Diary

EXCLUSIVE: The Hillary Diaries- December 2015 Edition

In a continuing effort to keep readers informed about the inner workings of the Hillary Campaign, this writer is proud to bring you the latest edition of her diaries which were secretly obtained by unnamed sources.

Dec 1.:  Dear diary- Didn’t think I could find a state worse than IA, but then they shipped me off to Alabama for a campaign stop.  Really?  Gotta talk to staff- keep me out of these places!

Dec 4th: Now this is more like it!  Florida and New Hampshire… not Iowa and certainly not Alabama!  Renewed my call for increased gun measures in light of workplace violence in San Bernardino.  But guess where they have me going next.  REDACTED Iowa AGAIN!!!

Dec 6th:  Had to appear on TV this week.  Gotta be careful here.  Huma said too much exposure will ruin Operation Trumpcard.  May have goofed when I said we were winning war against ISIS.  Oh well…no use crying over spilled milk.  Off to DC to raise some money from my fawning fans.

Dec 9th:  In NH to attack Trump to make it look good.  Raising money.  Making speeches.  Going through motions.  But now its back to IA.  God!  I hate this.

Dec 12th- Did you see me on Late Night with Seth Myers?  Gosh…I’m so authentic.  And that pantsuit Huma picked out made me look so presidential.  And just when you thought it couldn’t get any worse, guess where I’m headed?  No- not Alabama, not even Iowa.  REDACTED Oklahoma!  Gave heartfelt speech about my humble upbringing.  Oh well…off to a fundraiser.  So that is the reason for this stop.

Dec. 13th:  Did you hear?  World leaders in Paris are going to save the planet!  I agree with this agreement 100% .  Now onto NY and some speech giving, fund raising and holiday shopping.

Dec 15th: Got Bill his holiday present today- membership in the Condom of the Month Club.  That silly, horny man…  BTW- did you hear about my plan to defeat ISIS?  Wait…Huma says it is the same as Obama’s…  Just got e-mail…REDACTED!!!  Back to Iowa and Nebraska.  Oh well, at least I’ll be eating some good beef this week.  Then maybe some time off to be with Bill for Christmas.  Can I even say Christmas?  Or should I say “holidays.”  I’m getting confused.  Must be this Kool-Aid I drank…  Gotta get ready for debate Saturday night.  That should set some ratings records.

Dec 20th:  Damn! Damn!  DAMN!!!  went and opened my mouth about Trump being ISIS recruiter.  I meant ICE CREAM recruiter, not ISIS.  People are making a big deal about my bathroom absence.  Hint: Don’t eat the shrimp cocktail before a debate again.

Dec. 22nd: Heard that DT said I got schlonged.  I’m quite sure I don’t know what that is.  Maybe Bill knows…will have to ask when I see him.  Huma said to make a big deal of the comment.  How can I when I don’t know what a schlong is?

Dec. 23rd:  Well Chelsea let me down a little.  Told her to hold off timing of that second kid until around Election Day.  What a photo-op that would have made- leaving the campaign trail to be at my daughter’s side.  What else?  Iowa again.  At least there are no BBQs in December.  Gun control…wage gap…women’s health…blah blah blah…

Dec 25th:  Happy Holidays to all.  To think that two years from now it will be I- President Hillary Clinton- lighting the national unity tree at the WH…it just sends shivers up my spine.  My campaign staff gave me the best holiday present ever- they got me out of REDACTED Iowa!!!

Dec. 28th:  It was a relaxing few days.  But, I’m off to NH…in the REDACTED winter!  Thankfully, global warming made East Coast warm this year.  Found another thing to be thankful for this past month- no one is talking about me.  Its all about those crazy Repugnantans.  Huma and John are geniuses dreaming up this Trump for President thing!!!

Dec 29th:  Back in NH and announcing that Bill will be campaigning for me.  DT attacked me over this.  If I can do anything to just keep him off the Lolita Express…  Bought some cream to heal that mouth sore.  Never really did explain where he got it.  Hmmm…  Imagine DT attacking me.  Oh, that just burns me up!  Huma said to let it go…guess she’s afraid of anyone bringing up her husband.  Poor kid.

Dec 31st:  Another year has passed and I’m a year older.  That will make me one of the oldest presidents ever elected!  Not only can I use my REDACTED to my advantage, I can use my age.  I have so many people to wish a happy new year to tonight that Huma got me a third cell phone!  What else?  Bubba will be on the campaign trail in NH next month, so lock up your daughters. Hehehehe…that man.  What will I ever do with him?  Looking forward to trouncing Bernie in the coming year.  Well diary…gotta go.  Celebrating the evening with my campaign brain trust.  Bill is in FL working on his tan.