Diary

The 2nd Annual Academia Awards

Hosted by Michael Moore at the auditorium at the University of California at Berkeley in the Socialist State of California, the following is a summary of the best of higher education this past year.

The award for Stupid Government Actions goes to the National Science Foundation for awarding a $300,000 grant to study how the STEM fields can include more gay students.  The runner up is the state of Pennsylvania for mandating gluten-free zones on state college campuses.

The award for Offensive Speaker award goes to the students of the University of Iowa who pelted GOP presidential candidate Carly Fiorina with condoms at a football game over her opposition to funding Planned Parenthood.  The runner up is Williams College for uninviting anti-feminist author Suzanne Venker over fears her appearance would traumatize students.

The Student Body Diversity (unless you are Christian) award goes to Bucks County (PA) Community College for firing a professor who mentioned the offensive word “God” in a semester farewell letter to students.  The runner up was a professor at the University of Wisconsin who threatened students with a failing grade if they mentioned the word “God” in class.  One hopes this was not a theology class…or philosophy…or history…or art…or- you get the idea.

The Girls Gone Wild award for wacky feminism goes to the University of California at San Diego for hosting a “Free the Nipple” protest (which most likely drew more spectators than a football game).  The runner up goes to UCLA for suggesting that in the interests of gender equality, tampons should be covered by health care insurance.

The Sign Them Up award for Illegal Immigrants goes to UCLA for creating a $15,000 scholarship dedicated to children of illegal immigrants.  The runner up goes to San Francisco State for holding a graduation party exclusively for illegal immigrants.

The Censorship that Backfired Award goes to the University of New Hampshire who determined that the word “American” is “problematic,” but later removed that designation.  The runner up is Wesleyan for cutting funds to the college newspaper after they ran an editorial critical of #blacklivesmatter.

The Howard Zinn Award for Rewriting American History goes to Stanford University for their new course offering titled “Police in History: From Slave Patrols to Ferguson.”  The runner up is students at the University of Oklahoma who have determined that the school nickname- the Sooners- is racist.

The Tom Hayden Award for most original protest goes to students at the University of California at Berkeley who protested topless to further the rights of…cows.  The runner up is Scripps College for sponsoring the Vulva Project designed to enhance the public artistic display of the the underutilized (in art) female vulva.

The Most Original Class or Symposium Award goes to Duke University for sponsoring a symposium on proper oral sex and masturbation techniques.  The runner up is Northern Illinois University for having a class dedicated to the television series Game of Thrones.

The Grow a Set Award for most misplaced hurt feelings goes to Clemson University for serving Mexican food on Cinco de Mayo and then apologizing for the transgression.  The runner up is Vanderbilt University for hosting Masculinity Awareness Week where male students were encouraged to cry, not major in business, play no sports, become celibate and stop saying “man up.”

The Truly Confused award for transgender rights goes to Rutgers University for offering genital reconstruction in their student health insurance coverage.  The runner up is the University of Wisconsin for offering voice feminization therapy.

The Extra Credit Anyone Can Use award goes to the University of Southern California for permitting a kinky sex club on campus.  The runner up is PornHub- a porn site- for offering a $25,000 scholarship that includes submission of a video (clothing optional).

The Nutty Professor award goes to Anthea Butler of the University of Pennsylvania for calling Ben Carson a “coon” on Twitter then denying she called him a “coon.”  The runner up is Everett Mitchell at the University of Wisconsin who suggested that shoplifting at Wal-Mart should not be a crime.

The White Guilt award goes to the students at the University of Pennsylvania for forming an organization composed of white students to discuss and avoid examples of “white privilege.”  The runner up is the student government at the University of Minnesota for demanding that incoming freshman undergo mandatory diversity training.

And finally, the I Swear I Am Not Making This Stuff Up Award goes to American University in Washington DC for hosting an art exhibit which contained homosexual blood as the artist’s medium.  The runner up is Arizona State University for determining that “Walking Only” signs (as in no vehicles allowed) were a form of microaggression against the disabled and had the signs removed.

That’s it for this year.  Just remember these things the next time you write out that tuition check for your college-bound child.  Wait- can I say “child” or is that a microaggression against the age-deprived?