Diary

EXCLUSIVE: The Hillary Diaries- July 2015 edition

Despite taking measures to secure her private server, this writer is in possession of Hillary Clinton’s personal diary.  Don’t ask me how I got it.  All I can say is that it involves someone from Great Britain (who likes Swedish girls) and an Ecuadorian embassy.

July 4th:  Dear diary- Today I took part in a parade in NH.  Too bad those reporters had to stay behind the rope.  Everything is playing out fine.  Bill called… finally!  Told me to back off  keep up pressure against China.  BO had good week- gotta hitch wagon to his rising star.

July 6th: Dear REDACTED diary- What the REDACTED.  Again they ship me off to Iowa.  Now I smell like hog REDACTED.  Agreed to interview with CNN after they showed me their list of questions so I can be prepared.  Heaven forbid I look authentic.  Hahahaha…  As long as she stays behind the rope I should have no problem.  Don’t want pesky reporters I love reporters.  When I’m POTUS I will have a press conference every  12 months 12 weeks or so.  I just want to be the president of everyday gay, Latino reporters whose wives own small businesses and have children.  Damn!  Lost Bill again!!

July 8th: Another day in REDACTED Iowa.  Think I hit all the right keys in my speeches.  Bernie still drawing large crowds.  Gotta contact DT to see who he pays how he attracts large crowds.  Gave an interview to CNN.  Geez- she asked some tough questions.  I don’t know where I stand on the Amy Poehler/Kate MacKinnon thing.  And that question about the $10 bill- where did that come from?  Hope I didn’t fumble too obviously.  Should have said RuPaul- that way I cover black, transgender female/males.  Damn it!  Should’ve thought of that earlier. Damn! Damn! Damn!

July 10- Dear diary:  Thank God…a few days off before I head out on the road again.  I need the rest after that grueling CNN interview.  That Brianna Keilar is one dumb REDACTED tough reporter.  Gee- I wonder what Republican is going to enter the race this week.  DT is doing a good job so far.  Dumb REDACTED fools.  John is ingenious having DT get into the race.  Best weapon a Clinton could hope for.

July 12-  Dear diary: Still getting REDACTED for that interview.  Seems there is more love for Bernie right now.  I will have to out Bernie Bernie.  This is proving tougher than I thought.  Don’t they understand the WH belongs to me next year?  Back to square 1- no more interviews for a while.  Maybe more (God I dread this) round table discussions.

July 13th.  Dear Diary:  What a whirlwind day.  First NYC then Missouri.  Fed La Raza and New School audiences loads of bull.  Think I’m making inroads with this populist progressive stuff.  Gotta stop Bernie!  BTW- this “feel the burn” thing… is that just creepy or what?  I mean… who wants to feel that old prune?  But he makes me look younger though…  Guess God acts in mysterious ways.

July 14th: In DC today.  Back on Capitol Hill to meet with Democrats.  Urged Chuck to push bill near and dear to me- getting another post office named.  Sure is expensive using this private jet.  REDACTED that van!  Gotta check on money.  May have to go to Clinton Foundation, personal bank a bank.  Where do they have me going next?  I’m getting toooo old for this REDACTED.

July 15th:  Went on record as supporting Iran deal.  This way I can be for it before I can be against it.  Thanks John…

July 18th:  Joined those other clowns in Iowa today-  Bernie and Martin and some other dude.  Rubes—

July 19th:  Great to be back in Arkansas.  I even remembered to use my Southern accent.

July 21st: More $$$ in Detroit and Chicago.  Speaking of Detroit, gotta tell staff not to schedule me in that dump of a city any more.  Stopped in a sweet potato shop for some ice cream and pie.  I want to be the president of sweet potato lovers everywhere.

July 22:  Yay!! More money for me as I barnstormed through PA and NC.  But this is getting tiring on this old woman.  Boy-  Bill made it look so much easier.  Speaking of Bill, just where the hell is he?

July 23: Gotta talk to campaign.  No more Southern states in the REDACTED summer.  SC is sweltering.  Its a good thing Its unfortunate black people keep getting killed in police custody.  Gives me something to talk to with the black folk.  Boy- they sure were angry at that Netroots thingy!!!  Glad I stayed away.  God forbid someone ask me a question

July 24th: Ay caramba!!  Close call there.  Why won’t they leave me alone about these e-mails?  I want to talk about being the president of small businesses owned by gay Latino single parents who deserve free universal daycare pre-K!  No talk about e-mails!  Anything but e-mails.  I’ll even debate the great dilemma: which is a better- Poehler or McKinnon, rather than e-mails.  No one is talking about my economic plan- just those damn e-mails.  By the way, do I really look like a deer in headlights?  I was going more for the sitting in the dentist chair look.  Gotta call Huma- maybe a change in pantsuit color can change all this.

July 25th.  Dear diary:  Today I announced I would testify before that pain-in-the-ass Benghazi thing.  In October.  Publicly.  That way I can hide behind national security get the whole truth out there to the people who deserve the truth.  I mean..what difference does it make?  Ooops- I forgot.  Handlers told me not to say that.  And this whole thing about my e-mail server.  This is really starting to REDACTED me off. Huma and Cheryl took care of all that I hope.  I have nothing to hide I hope.  People are talking about this, not my plan for America.  Blue..I’ll go with a blue pant suit to that hearing.  Or maybe red.  So many decisions.  Stop it Hillary— concentrate on campaign.  Where do they have me going next?  God I hope its not that pigsty state of Iowa again. If I gotta eat one more piece of pork I think I’ll puke.

July 28th: Dear diary:  Thank God…after three days in Iowa I’m back in NH.  But I had that town hall thing and those questions about Keystone pipeline… don’t they understand that is BO’s decision.  I let them know they’ll get a straight answer only if I am POTUS.  Think I made a point when I said I was a granny with a brain.  As part of my bold climate change plan I am considering Al Gore as a running mate.  Sounds good…another Clinton/Gore ticket.  Gotta run idea by John and Huma.  It worked once, why not again?

July 30th- Dear diary:  Trying to get AFL-CIO on board the Hillary train.  Had to endure some questions from reporters.  Off to Florida.  Maybe I’ll find Bill.  I heard he was hanging with that sex offender pervert  his friend Jeff Epstein.  How am I ever going to control that man?

July 31st- Dear diary:  Cuba…Latin America…blah blah blah… REDACTED you Marcus Rubin and Menendez!!  That’s right…they told me its Rubio, not Rubin.  Here I thought he was a Jew from Miami all this time.  Hahahaha- I crack myself up sometimes.    Florida was nice and this bikini Huma bought me looks great on this granny.