Diary

EXCLUSIVE: The Hillary Diaries- August Edition

In the continuing tradition of transparency and openness that characterizes the Clinton campaign, I bring you another edition of the private diarrhea diary of Hillary Clinton:

8/1- Dear diary:  Released tax returns and medical records today.  I challenge Bernie to do the same and explain why he drools when he talks.  And that frog in his throat…is that annoying or what?  And what’s all this I hear about Joe entering the race?

8/2- Dear diary: released first campaign videos.  Had to invoke specter of my dead mother.   That should thwart the sympathy vote for Biden if he is really seriously thinking about challenging ME.  Can you imagine that old man in the WH?

8/3- Dear diary: Rush job video supporting Planned Parenthood.  Those Republicans just don’t understand that PP needs that $ from selling fetal parts serves an important service to women.  Besides, when is the last time a fetus cast a vote?  Or donated to my campaign?

8/4- Dear diary:  Now that was a juggling act.  Glad my campaign got me this thing called Twitter.  Got into pissing match with Jeb Bush (oh please, oh please let it be Bush) over abortion women’s health.  Had to do that while raising $$ in CO.  I may need another cell phone.  Gotta make sure the server is secure this time.

8/5- Dear diary: Whirlwind day.  First that online interview in SC.  Wow!! This technology stuff is amazing.  Had some tough questions.  Thank God they didn’t ask about that Poehler/MacKinnon thing.  And given my tough schedule, I just couldn’t answer what my favorite TV show is.  When do I have time to watch TV?  Oh well, off to the west for more $$.

8/6- Dear diary: Had fundraiser at home of Justin Bieber’s manager.  Promised to name Bieber the first Secretary of Entertainment, a new cabinet position I am forming.  Found time to go on Al Sharpton’s radio show.  Agreed to appoint him to some commission of some kind when I am POTUS.  Such a bright man.  Makes Dubya look like a member of MENSA.

8/7- Dear diary:  Doing more of what I do best- raise cash.  Gotta rest.  Unveiling my student debt plan on Monday.

8/12- Dear diary:  I unveiled my plan for college costs and all they want to talk about is my REDACTED e-mail.  I mean what the REDACTED.  And that REDACTED prune Sanders is drawing crowds.  Then Jeb one upped me in a Twitter battle.  Its time to break out Bill if I could only find him.  Time to go into damage control mode around here and sic the dogs on my detractors.  This right wing conspiracy blows!!!  Why do I subject myself to this nonsense?  That’s right…the WH belongs to me.  Have to learn to relax.  Huma said to take deep breaths and chant…the WH is mine!!!

8/15. Dear Diary: OMG…another day in IA.  First, it was hot as hell.  Second, I had to attend that REDACTED state fair.  Third, the place smelled like REDACTED.  Then I was forced to take selfies with these people.  The worst part? Seeing that woman pick corn out of her cleavage.  I can’t wait until this whole thing is over so I don’t have to go back to Iowa…EVER!!!  What else?  Oh– e-mails, private server.  blah blah blah.  And that Wing Ding thing.  Geez… what’s next for the next POTUS?  Saw that Bill played a round of golf with BO.  DT continuing to dominate the headlines on the other side.  That’s working out well (Bill is still a genius).  Well… I’m tired.  Gonna slip out of my pantsuit, take a shower and get the smell of Iowa off me.  Hello bed!

8/19- Dear diary:  I am authentic!  I do have a sense of humor!  People loved my SnapChat joke!!  What else?  Oh that video of me with those black folks from that organization. And I came out against Arctic drilling. See?  I am not Barry Barack Obama.  It is about time I had a vacation.  I’m going on a nice middle class vacation to Ocean City, Maryland.  Hahahaha- that Hillary sense of humor again.  I’m off to the Hamptons, suckers!!

8/22- Dear disarray diary:  Not actively raising cash campaigning, but they created this thing called Twitter.  So I twitted a message about the 1% and income disparity.  Just a random thought as I sip my mojito by my inground pool at my million dollar home before heading off to the Hamptons for vacation.  Sure is hot lounging in my pantsuit.  I sure want to be the POTUS of the 99% since they’re such suckers I have so much in common with them.  Huma said to keep repeating that mantra.  Om…..  Hahahahaha

8/24- Dear REDACTED diary:  I can’t believe this.  I finally get some time with Bill at this $100,000 a week vacation home in the Hamptons and I have to head back out on the trail.  So much for vacation!!  How does BO do it?  This is really starting to suck.  All because of what?  Some e-mails?  A private server?  Those right wingers will have hell to pay when I’m POTUS!  I may even name Lois Lerner my running mate.  Haha…that will show them.  The wrath of Clinton will descend on them like a plague of locusts.

8/26- Dear diary: Well, on the road again and guess where?  IREDACTEDowa!!  Got in a fundraiser though while on vacation.  Some vacation!  I may just have to unleash Bill if this doesn’t stop.  What am I supposed to talk about.  Hmmm…Iowa….pigs and cow REDACTED…my agricultural policy!! And corn of course.  We need to find more inventive uses for corn.

8/28- Dear Diary:  I was hoping to use this a little later in the campaign, but I had to do something to get people to talk about anything other than my e-mails.  What better way than to bring out the war on women thing.  And equating the GOPers with terrorists- a thing of beauty.  Gotta thank Huma for that she knows a thing or two about terrorism.  I am still sure there was nothing classified sensitive marked classified in my e-mails.  I know…I know…I was the secretary of state and I should know better.  Well REDACTED you!  You think its easy being SofS?  And I may have been too busy raising money for the Foundation solving international crises or travelling to every country.  Any way, made it to the weekend and news should slow down so I can get back to my classic middle class vacation at my $100,000 rental mansion in the Hamptons.  Ah- vacation!  Can’t leave Bill alone for too long.  That crazy man.  Why do I keep him?  Gotta go find a towel and wipe down that server…hahahaha…Huma- you crack me up!

August 29th- Dear diary: Gave speech at DNC gathering.  Thank God it wasn’t Iowa!  Declared GOP the party of the past.  I know- that takes some balls coming from this Grandma, but I gotta do something.  People are beating me up over these e-mails and now even that terrorist comment is getting panned.  I am their best shot at the WH.  Biden?  Sanders?  O’Malley?  Even Warren doesn’t hold a candle to me!!  Don’t make me laugh.  Well gotta rest before I re-re-re-re-re-re-reset my campaign again.

August 31st: Dear diary- Thank God August is over.  This was a month I’d like to forget.  But as Humas said, it could be worse- I could be George Pataki.