcases.  Some believe they are chemicals released to control the minds of unsuspecting civilians.  Others believe they are the cause of climate change and the government doing this so they can create an environmental catastrophe thus creating the rationale for ushering in the New World Order, or Illuminati in the Sky as I like to call it.  My personal take?  Chemtrails actually are chemicals released in the atmosphere on an unsuspecting population composed of imagination enhancing chemicals.

The point of this article?  There are enough crazy conspiracy theories out there on the Left without the Right resorting to the same.  Or maybe I’m a paid blogger for George Soros trying to throw the reader off the track of the actual truth.  That’s the beauty of conspiracy theory… you just never know.