Diary

EXCLUSIVE: The Hillary Diaries- October Edition

With the campaign gearing up and more revelations about Clinton’s e-mails at State dripping out, she sure was vocal in her diary this month.  Through channels that will remain confidential, but trustworthy (hate to use that term in relation to anything “Clinton”), this writer has the contents of that diary:

October 2nd, 2015:  Dear diary- Yesterday, I took full advantage addressed the killings in Oregon at the community college.  Simply horrible.  But on to more important things- had three fundraisers in Florida.  This is my favorite part of this job.  My least favorite?  I’m torn between appearances in Iowa, or authenticity training.

Oct. 3rd, 2015: Huma suggested I boost my campaign chances by appearing on SNL.  Hey- it worked for Bill on Arsenio all those years ago, why not me?   Hahahahaha.  So…I can’t play the sax, but I can still blow hot air.  hahahahaha.  Geez- I crack myself up sometimes.  Huma said I have to do this as part of authenticity training.

Oct. 4th- Dear diary:  Keep rewatching my SNL appearance.  What a day yesterday was.  First, I addressed HRC luncheon and flip-flopped reiterated my support for gay marriage and LGBT rights.  Then it was off to a Marc Anthony concert.  That is one strange looking dude.  Scarier than Bernie.  Then my SNL appearance that will go down in history.  A special shout out to Eugene [mc_name name=’Rep. Kevin McCarthy (R-CA)’ chamber=’house’ mcid=’M001165′ ] for resurrecting my campaign.  And no rest for the weary today.  Appeared on Al’s show on MSNBC.

Oct 5th- Dear diary:  Just winding down after a tough morning of questions and pancake flipping in NH.  I really just want to be the president of everyday pancake flippers.  Then it was off for another speech.  We need more mass shootings so I can press my gun control agenda.  Everything going as planned on Operation Authentic.

Oct 6th- Dear diary: I knew it was too good to be true.  Guess where I am today?  Yep- REDACTED Iowa!!!

Oct 7th- Day 2 in this pig REDACTED state of Iowa.  Been practicing for comedy show upcoming debate.  Thank God my team is working up some oppo-research on Joe.  Good Lord- what if its Biden & Warren?  REDACTED!!  I’m REDACTED!!  And I think Barry Barack is really pushing Joe to run.  This is not working out as I planned back in 2002 2012.  Of course the big news of the day was my stance against the TPP.  REDACTED you Bernie.  There is more than one leftist progressive in this race!!!  Just ignore the fact I endorsed the TPP 25 times in the past.  That was then.  I was SofS then, not running for POTUS. Just ignore my past.  It has nothing to do with who I am now.  I am authentic!  I have evolved!  Huma said if I keep repeating that mantra, the WH is all mine.  Just one little problem…I seem to have lost Bill again.  God, I hope no one spots him with that pervert from Florida.  Gotta change into my pantsuit night gown.  Its off to DC to kiss some Hispanic ass show my support for Hispanics and a fundraiser (yay!) b4 more debate and authenticity practice.  B4…geez, I am so trendy.

October 8th:  Today I pandered to spoke with both blacks and Hispanics.  And my speech against Wall Street was fire and brimstone.  I am so going to the left of Bernie.  First things first: get by Bernie!!!  Boy- that debate sure should be exciting!!  Between my authenticity and no light between me an Bernie, it’ll be a lovefest.  Wonder if CNN will get its best ratings ever?  Take that Repugnantlicans.  I’m so glad I have Huma on my side!

10/10/15: Met with some black folk to talk about how I will pander to respond to their very real concerns.

Oct. 11th:  Today is Bill and mine’s 40th wedding anniversary.  I spent a romantic afternoon being interviewed about squirrels and my favorite television shows on BuzzFeed.  As for Bill…. where is he?

Oct 12, 2015: Spent day in Vegas.  Had chance to protest with some workers outside Trump’s hotel here.  Gee….looking at some pictures.  Damn! I look good in red.

10/13/15.  Dear diary:  Phew… first debate down.  Think I nailed it.  Wow! Bernie sure does yell and wave his hands a lot. I need a shower after standing in his shower of spit and froth for two long hours.  Thankfully Cooper didn’t ask too many follow-up questions.  And even better, no one asked how we are going to pay for Utopia.  There really is no difference between us all.  Except for that stiff Webb dude.  He reminded me of one of those wooden soldiers you see around Xmas.  And what’s with that Chaffee guy?  Is he for real?  But enough about them.  It was all about me and I did great.  Huma said to keep repeating that.  Well…it is off to Texas and kissing some Latino REDACTED.  I so want to be the voice of the Latino community.  Gotta brush up on my Spanish.  Maybe Joaquin can help me with that.  Well…this future POTUS needs some rest after that shower.  Btw….found Bill, but can’t disclose where only that it involved a private airplane and a cigar.

10/15: Stayed in Vegas to get ice cream and kiss some union REDACTED attend a trade show, but mainly to get some ice cream.  Then it was off to TX where Castro- the good one, not the Cuban dude- endorsed me.  Oh hell- what do I care if the Cuban Castro endorses me?  Huma called re: Benghazi testimony.  Told her just to say two things: McCarthy and Hanna.  hahahahaha….  Seriously…Bill watched my debate performance. Thinks I knocked Joe out!  Told him next time he watches debate and is photographed to keep his pants on in that hotel room.

10/17: Dear diary:  I was in NH yesterday and Alabama today.  Wow! Talk about differences!  After this side trip, I will be rehearsing going over my Benghazi testimony.  Have to admit- have some butterflies in my tummy over this.  Huma said to remain calm and stick to my guns- Elijah has my back.  After this, it should be smooth sailing except for Bernie.  Gotta get beyond that old koot first.  John and Huma e-mailed me list of possible VP choices.  Gotta check to see if Bill could be it.  That would make history!  Or maybe Al Gore…or even Joe again.  Hmmm… may have to go with Joaquin.  Decisions…decisions….

10/21- Spent the day rehearsing going over testimony before Congress tomorrow about Benghazi.  Think I have this thing nailed.  Huma has done a great job preparing me.  Can’t wait to put this behind me so I can get on with becoming the champion of gay Latino small business owners who are middle class.  Oh- who am I fooling?  I just miss living in the WH.  Got some more endorsements and I rambled on about voting rights down in AL.  Well, one last practice session before I head off to Washington.

10/24- Dear diary:  Wow!  Huma was right- all that rehearsing paid off.  Did you see me before that Benghazi Committee?  I was great!  So great that even Bill came out to campaign for me!  Do I have to pay him for that?  Well, also did interview with Maddow.  Huma is making “I Survived the Benghazi Testimony” pantsuits for the campaign.  I just have to remember to kiss ass be natural and authentic from here on out.

10/28/15- Dear diary: Wow!  Those GOP debates sure are better than our debates. And how did Rubin find out about MSM being my PAC?  Heads will roll!!  Did you see my new videos on working women?  I so want to be the president of everyday working gay Latina workers…who belong to a union.  Authenticity training is coming along well so far.  Huma and John are doing a bang-up job there.  Think I got this thing down now.  It is hard, but I am trying.

10/31/15- Dear diary: Happy Halloween everyone.  Going to spend it dressed as the next POTUS.  Huma said it is part of my training.  Spent past few days in NH, SC and GA.  Did you like my authentic Southern accent?  Seems Bernie or someone is planting people in audiences to ask me questions.  Have to do better job of screening people.  What else?  More e-mails released- ho hum.  This too will pass- I am a Clinton!!!  Well at least I start November off right doing what I do best- kissing REDACTED and raising money!!!  Then its off to SC for another lovefest debate against the Bern and that other guy.  Think I have this thing now.  Less people feeling the Bern.  Now they’re feeling the Hill.  Wait- that sounds creepy, like something Bill would come up with.  Hahahaha- oh Hillary!  You crack me up.