EXCLUSIVE: The Hillary Diaries- June 2015

As long as she continues to use an unsecure private e-mail server, this writer will continue these monthly entries.

June 1: Dear diary… heard the news of Beau Biden’s death.  Simply tragic.  Poor Joe…he’s my good friend.  Someone’s death hasn’t shaken me this much since Vince Foster’s.  What else?  Oh yeah- Martin O’Malarkey Malley entered the race.  Geez!  When MSNBC pans your announcement, you know you are in trouble.  Obviously, I have nothing to worry about with him.  But getting back to me, I am looking forward to my rally on the 13th.  Working on a real good speech to my adoring fans.  I picked New York for my first rally because I have such deep roots in this state.  Ha ha ha.  Do I really have a shrill, fake laugh?

June 2: Dear diary:  Today I was out in Nassau County raising more money for my campaign.  But, no rest for the weary cos I’m off to the Lone Star State for the next two days.  Oops- my campaign rally on the 13th just bumped a children’s festival and blood drive.  REDACTED it!  Those kids can’t vote any way- hahaha.

6/3/15- Dear Diary:  I found myself in New Mexico at a fundraiser.  Boy is it hot here!  But its a dry heat.  I love this part of the job.  Thank God they haven’t scheduled any of those boring round table things lately.  I don’t think I can stand too much more of that stuff.  Never realized how boring every day Americans can be.  On to Texas!

June 4- Dear Diary:  Wow!  That sure hit them out of nowhere- 20 days of early voting.  But how about that dude who looks like Red Skelton’s Gertrude sea gull character Lincoln Chaffee and that metric system announcement!  That sure sandbagged me.  Have to call Huma and John and get a position paper out on the metric system.  No rest for the weary…on to Connecticut and some more fundraising.  Btw- I guess I shouldn’t have told that everyday American to get in the back of the line for an autograph.

June 5- Dear Diary:  More money raised today.  Saw we finally got the GOP golden boy- Marcus Rubin.  That guy can’t drive.  Have to drop thank you note to NYT later today.  Better yet, I’ll just use my e-mail server.  Can you believe it?  Four times in 18 years!!  Thank God my chauffeurs my driving record is impeccable!  Hahaha- I can’t remember the last time I drove. Also, my editorial in El Mundo appeared about how I will be the president of everyday illegal immigrants.  I really need their votes Such an inspiration.  Hmmm. what else?   How can I forget- I attended two fundraisers in CT and got lots of pledges.   Wow! What a scam way to meet everyday Americans- charging them $2700 to talk to me in $10 million mansions. Well, time to recharge the batteries before I head back out to raise more cash meet some more everyday American illegal immigrant small business owners who are grandmothers.

June 7. Dear Diary: Today I spoke by phone with people fighting for a $15 minimum wage.  I told them what they wanted to hear that I stood with them.  I want to be the president of every day McDonald’s workers.  I want to be the chamber maid president.

June 9th..Dear Diary:  Back out on the road to raise money meet some everyday Americans in MD.  Raised almost a quarter million today.  God!  I love this job!  Then off to DC to meet some everyday gay and lesbian couples for more money.  I just want to be the president of everyday illegal immigrant gay people who own small businesses.

June 10. Dear Diary: Two more fundraisers today in MA and RI.  Ch..(REDACTED) ching!

June 11th- Dear diary: Taking a few days off  before my big rally on Saturday.  Dropped thank you note to AB {Editor’s note: American Bridge} thanking them for expose on Marcus Rubin’s luxury yacht.  Can you believe that guy?  A guy from Florida owning a boat?

June 13th: Today is the big day- my re-re-re-relaunch of my campaign.  It sure has been a long 16 years two months since I announced I was running.  Can’t decide which pantsuit to wear.  Sure is hot here in NYC.  Called Huma/ said to go with blue pantsuit.  Remembering my lines.  Hope I look authentic.  Gosh– haven’t had butterflies in stomach this bad since I found out about Monica.  Oh yeah- Monica.  Gotta make sure Dennis is making those payments to keep her mouth shut.  Off to speech…grandmother…my mother…so much to lie about remember.

June 14th: Dear diary:  I think I wowed them yesterday.  Hit all the right themes and pulled at the right heart strings.  I especially liked the line about hedge funds and billionaires.  That got a good response.  Notice how I never used personal slush funds charitable organizations?  Well…gotta go.  Standing before so many selected every day Americans is very tiring.  WTF!!!  I was supposed to have the day off.  Instead I’m stuck here smelling pig REDACTED in REDACTED Iowa again!!!  God!  Get me outta this hell hole.

June 15th:  NH- this is more like it!  If I have to sit through one more meeting about kids I love talking about kids.  Read some reviews of my speech.  The press sure panned loved it.  But that damn TPP thing!  What do they want from me?  A straight answer or something?  Oh well… off to SC again.  More money.  Show me the money!  Hahahaha

June 17th: Dear diary- was in SC today talking about technical education.  Blah blah blah… heading to Nevada where I hope to raise more money continue talking about my four fights. I think some people are falling for this bull(REDACTED).

June 18th- Dear Diary:  That was a close call.. got outta SC in nick of time.  Spent day in NV talking REDACTED about voting rights and immigrants.  Then meeting with some veterans.  I wanna be the president of everyday gay Latino business owners who have preschool kids.  Did I get that right? Oh- REDACTED it.  I’m gonna win anyway…its my birthright.

June 23rd. Dear diary- I know I have been neglecting you, but like I said in that God forsaken state of Iowa, “I’m baaaack.”  Hope everyone understood my pandering reaching out to the black people out there.  I really need their votes feel their anguish and frustration.  Looking forward to seeing Terry later this week in VA.  Oh yuck- Philadelphia too.

June 24th: Continuing my pandering feeling for the blacks in America as me and Bill sip iced tea on our back porch in our beautiful mansion in Chappaqua with its 27 black residents.  I’m proud to live in such an exinclusive community.

June 25th: Thank God for small miracles.  Going to funeral in SC which gets me out of going to Philadelphia.  That will give me more time to pander to talk about race relations.  Bad enough my coronation the convention is there, but really?  Philadelphia?

June 27th:  It was a profitable great two days.  First, Ocare was upheld then gay marriage!  Glad I made it to VA and saw Terry again.  Characterized GOP as party of the past in speech.  Boy- that took some chutzpah as my Jew friends would say.  Back in NY now.  Just where the hell is Bill?  Back to fundraising campaigning next week.  Hope they don’t have any more round tables scheduled.

June 30th: Attended fundraiser in NJ today.  Jon Bon Jovi was there. Meow…  If I were a cougar…  Heard that fat slob Gov. Christie entered the race.  What’s that make?  Like 25 Republicans now?  They have a problem with so many people trying to take me on.  Don’t they know the White House is mine?  And just where the hell is Bill?


{NOTE: This article is meant to be satirical.  The author should not be liable for slander or libel}


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