Diary

EXCLUSIVE: The Hillary Diaries- November Edition

Nov 5th: Dear diary: It has been a whirlwind week.  I discussed so many things over the past week, I don’ know what my positions on anything are anymore.  First, I was there for the African-Americans for Hillary event.  That was a nice event- I got to use my southern accent again.  Then I got the endorsement of the longshoremen.  I so want to be the president of everyday dock workers everywhere. In fact, I want to make docks a major campaign theme going forward.  Dock workers are an overlooked underclass in America that deserve more attention.  You won’t find too many Republicans talking about dock workers.  Then it was off to PA and Chicago to raise some more money.  All this traveling is expensive!  Huma and John have me flying around all over the place.

Nov 6th- Dear diary: Wow!  Thought the last few days were rough, but my campaign took me to CA to raise more money (OK…no problem…I like this part of the job).  But then it took me to you know where.  That’s right, REDACTED Iowa!!!  Then it was off to appear on the Jimmy Kimmel show where I had to endure a tough interrogation!  Next up?  A candidate debate in SC.  Need to remember to sit away from Bernie and avoid spittle.  He ruined my last pantsuit.  Hopefully we’ll be done before SNL so I can watch DT hosting.  Campaign looking into equal time rules as I write.

Nov 11th-  Today I unveiled my plan for VA.  I so want to be the president of everyday Virginians.  Wait….oh the Veterans Administration they are telling me now, NOT Virginia….the other VA.  Silly me…

Nov 16th: Dear diary- I can’t wait until this REDACTED is over.  Again, REDACTED Iowa!  Is this all these people do- have barbecues?  Every time I visit I have to attend one of these damn jamborees or fairs.  Now they have a REDACTED fall barbecue.  If I have to see one more fat slob in overalls with one strap unhooked hanging over a fat stomach covered by a barbecue sauce stained white tee-shirt, I think I’ll puke.  And what’s with these women picking corn out of their cleavage?  I’ve seen pigs eat more graceful.  Yuck!! Get me outta here!!

Nov 18th.  Today I penned an article on vets.  I want to be the president of all vets.  We owe them so much.  It is a disgrace they are so forgotten.  I am so committed that I intend to have Medicare cover all pets in the future.  This way our vets can receive the compensation they truly deserve.

Nov 20th:  Appeared on some really poor morning show with this black guy.  Boy…you could drive a Fiat through the gap in that Michael Strahan’s teeth.  But they had some tough questions about my plans to redecorate the WH after I win next year.

Nov 21:  OK Think I found something worse than Iowa, believe it or not!!  REDACTED Kentucky and Tennessee.  Talk about rednecks.  What the hell do I have to say to these people?  Decrease the tax on moonshine?  Proper meth lab safety?  Help me, Huma

Nov 22: Back in SC where I put my redneck on and broke out the Southern accent.  Every time I visit this part of America, I just can’t help myself.  It is like a reflex or something to talk in that drawl.

Nov 26th: Dear diary- I have had a wonderful month so far.  I have sooo much to be thankful for.  Huma is second to none.  My campaign had righted the ship for now.  People are showing up for appearances and I don’t have my staff going out and finding them.  Less people are feeling the Bern.  And most importantly according to my schedule… I don’t have to appear in REDACTED Iowa until later in December.  So Happy Thanksgiving America!!  And don’t forget that black lives matter so be sure to shop this black Friday.  Everything would be great if I could only find Bill.  I swear…that man is harder to find than REDACTED Carmen San Diego!  Hahahaha…. Oh Hillary…I crack myself up.  This authenticity training really, really, really did pay off!

November 30th.  Dear diary- Time to take stock of all the wonderful things I have in store for America when I’m POTUS.  Just looking this spreadsheet over.  Holy REDACTED!  Over $1 trillion!!!  I have to catch up to Bernie.