Why There is Soccer Violence- BOREDOM!!!

{Written as a diversion from all things Trump}

Baseball is a boring game although not as boring as golf.  In televised golf tournaments, the announcers follow around certain golfers in whispered tones as if their commentary in a booth yards away from the dude with the putter will somehow distract him.  And they place way too much emphasis on Tiger Woods.

As for baseball, I confess that it is a boring game on television.  But, I miss attending professional baseball games.  For whatever reason, the time did not seem to stand so still when you attend a game.  Maybe it’s the commercials that make the game appear to drag on or something, but when you think about it, the knock on baseball is that very little happens during that game.  That is patently false.  It takes a certain amount of skill to consistently hit a small ball moving at up to 100 MPH that can break away at any point while holding a piece of lumber in your hands.

It takes skill to stop said ball moving off the bat at fast speed, or making a diving catch in the outfield.  Sometimes, routine fly ball outs are not so “routine” as any Cubs fan could attest.  Thank God for that poor sod who interfered with a pop out that the Cubs finally have that curse off their back.

This brings me to the game considered the greatest in the world, at least in terms of fan viewership- soccer.  There is no other way to cut it; soccer is a boring game.  And why is it boring?  Let me count the ways:

1.  Greater than 90% of any soccer match is a series of irrelevant passes that lead to absolutely nothing.  Close to the remainder of the time is dedicated to shots that miss the goal by 12 feet or more.  Seriously… you can drive a Russian tank through these goals.  And the announcers are so conditioned that they actually call it a “close call” when someone misses the goal by 10 feet.  NO!!! It is not close…it missed the damn huge net by ten feet!!!

2. Think about this fact:  the hands are some of the greatest mechanical features ever created.  Yet, in soccer you are prohibited from using them unless you are a goalie.  That’s elitist!!  They (goalies) get to use their hands AND they get to wear a different shirt from the rest of their team.  During some soccer game that I was watching on television, they said the goalie faced a “record number of shots.”  The total was 12…as in the number after 11.  If a hockey goalie faced 12 shots, it would be night off and a frozen piece of rubber travels a helluva a lot faster than a soccer ball.  And it’s smaller and there are people in front of you…with sticks…in their HANDS!

3. Watching this game, I was appalled by the number of people who faked like they were tripped and then laid there on the ground holding a knee or ankle.  Not only is it a boring sport, but the participants are bad actors.  If a hockey player dived like these soccer “athletes,” they get a penalty.  This soccer flopping is ingrained into the players and the dumb referees- who don’t seem to know how to stop a clock by the way- actually fall for the theatrics all the time.

4. Of course, the lack of scoring is the biggest knock on soccer.  At least in a 1-0 hockey game or a 1-0 baseball game, there is tension.  In soccer?  Yeah…not so much.  The team ahead 1-0 starts passing the ball around to one another, often backwards, and daring the team with zero goals to come get it.

5. That’s why announcers usually yell “Gooooooaaaaaaaaaaaal” after a goal- to fill time until the next goal which never seems to come.  And I venture that likely frustrates a player…the lack of scoring.  In real football- American- players take their frustrations out by driving the quarterback into the ground or some other cool penalty.  In baseball, a fastball near the ears usually gets the message across (although bench-clearing brawls are kind of neat).  In basketball, they use elbows to take out another player.  And forget about hockey…they just fight!

In soccer?  They bite another player’s ear. A Mike Tyson move from someone in shorts, knee socks and a silly colored silk shirt?

6. And the main reason soccer is so boring is because it emanates from the most boring continent on the planet- Europe.  It is said that the game actually originated in Asia, but was perfected by the British and then exported to the remainder of Europe.  Since the World Cup began, there have been only eight winners and FIVE of them are from Europe.  It would be nice if some African team would win one year, or maybe even Abu Dhabi.  Or perhaps Afghanistan.

7.  Another obnoxious aspect of the sport is the fact that for years now ESPN and other outlets have tried to force the sport down the collective throats of Americans.  It ain’t happening because Americans have too many other, much better sport options to be concerned about.  Can you imagine a fantasy soccer league?  It can’t be done because there is no action.  What are the categories going to be?  Goals…HA!!!  Missed shots?  Goalie saves?  Bigger HA!

And perhaps this explains the best part of soccer- the fan violence.  Europeans, Asians, Australians, etc. like to criticize us Americans for our gun culture and violence.  But, what can be more stupid than the fan violence that breaks out in soccer stands over 22 men kicking a ball around a field for two hours with no scoring?   It is prevalent in Europe which shows that although they are boring and possibly stupid, they are at least resourceful by creating their own “action” in a sport devoid of action.

Some assert it is only “hooligans” who resort to the soccer fan violence- that they are people with a propensity towards violence.  Well, I say “Great for them” because without them, soccer would be even more boring.