Just having some fun on a Friday morning, I was thinking about what could have been had Donald Trump NOT been the Republican nominee for President and came up with a list of 15 better alternatives:
#15. Any other candidate on the first debate stage way back when…or even several candidates from the “under card” debate that preceded the prime time debate. OK…maybe not Pataki or Huckabee, but even Rick Santorum is looking good right about now.
#14. A manatee. Any manatee; it doesn’t matter. They live in Florida which would have kept that state in play. And they don’t hire foreign workers at their resorts. In fact, they largely stay to themselves, so no controversy follows them. What kind of opposition research can Clinton do on a manatee?
#13. Nick and/or Bobbi Ercoline. Who are they? They are the couple hugging amid a sea of humanity on the cover of the Woodstock album. They’ve been married 50 years now and are grandparents. Plus, they survived Woodstock. It is a great human interest story.
#12. Chuck E. Cheese. Who doesn’t love a purple clad mouse that runs a chain of pizza joints with games? Who, other than parents forced into the ordeal of having a child’s birthday party at one of these places? He might even garner some of the youth vote.
#11. George Zimmerman. In some ways, he would be like Donald Trump since he has a propensity to garner headlines and not all of it good.
#10. Matt Stone and Trey Parker, or Trey Parker and Matt Stone. The writers of the animated series South Park have more political principle than Donald Trump. Despite the content of the show, it always seems to have a moral we can agree with in the end. They meet the age requirements and they are outsiders, one hails from the swing state of Colorado, and they are filthy rich so they can self-fund a campaign.
#9. My dog, Chief. He always seems to bark at the television whenever Donald Trump is on. Or maybe he just barks all the time since Donald Trump is on the television all the time.
#8. Forrest Gump. OK…he’s a little slow upstairs, but still faster than Donald Trump. He’s met lots of famous people and he waxes philosophical…sort of an idiot savant William F. Buckley. Plus he has a ready made campaign slogan: “A box of chocolates on every coffee table.”
#7. An alligator. Any alligator. An alligator would more aggressively keep Florida in play this year; sort of like the manatee, but only more aggressive. I can see an alligator sporting a “Make America Great Again” cap right now.
#6. A tree stump. It rhymes with Trump, but then again so does dump… You wouldn’t have to change the merchandise that much, just drop the “r” and put an “s” in front. It might still defeat Hillary Clinton.
#5. The guy who says “You’ve got mail” on AOL. I know…AOL is so old school, but still used mainly by people who remember when the Internet was unique. It would wax nostalgic to a simpler time when trolls didn’t exist… the good old days.
#4. A runny egg salad sandwich left in the sun for three days in the summer. It would still be more palatable than Donald Trump.
#3. A cross between an alligator and a manatee. A managator. Like I said: “What could’ve been.”
#2. Betty White. She’s full of wisdom given her age and shows no signs of slowing down. Democrats like to be the party of firsts. They had the first woman on a major party ticket- Geraldine Ferraro, the first extremely horny President- Bill Clinton, the first African-American President- Barack Obama, and the first woman President- Hillary Clinton. The GOP could have the first President in their 90’s to be elected. Think of it- she would complete a second term in triple digits. Plus, everyone loves Betty White. It’s why even Trump hasn’t attacked her…yet.
#1. A llama. They’re everywhere these days. Backstage scene on Saturday Night Live? They’re there. They’re even in a Geico commercial for absolutely no reason. Why? Because they’re cute, cuddly, docile animals. It’s hard to dislike a llama. And contrary to popular belief, they don’t spit at humans. That would be a welcome respite from Trump’s rhetoric.