Garrison Keillor and His Nine Things to Fix...Now

In the July 11th edition of Time magazine, the front cover was “240 Reasons to Celebrate America Right Now.”  The cover also advertised that it was “99% politics free.”  Apparently the other 1% was reserved for a small section titled “Nine Things to Fix-Now.”  The author of that section was Garrison Keillor, America’s resident down-home folksy populist liberal commentator.

So what are Keillor’s nine suggestions?  Number 1:

Kill the airport announcements about reporting any person who asks you to carry something aboard the aircraft.  Nobody has ever done this.

As we shall see when we get to number 6, unfortunately there are some stupid people in the world who would actually do this.  Of all the things to complain about regarding air travel, one would think that a stock announcement in an airport would be low on the list.

Number two states: “Likewise the flight attendants’ demonstration of how to fasten a seat belt.  We know how.”  Really?  I don’t fly much, but on those rare occasions when I do, there is inevitably someone on the plane- at least one person- who either struggles fastening the seat belt or actually needs the assistance of an attendant.  These two items are just Keillor’s self-fulfilling prophecy of being a curmudgeon at times.

Number 3: “Stop making pennies, nickels and dimes.  Nobody bends down to pick up even a dime anymore.  They’re not worth the trouble.”  Hmmm…I actually knew (he’s now deceased) a man who picked up change on the street and saved it over the years.  He parlayed that change into a down payment on a car dealership which exists to this day.  He even has a street named after him.  We should keep these units of money because making them provides jobs (mining, smelting, minting).  Dealing with them teaches schoolchildren decimals.  If more people bent down to pick them up, the nation would be less obese.  And maybe there would be more car dealerships.

Number 4:

Change the seating in Congress to mix Democrats and Republicans together.  Teachers know that you break up gangs by keeping them apart in the cafeteria.  Seat politicians by seniority, with the old ones in the back and the new ones down front, so they get the idea that their time is brief.

I actually like this idea.  There is a good argument for this proposal.  But while we are at it, how about mandatory cocktail mixers and poker games also.  I doubt his proposal would decrease partisan rancor, although that could be overcome by chaining the rabblerousers like Debbie Wasserman-Schultz, Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid to their seats.  They would only get so much chain before they had to yell to members of their caucus on the floor of the Senate or House.  Goofy Republicans like Mitch McConnell would also be subject to the chain rule.

We could excuse one through three as the musings of a curmudgeon, but starting with #5, Keillor starts to go off the rails and enter the tunnel of liberal nonsense:  “Raise the minimum wage.  It makes no sense that people working full time must live in a dank basement and eat dog food for breakfast.”

For the sake of argument, I’ll assume there are likely some people who actually live in dank basements and/or eat dog food for breakfast.  However, every time the news trots out examples of minimum wage workers, the background is not a dank basement and there are usually three kids sitting nearby (for sympathetic effect) and one in the belly of the worker.  Regardless, everyone realizes that one cannot live on minimum wage which is why the Left has subtly moved the argument to a “livable wage.”  Minimum wages are intended for those entering the workforce- you know, the ones without any work experience.   Statistics show that the average hourly wage for full time workers is actually $20.43.  As for the college graduate making minimum wage, perhaps a better choice of majors would have solved the problem.  The fact is there is not a great demand for graduates of African-American or Gender Studies in the real world.

Number 6:

Radio and TV are making the country dumber, and we have enough of that already.  Bring back the Fairness Doctrine, requiring broadcasters to present a range of opinions on controversial issues…

Liberals love the Fairness Doctrine because it provides a voice for their nonsense that people don’t want to hear.  There is a reason conservative talk radio outperforms liberal talk radio- it is more interesting and more people agree with it.  Although, given the performance by some conservative people with a voice in the media, their support and enabling of Trump is troublesome.  Bottom line to liberals:  If you cannot compete with the conservatives, change the rules.

Number 7 is about the California drought and God’s way of saying “you can’t have beautiful lawns and golf courses” and “vast” crops in a desert.  Sort of have to agree with him on this one.  However, I wonder what Keillor’s thinking is regarding drought-resistant genetically modified crops.  My guess is he has already jumped on the “Ban Monsanto” fruitcake train in favor of “organic” food that, incidentally, has been proven to be no more nutritional than GMO-produced crops, and no more “safe,” although considerably more expensive.  Besides, to my palate anyway, organic food does not taste as good.

We knew this one had to make the list at #8:

Stop the sale of assault weapons.  There are thousands of deranged people dressing up in camo and marching around the woods, blasting away with automatic rifles, rehearsing for a showdown with the FBI.  More people are going to get hurt.  Let them use water pistols.

First, an assault weapon and automatic rifle are not necessarily synonymous which illustrates his basic ignorance of guns.  Liberals seem to think that because this black thing with some gadgetry on it looks scary, it just has to be bad.  While I am sure there are people running around in the woods, I doubt it is to the degree that it justifies Keillor’s over-the-top solution.  This writer has not heard of too many standoffs with the FBI, ATF, BLM, etc.  When they happen, they make news and the libtards sweep in with their commentary about the coming militia apocalypse.  And I would like to see Keillor repel a home invasion with his water pistol.

Finally, he says we should give the words “diversity” and “multicultural” a rest.  He states: “Race, gender, ethnic origin, and sexual orientation are descriptive but not indicative.”  Now if only every liberal subscribed to that idea, one wonders what America would be.  But, it is usually a vast swath of liberals who fan the flames of racial tension, who equate “women’s issues” with being pro-choice and denigrate the pro-life woman, who march in the streets with the flag of Mexico while burning an American flag, or who demand that a person with a penis be allowed to use a lady’s restroom.  The true conservative looks at the individual, not the group, leaving identity politics to the Left.